An Historian's Tale

2011-12-31T21:29:00.001-07:00

I've been a bad blogger the last six months. It's not that important things haven't been happening - they have. But I've had little energy to write what I've been feeling and thinking. For once, I've been a bit too busy living my life to spend so much time pondering it.

Aside from the struggles and joys of being a newlywed, teaching courses for students who live just under 4,000 miles away, health problems for both me and my husband (and the cats!), singing in my church choir and Christmas cantata, having family visit a few days, and being part of two bible study groups, one of the real joys I've had this year is my renewed love for reading.

I have always been a voracious reader. As a child, I would often get yelled at for not coming down to dinner on time because I was too engrossed in a book. I would build sheet tents in my bedroom and read for hours, or hide a flashlight in bed so I could read long after I was supposed to have my lights out. This love of reading was well and strong until I started graduate school. I had so much work to do - which, usually, involved reading at least one book per week per course - that I never had time to read for fun. In the 7 years I was in grad school, I maybe read 15 books for fun. Usually, I was just too exhausted to read by the time I was done with work and teaching.

One of my joys the past six months is that I have been reading like crazy. I've read 39 complete books since we got married (6 of them just in the week since Christmas day!). I'm also in the middle of three more books. Some I wanted to read for work. Some I wanted to read to give my spirit a joy-lift. And others are just goofy fun, or that I'm reading in part to have something to share with my husband. I want to remember what I've read, so I'm making a list:

Horus Heresy Books - these are science fiction books in a series that my husband loves, related to miniatures gaming that he's been involved with for 20 years. Not my usual cup of tea, but it gives us something to enjoy together, so I'm learning to play the game and read the novels.
• Dan Abnett, Horus Rising
• Graham McNeill, False Gods
• Ben Counter, Galaxy in Flames
• James Swallow, The Flight of the Eisenstein
• Graham McNeill, Fulgrim
• Mitchel Scanlon, Descent of Angels
• Mike Lee, Fallen Angels

Jean Plaidy Books - I discovered this writer of historical fiction novels and fell in love. They are well-researched and have good bibliographies and, so far at least, are fairly accurate historically. They're also just great fun!
• The Courts of Love: The Story of Eleanor of Aquitaine
• Katharine of Aragon: The Story of a Spanish Princess and an English Queen
• The Reluctant Queen: The Story of Anne of York
• To Hold the Crown: The Story of King Henry VII and Elizabeth of York
• The Thistle and the Rose: The Story of Margaret, Princess of England, Queen of Scotland
• Murder Most Royal: The Story of Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard
Barbara Johnson Books - these are part of my "joy-lift" for my spirit. Johnson passed away a few years back, but her books are wonderful little love letters from God designed to make you laugh while God ministers to your hurting heart.
• Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy
• Splashes of Joy in the Cesspools of Life
• Leaking Laffs Between Pampers and Depends
• He’s Gonna Toot and I’m Gonna Scoot
Religious Non-Fiction
• Max Lucado, God’s Story, Your Story: When His Becomes Yours
• Ken Ham, et al, The New Answers Book 3
• Josh Hamilton, Beyond Belief: Finding the Strength to Come Back
• Steve Saint, End of the Spear
• Steve Saint, Walking His Trail: Signs of God Along the Way
• Elizabeth Elliot, Through Gates of Splendor
• Davey and Marie Jank, Our Witchdoctors Are Too Weak: The Rebirth of an Amazon Tribe
• Dee Brestin and Kathy Troccoli, Falling in Love with Jesus
• Anne Graham Lotz, Expecting to See Jesus: A Wake-up Call for God’s People
• Beth Moore with Dale McCleskey, Jesus the One and Only
More Historical Fiction
• Christi Phillips, The Devlin Diary - I also read her first novel, The Rosetti Letter, and loved both of them.
• Philippa Gregory, The White Queen
• Georgette Heyer, The Conquerer: A Novel of William the Conquerer, the Bastard Son Who Overpowered a Kingdom and the Woman Who Melted His Heart
• Lynn Austin, While We’re Far Apart

Other Fiction
• Star Trek: The Next Generation: Greater than the Sum
• Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, Left Behind
• Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, Tribulation Force
• Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, Nicolae
• Craig Shaw Gardner, The Cylons’ Secret
• Jules Verne, Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea

History Non-Fiction
• Graeme Donald, The Man Who Shot the Man Who Shot Lincoln and 44 Other Forgotten Figures from History
• Michael Farquhar, A Treasury of Royal Scandals: The Shocking True Stories of History’s Wickedest, Weirdest, Most Wanton Kings, Queens, Tsars, Popes, and Emperors

My favorites were probably the Devlin Diary, both books by Nate Saint, all 4 books by Barbara Johnson, and my two goofy history books.

I have so many books I want to read, and am in the middle of a handul right now:
1. Louisa May Alcott, Little Women - it is still uplifting, even the third time I read it.
2. Adam Selzer, The Smart Aleck's Guide to American History - absolutely hilarious!
3. Barbara Johnson, Living Somewhere Between Estrogen and Death

I also have four more fictional books on tap. I love reading! Happy 2012!!

Hate

2011-09-30T09:34:00.000-07:00

I have to confess, I have discovered hatred in my heart. I hate cancer.

Cancer is insidious. Sometimes it creeps up very slowly, barely perceptible yet devastating. Sometimes it comes with a bang, overnight and with no warning. Sometimes its effects are completely visible; sometimes it is a totally invisible disease and you could never guess that it was ravaging someone's body. It morphs and changes and resists treatment at times.

Cancer seems to be literally all around right now. Just a few people I'm praying for right now:
* My mom - living with stage IV metastatic breast cancer for at least the last 2.5 years, despite the destruction of two of the vertebrae in her lower back
* Three of my aunts who have, over the past 3 years, successfully battled stage 1 and in situ breast cancer
* The family of a dear friend from college - her mom passed into eternity early this morning after a very quick fight against ovarian cancer
* The wife of my former pastor, who was just diagnosed with lung cancer a few weeks ago
* The brother of one of the women in my Thursday bible study, who was just diagnosed and is enduring chemotherapy right now
* A 19-year old teen from my parents' church back East who was diagnosed with a brain tumor in April and is enduring months of chemo and stem cell transplant therapy at St. Jude's in Memphis, TN
* A little 7 year-old girl here in town who has also been fighting a terribly aggressive brain cancer for the past two years

And that doesn't count those in my life who have been lost, or who have lost close family members to cancer. One of my mom's closest friends died a few years ago of a very aggressive brain cancer (the exact same cancer that Senator Ted Kennedy fought). At least two friends have lost their fathers to cancer in the last 5 years.

I really hate cancer.

But cancer is not victorious. Even when, in the case of so many of my friends, it appears to win. If there is one thing God is making abundantly clear to me this year, it is that HE alone is sovereign. He alone has power over life and death. He alone has the power to heal. He alone deserves glory and honor and praise. He alone controls the heavens and the earth, and is Lord over all creatures in the heavens and the earth and under the earth.

We are studying the book of James at church, and the first chapter says:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him" ~James 1:2-5

This week has been full of trials. Friends and family members passing away. Spiritual attack. Painful illness flare-ups. Frustration. Exhaustion.

But it has also been full of God's faithfulness. I have never been more sure of my God, my Lord Jesus Christ. I have never been more sure of His love for me. I have never been more assured of His sovereignty.

Oh, Jesus, teach us to love you and to trust you - no matter the circumstances that come our way, even through cancer.

Praises

2011-08-27T18:41:00.000-07:00

This week has been a trying week, but there is much to celebrate and for which to praise God. Obviously, the first few days of the week were very difficult, learning that Mom's cancer was growing in a new spot again. That day and night for her were awful, and when they tried to do her first radiation treatment, she was in extreme pain and it was pretty traumatic. The nurse was very patient, however, and let Mom figure out a way to move into position that worked for her. Thank God for that nurse!

But things improved after that. They have upped her pain meds quite a bit, and that evening, the thing that never happens in hospitals happened: they let her sleep for 6 hours, uninterrupted! She felt wonderful Thursday, and, after her second radiation treatment, she was discharged! It was really a wonderful day. And, on my end, I managed to record four lectures in two days, so I have a month of lectures ready to go. Yesterday I managed to get access to Blackboard and spent most of the afternoon/evening setting up my two classes. I still don't have an email account, however, so that's problematic for multiple reasons.

Today, my husband and I went to a class for newcomers at our church. It was a really interesting experience, and gives me a lot more confidence that this is the church home God is calling us to. It was also a welcome time for us to be together. Last night we had some things we had to talk through, and it was a bit stressful. So it was nice to have worked through some of that and have time as a couple today.

So yeah... this week has been really hard but God is still good.

God is in control, even in these bad circumstances

2011-08-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

This is no time for fear. This is a time for faith and determination.
Don't lose the vision here, carried away by the motion.
Hold on to all that you hide in your heart.
There is one thing that will always be true. It holds the world together.

God is in control. We believe that his children will not be forsaken.
God is in control. We will choose to remember and never be shaken.
There is no power above or beside Him.
We know, oh, God is in control.

History marches on. There is a bottom line drawn across the ages.
Culture can make its plan, oh, but the line never changes.
No matter how the deception may fly,
there is one thing that has always been true. It will be true forever.

God is in control. We believe that his children will not be forsaken.
God is in control. We will choose to remember and never be shaken.
There is no power above or beside Him.
We know, oh, God is in control.

He will never let you down. Why start to worry now? Why start to worry now?
He is still the Lord of all we see and He is still the loving Father watching over you and me!
Watching over you, watching over me, watching over everything.
Watching over you, watching over me, every little sparrow, every little king.

God is in control. We believe that his children will not be forsaken.
God is in control. We will choose to remember and never be shaken.
There is no power above or behind Him. We know, oh, God is in control.
~"God is in Control," by Twila Paris

Amen. God is in control.

I need to remember this today, because we got discouraging news about my mom's medical condition. She had been doing so well this year, but then a few things started to happen that were unexpected.

First, she had a kidney stone. It went away easily, so that was good. But then her pain came back stronger. They said she had some infections and put her on antibiotics. But the pain got worse and, over the weekend, they admitted her to the hospital for tests.

Today, they finally gave my parents the diagnoses:
1. Mom has a tumor pressing against her spinal column - the cord itself is undamaged, but it is dangerous and could, if not removed or shrunk, could lead to paralysis.
2. She also has a fracture in her T-9 vertebrae - it sounds like this is at the same place as the tumor.
3. This all indicates that her cancer meds are no longer effective, because they did not prevent the growth of this new tumor.

So the treatment is the following:
1. Steroids to reduce inflammation in her spine
2. Radiation treatment for the tumor
3. New cancer meds in the hopes that a different medicine will keep everything from growing again
4. New medicine to try to strengthen her bones and prevent more fractures.

So... yeah. I'm a bit shell-shocked. I've been expecting this for two years. But it feels like all the air has been sucked out of me again.

But I have this hope - I know that God, the LORD God Almighty, my LORD Jesus Christ is in total control. After I got off the phone with my dad, I started singing praises. Because, ultimately, God is my only hope, and the rock of my salvation. He alone is in control. He has all power and authority over all created things. He alone is God. And, while it might seem strange to praise God after getting horrible news, it felt right. I am totally helpless. I can't make the cancer go away. I can't reduce my mom's pain. I can't give my dad strength. All I can do is pray to my Father, the One who Sees Me. The great healer. The creator God who rules over all. He is in control, and I know His children will never be forsaken.

Praise God with me, and please pray for healing, strength, wisdom, and peace for my parents.

My problem with self-help philosophy

2011-08-21T21:44:00.000-07:00

Being home, with cable tv, has been a bit of a strange experience for me these past two weeks. I didn't have tv this past year, so now being home alone all day means I've rediscovering the (tiny fraction of) good and (large fraction of) bad.

One thing that's new - for me, at least - is this new Oprah network. I see (well, hear, more often, since I tend to use the tv for background noise when I'm working) ads for it almost everywhere. As part of that, I have heard countless commercials for something - I'm not sure if it's a new show or what - that sounds basically like a platform for her "live your best life" philosophy.

Every time I hear it, I have to fight the urge to answer back at the tv. I have nothing against Oprah, and don't usually care one way or the other about what she does. But whenever I hear elements of this self-help philosophy, I want to answer back, "No!!"

You see, this philosophy, this mode of thought that says that you have all that you need inside you to live an awesome life, that if we just look inside and be the better people that's deep inside, we can improve the world - it's incredibly deceptive. It sounds great, right? Who doesn't want to live better? Who doesn't want to be a better person? Who doesn't want to make the world better for their children and their families and friends? There's nothing wrong with that!

But the central deception is this: this worldly philosophy tells you that YOU are the answer. It's all about you, and your goodness.

But scripture says that there is no one who is wholly good, no one who is perfect - "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23)

It says that the best of things comes from inside you - that you can be the source of goodness on earth.

But scripture says that "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17)
Scripture also says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9)
Finally, Jesus said, "Why do you call me good? No one is good - except God alone." (Mark 10:18)

This philosophy says that all you need is you, and you can change the world.

But Christ said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." (Mark 10:27)
Job cried out, "To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are HIS."
Jeremiah said, "But God made the earth by his power; He founded the world by His wisdom and stretched out the heavens by His understanding. When He thunders, the waters in the heavens roar; He makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth. He sends lightning with the rain and brings out the wind from His storehouses."

Why do I want to cry out every time I hear this "you"-based philosophy, whether through Oprah or through any of a number of other very prominent people in our society? Because they are missing the central need of each and every person - the need for God.

Paul declared, "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrated His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by His blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to Him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life?" (Romans 5:6-10)

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a better world, for wanting to be a better person, for wanting to live the best life. But the catch is that, apart from God, you can do nothing. You are not the source of this change - He is. You are not powerful enough to change the world, but HE is. You are not good, He is.

And when you turn to Him, He gives in abundance. Don't believe me? Listen to what He says.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. (2 Peter 3:9)
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. (John 10:10)
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. (Psalm 37:4-6)
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things shall be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:33)
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:28-31)

Living a better life is a wonderful goal. But the way to achieve is not in our own power. It's only by the power of God Almighty, Jesus the Christ, that we can affect change.

So the next time you hear anyone teaching that the power is within you, your response should be, "The only power that's in me is that of the Holy Spirit of the Living God!"

Truth and consequences

2011-08-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

I just heard a story that made me pray that God would forgive us for our arrogance and stupidity. The story was that a number of "conservative evangelicals" have come out denying the historical Adam and Eve. Their argument? That "scientific evidence" makes it "unlikely" that the diversity of the genetic code could have begun from one single couple.

So that I don't go on a huge rant, I'll skip right to the heart of the matter. Who are you going to believe - God or man?

Who are you going to trust for truth and morality - the creator God who is wholly good, wholly just, wholly righteous, or humans, who kill, maim, destroy, steal, and hurt each other?

Whose wisdom will you trust - the LORD, who knows all things, created all things, and can "show you great and unsearchable things that you do not know," or that of man, which changes all the time, and which admits that we understand very little of this world.

Ultimately, it comes down to this: Choose you this day whom you will serve, but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD. Either God is who He says He is, and His word is true, or he is an invention of crazy people who lived in the Middle East and needed something to explain their world. Choose one.

These church leaders will one day stand before the Lord God Almighty and answer for their choices. So will the rest of us. Choose either to believe God, fully and by faith, or choose to reject His word based on the incompete knowledge of mankind.

100th post

2011-08-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, has this been an emotionally crazy few weeks. There was all the stress & worry and sobbing about who I am, what God has for me, and how we're paying our bills this month. Then there was a God-inspired revelation that my focus was dead wrong, and that I needed to change where I looked - and to whom I looked - if I wanted any sort of relief. (And if my husband wanted relief from his emotional, sobbing wife.)

Can I just say how phenomenally better I've been the last few days? All the cares still exist, but I have had a peace that I can't understand these last few days. It has been a 100% God-given peace, and He alone should get the glory. Hallelujah, amen!

This week has been one of mini celebrations. My husband's birthday is today, and we don't really have any money for me to splurge on a big gift. So I decided to do something every day of the week to make him feel special. Monday, I baked some cinnamon streusel muffins he had wanted. Tuesday, I slipped a little love letter in his briefcase for him to find while at work. Yesterday, I went to the store (2, actually), and bought some breakfast foods he had been wanting and now can have thanks to our new toaster (my mom's b.day present to him). I had them presented on the counter, along with a magazine I knew he'd enjoy and a serious birthday card, so he was greeted by them when he walked in the door. Today, I slipped another card into the bag I prepared with his lunch (our leftovers), and am baking a cake for him. Tomorrow, once the work week is done, I'll take him out to dinner wherever he wants to go.

And then there's this. Today, on my husband's 31st birthday and the two-month-iversary of our wedding, I got a job! Wasn't really expecting anything to come of this, but a month or two ago a former coworker from my phd program wrote and asked if I'd be interested in possibly teaching a course online. I said I'd be interested and submitted my cv and application, but didn't think anything would come of it. Two days ago, that coworker called and asked if I'd be willing to have a phone interview. I said okay. I had it today at noon, and by 1 p.m., they were offering me the job teaching two sections of Western Civ online.

It's not a lot of money, and if my salary had to be enough to support our family, I'd have to turn it down. But since we always saw my salary as supplemental, to cover those last remaining bills, it's really ok for me at this point to earn only $3,000 per course. I might have to go through this whole job thing in the spring or summer, but at least for right now, it is a complete answer to prayer. It will be enough for us to survive financially, and I will have the flexibility to take care of my husband and our house the way I want to do, and I will probably have the opportunity to volunteer or get involved at church or with a ministry as well.

Talk about your emotional roller coasters! But praise be to God, and God alone, for He is my rock and my salvation!

SSMT 2011 updated

2011-08-09T10:58:00.000-07:00

Well, it doesn't look like the job possibillity from yesterday is going to work out for me. Back to job search and applications.

In the meantime, I really am trying to keep my focus in the right place. So to help with that, I'm going to see how many of the verses I'm trying to learn for the Living Proof Siesta Scripture Memory Team 2011 I can write out.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Numbers 23:19 - God is not a man, that He should lie. Does He speak and not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?

Daniel 3:17-18 - If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us and will deliver us from your hand, o king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, o king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.

Isaiah 43:19 - See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up - do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Psalm 4:4 - In your anger, do not sin. When you sit on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.

John 10:27-29 - My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hands. My Father, who gave them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hands.

Philippians 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, that you may overflow with hope in the power of the Holy Spirit.

1 Peter 5:6-7 - Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxieties on Him, for He cares for you.

1 Peter 4:10 - Everyone should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering the grace of God in all its various forms.

John 15:5 - I am the vine, and you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing.

Psalm 30:11-12 - You turned my wailing into dancing, you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.

1 Corinthians 13:4-6 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Micah 7:7 - But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord. I wait for God my savior; my God will hear me.

Philippians 4:8 - Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.

Ezekiel 36:26 - I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will removed from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So, all totaled, if I have a list of the references, I know 12 without any mistakes, forgot or messed up two phrases (the bold ones), and have not quite gotten down my latest verse from August 1st.

I know that what matters is not that I get the phrases exactly right, but that they live in me. Oh Lord, let these words change me!

2011-08-08T17:05:00.000-07:00

So I got a call from the secretary at church today, offering the email of someone whose company is looking for employees to work from home. I called the woman and spoke with her about the position. It's essentially a scheduling position, serving as an at-home call center for a company that owns 8 auto body shops in the area. The hours seemed a bit fuzzy, as did the pay.

I was trying to answer her questions honestly, and then we came to the point where she asked about my prior experience. I tried to explain as simply as I could about being in grad school, teaching, and why I am looking for jobs outside of academia. She asked if this was the kind of job I was hoping to find. I answered honestly - no, not really, but the realities of my field are such that it doesn't make sense to not be looking for other avenues so we can pay our bills each month. Then she said, "The thing is, with your prior experience, I worry that you would start working and then not like it. It takes a lot of work to train someone..."

Am I crazy for feeling a bit insulted? I don't know what she intended to say, but it felt to me like she was saying, "I don't know if you're worth my time and effort." That left a truly sour taste in my mouth. I tried to respond as nicely and professionally as I could, and then said I would appreciate the opportunity to talk about this with my husband before deciding whether to pursue it further. She said that was fine.

I feel like I'm going a bit crazy. This might be a decent job - it would be a paycheck, at the very least. Would I be a fool not to pursue it? I'm not sure I'd get a lot of respect from this woman, who would be my boss, since she's already said out loud that she's not sure I'd be worth the great effort it would take on her part to train me. I don't want to turn a good thing down. But I don't know what to do now.

How I learned to stop worrying and...seek Christ

2011-08-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

Most anyone who is a child of God and a worrier has struggled with Matthew 6:25-34 -

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

My first, natural response has always been, "Yeah. Right. I'll just turn off my brain and stop worrying. Easy." (That would be sarcasm, my friends!) It never made any sense to me. There are a number of things that work against this for me.

1. I'm a woman. Ask most any of us - we worry. I'm wired to be a caretaker, and part of that is worrying, fretting at times over other people's safety, health, happiness, and future.

2. I think way too much. Especially when I have nothing else to do, I think. And what do I think about? Often, I think about the future. Sometimes it's years in the future, sometimes it's only a few hours ahead. But I'm constantly thinking about it. And when there are situations that seem very tenuous, I think even more about them. (And no, this is not logical. It's illogical to spend more time thinking about the things you can't control. But tell that to my brain.)

As I've said in earlier posts, I have been ridiculously stressed about our finances and my unemployment. I spent most of this past week crying into my husband's shoulder because I was so worried. I prayed a lot and kept telling God, "I don't know what you want from me right now! If I can't teach, what am I supposed to be doing?" Not worrying just didn't seem possible. How can I turn off my brain?

And then I started doing a bible study that I had picked up at the Christian bookstore near my parents' home. One of them is about managing moods as a woman, and the other is about living above stress & worry. Both things are things I struggle with quite a bit. At one point, of course, the study on stress & worry pointed me to the above passage. I even looked up and told my husband, "I don't want to read this passage. I know what it says, and I still can't seem to do it!"

And it's true - I do know what it says. At least, I thought I did. You see, I had made a very large mistake. Almost every time I was struggling with worry, I stopped at the wrong spot. I stopped after it said, "So do not worry..." in verse 31. And then I would proceed to berate myself for worrying, feel guilty about worrying, and pray to ask God to help me to not worry so much. I would connect it to Philippians 4:6 - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." And to 1 Peter 5:10, "Cast all your anxiety upon God, for He cares for you."

But, my friends, I was wrong. God is not telling us to stop worrying, and that's the end of it. He knows that we worry - He made us, after all. The point is not to try your best to just stop worrying. The point is that our focus is entirely misdirected.

The point is that when we worry, our thoughts are most definitely not on Christ. When we worry, our thoughts are consumed with the circumstances, with our fears, with our inadequacy.

I missed the point. Because I missed the key to not worrying - "BUT seek first HIS kingdom and HIS righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

You see, the key to not worrying about tomorrow isn't to "just stop worrying." It's to shift your focus. Rather than worrying all day about our finances and my unemployment, I need to seek Him FIRST. It doesn't mean that I still am not concerned. It doesn't mean that I won't still spend hours each day pouring through job listings and sending in applications. But it means that when I start to get truly anxious, when I start to question God and His trustworthiness, I need to stop and seek Him first.

That is how I am going to try to stop worrying. And I will trust that He is faithful. I will remind myself of the verse that sparked a total revival in my life two years ago this month - "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

Crazy brains and shopping

2011-08-07T16:04:00.001-07:00

My husband and I do things very differently from each other. And by "very differently," I of course mean about as opposite as humanly possible.

I plan everything, in detail, before I do it. (Important things, at least.) His planning ability stop as soon as teaching is done for the day.

I need things organized, with places for everything so I can get everything cleaned up and easy to find. He goes by the rule, "Out of sight, out of mind," and so if it's put away, he won't remember it. So everything stays in piles.

I talk. A lot. Especially if I'm scared or worried or frustrated. He internalizes everything and rarely talks about something that might worry him or make him upset.

I ask about his day and want a story - what happened, how did you feel, what did you do? He responds with the same handful of responses, usually three words or less, and while he likes when I tell him stories, feels no need to tell a story about a blah day.

He has ADD - and no, it's not just an excuse because he was a disruptive kid. In fact, he was an extremely well-behaved kid. His brain really does work very differently and it takes a ton of mental effort to stay focused the way he needs to for work. I don't have ADD and the things that are hard for him are easy for my brain.

We are learning how to deal with these differences one moment at a time. Funny enough, one of the areas that was a potential minefield of tension for our different brains was... grocery shopping.

You see, he has always gone grocery shopping by randomly going to the grocery store, wandering through aisles and picking out things that look good, and maybe (if he was lucky) having food for two or three main meals. Then, if he wanted something different later in the week, he'd go back. And back again. It wasn't unusual to go to the store 3-4 times a week. And never with a plan. After spending a few months in total with his parents, I've seen that they are exactly the same way. It wasn't unusual for his dad to stop at the grocery store every few days on his way home from work so we could cook dinner.

I, on the other hand, hate going grocery shopping like that. I want a plan. And not just a list of food that I'd like, but an actual plan of what I could have to eat for the week. I sit down and try to plan out the week's dinners, make sure I have ideas for lunches (since I have never been a fan of traditional lunch foods), and enough sustenance for breakfasts as well. Once I have a plan for meals, I then write out my list of ingredients. And, ideally, I won't deviate from my list if at all possible.

So the past two weeks, we've tried to compromise. I do the meal planning - last week, I jotted down ideas on the back of an envelope in the grocery store parking lot so we could buy food after church and come home for or weekly Sunday brunch. This week, since we had all we needed for the brunch - eggs, bacon, hash browns - I got to make a list at home and then we went. It makes my brain happy, and my husband is still able to add some extras into the cart that weren't on the list. Today, I think I spied some ice cream and cookies and salad dressing.

We're working out little by little how to be a good team. So far, all things considered, I think we're doing fairly well. And just because I want to document what I'm cooking, here are our meals from last week and what I've got planned for this week:

Last Week
1. Slow-cooker pulled-pork BBQ sandwiches
2. Slow-cooker chicken tacos with fiesta lime seasoning
3. Slow-cooker chicken, Santa Fe-style veggies, salsa, and rice
4. Leftovers
5. Pizza
6. Take-out on a night I had a horrendous migraine and my husband had to be at work from 7 a.m. until 7:30 p.m.
*And I honestly can't remember what we had on Sunday!

This Week
1. Chicken & veggies stir-fry - either with teriyaki or sweet & sour sauce, cooked in our new wok
2. Mashed potato & sausage bake - a recipe I found in a cook book my grandmother just sent me
3. BBQ pork sandwiches - quickly becoming a favorite, cooked with country-style ribs in my slow cooker
4. Jambalaya
5. Homemade burgers on our grill with sweet potato fries
6. Tacos

And one night will by my husband's 31st birthday celebration. I need to plan some baking to treat him all week, but I want it to be a surprise. I'll probably bake a cake, but I might also make some cookies or chocolate muffins or something.

That's all for now. Happy Sunday!

Doing nothing

2011-08-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

So what do you when you have nothing to do?

I am struggling. My husband is now back to work full time, since he and the other teachers have meetings this week and start teaching next Monday. That means I'm at home, alone, from about 6:30 a.m. until whenever he can get home at the end of the day - which typically will be at least 5 p.m. And I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing.

I spend hours every day pouring through job listings and applying to anything that I think I could do. And so far, I've had one in-person interview, one phone interview, missed one in-person interview for a part-time job due to illness, and have been told by at least 4 other places that they can't see how I could fit what they need. In general, I'm told that I am over-educated and under-experienced. My only jobs for the last 10 years have all been in teaching at the college level one way or another. And no one will even give me a shot. I got a call today asking me to come in for an interview for some financial group, but when I looked them up afterward, I wasn't reassured by the info I found and probably will cancel the interview. It's a gut feeling, but I don't want to ignore it when it doesn't feel right.

But I don't know where this leaves me. What am I supposed to be doing? I have worked so ridiculously hard for the past 12 years in college and grad school, I have developed public speaking, written communication, typing, computer software, organizational, and instructional skills. And no one will even give me a second look. Jobs that I know I could do with ease, because I've done them before one way or another, won't give me a chance because I have too much of the wrong education and not enough specific experience for them to care.

So what does that leave for me? I can't even get entry-level jobs that I'm pretty sure I've seen teenagers doing, even though I could probably be working as their manager with ease. Unfortunately, I have a very hard time applying for retail or restaurant positions - the ones that require no experience - because I have so many problems with my body that I honestly don't think I could work a job that required me to be on my feet, standing, walking, or lifting, for 6-8 hours a day, 5 days a week.

And so I'm at home. It's close to 110 degrees outside, so being outside isn't much fun. I stay in the house. I run some errands, cook, clean, do laundry... and worry about the fact that in three weeks we won't have enough money to cover our mortgage and all the other bills. And I feel like a failure. A failure at work, a failure at helping our family.

It would be a very different matter if we were raising a child and we chose for me to stay home and be primarily the nurturer (assuming we could ever afford to live on only one salary, that is). But this isn't my choice. I don't want to be out of work. I have lost count of how many jobs I have applied for since we got back from our honeymoon. And I have nothing to show for it. I'm lost. What am I supposed to be doing if I can't find work, can't help pay the bills, and can't do much of anything else?

Down day

2011-08-01T16:58:00.000-07:00

There are perhaps very few things you can be doing that help to crush your self-esteem more than looking for work. I've been out of work for 2 months, and despite applying to something like 80 jobs in that time (during which I also got married!), I've had almost no interest. I had two in-person interviews, one phone interview, and one potential interview that I missed because I got very sick and couldn't get there. Oh, and I had a job offer today that is extremely sketchy and my gut tells me it's not legit or it's a front for something illegal, so I'm not pursuing that, of course.

I told my husband today that it makes me feel like I've wasted the past twelve years. I worked my butt off in college, had a 4.0 (in two majors), and was valedictorian of my graduating class. I worked 70 hrs a week, at times through the night, for two years to get my Master's degree. I worked until I literally made myself too sick to go on in my doctoral program for 5 years. I worked anywhere from 30-60 hrs a week this past academic year teaching in a position that was technically only a 20-hr-per-week job. I have forsaken relationships, outside activities, and a life in general for over 8 years. [And yes, I understand that without all of that, I never would have met or married my husband. I'm grateful. I know I learned a lot, about life, God, and myself. It wasn't wasted in that sense.]

But what do I have to show for it? My bills far outweigh the money I have left in the bank. We barely had enough money to pay the mortgage today - if I hadn't found the leftover euros from when I left Spain early to take care of my mom, we would have had to scramble to transfer what little money I have into his account. I went to a job fair and almost everyone told me that they had nothing that would fit my skills and education - I would have been better off with an associates degree from community college. I'm begging for jobs that don't require 4-year degrees, because almost everything requires minimum experience levels, and only if I can convince them that I have the skills despite never working in their field can I qualify. I'm over-educated, under-experienced, and honestly could have been farther along if I had simply gotten an industry job right out of college.

It doesn't help that the unemployment rate here is above the national average, and the reality is we probably are closer to 12-13% unemployed in the region. There are literally thousands begging for the same few jobs, and so it's getting increasingly hard to convince anyone to give me a chance when there are dozens or hundreds of candidates that have the exact qualifications they're looking for. I spent over an hour working on an application today that, in all likelihood, won't amount to anything. I'm applying to things that I never wanted to do, and still don't want to do, because I'm so worried that we won't be able to pay our bills by the end of the month. I've thought of going back to school to learn new skills for a different field, but that costs money that we just don't have. I can't afford to spend even $10,000 (a very small number in terms of tuition costs) on more training and schooling right now.

So where does that leave me? I'm exhausted mentally and physically from trying to find new ways to explain that my years teaching and as a graduate student have given me more than enough experience to be your administrative assistant or receptionist. I'm sick of trying to figure out if my body could handle working retail or food services - even though I know I can't handle standing for 6-8 hours a day. I'm exhausted from constantly being told that I just don't have the experience necessary.

I'm trying to trust that God will provide. I'm not doing very well on that front. I'm trying to believe that something will eventually "come along," before we have to sell a car or I have to stop sponsoring my Compassion child in Mexico. If you would have told me 10 years ago that I wouldn't finish the Ph.D., that there would be nothing in my field that I qualify for because the competition would be so intense that no one has to give me a second look, and that I'd be begging for jobs that recent high school graduates could qualify for, I don't know what choice I'd make in terms of my career. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to be doing. And, for a planner like me, that's quite scary.

And yes, I know that God will take care of us. Today is just a seriously down day for me.

Roller Coaster

2011-07-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

So it's almost August, and soon I'm going to be able to start the whole process (about which I still feel a bit in the dark) of changing my name officially. Since I still had bills up at my old apartment through August, it seemed to me a better idea to wait until I no longer had bills coming there (i.e., turn in keys at the apt, close out my utility bills, etc.) to start having to change my name with every single thing connected with me.

While I love the house and love not having to say good bye to my love, it's been hard in some ways. I have to get used to how long it takes to drive out here, which is new for me. We're technically in the capital, but it's so spread out and we're so far away in the corner that it takes forever to get anywhere. Just to get to the beltway, it takes at least 20 minutes, and then you have to actually go where you want to go. It's virtually impossible to get anywhere in less than 45 minutes, which is hard to get used to for me.

This has been especially hard because as of yet, I am still unemployed. I've had three interviews and have sent out probably 50 applications so far, but nothing has come through. It's hard to look for jobs because there is almost nothing in our part of town. Most job listings start at least 10 miles away - but because of the way the city is laid out, that could take you anywhere from 30 minutes to over an hour. It's really hard to know which jobs to apply for, because most things are in the center of town, but that would require me to be in the car anywhere from 2 hours to 5 hours a day.

Money is ridiculously tight for us as long as I'm out of work, and I get pretty stressed about it. I love my husband, and think it's criminal that he gets paid so little when he works so hard. He's the lead teacher for the middle school this year, and he's already spent 7 hours at the school and countless hours prepping at home this week. He doesn't get any real respect, almost no real support, and his salary has been cut every year despite the fact that he's obviously an excellent teacher and a good leader. So as hard as he works - on average, at least 60 hours a week - his salary really doesn't reflect that.

So I'm praying for leads. I check probably 6 different places, 2 of them pretty much every day. It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. The disappointment isn't so much in the market - I knew it was awful, and I knew it would be an uphill battle convincing anyone to hire me when I've done nothing but teach college students for the past 8 years. The disappointment is with how depressing and confusing it is for me.

In college, I knew I was being called to teach. It wasn't just a job, it really was a calling. I dedicated myself to it from then on, and have taught something like 1,000 students while in grad school and this past year at That Other State U. As frustrating as academia could be, and as hard as it was at times, I always had that purpose. The decision to leave academia, at least for now, is one that leaves me feeling both totally free and uncontrollably free-falling. Yes, I have options. Yes, I am not stuck begging for grants every 6 months. Yes, I might actually have the time *and* energy to give my all to my husband and our life together. And yet, I also have no purpose professionally. I have no direction yet. I've applied to so many things, mostly administrative/clerical - primarily because my body is a bit screwed up and I don't think I can handle standing all day. But I don't have a passion. I don't know if I'd even enjoy these jobs.

I never realized until now how much I defined myself as a teacher. It wasn't just my job; it was my definition. And so now, when many of my former colleagues are writing syllabi and working on their dissertation, and my husband is trying to gear up for being at school with his pesky 8th graders starting next week, I'm drifting.

I know that God has a plan for me. I know that there are many things I could do well. But this in-between time is quite hard. I know I'm not alone. I've been reading some blogs from others who have left academia recently. Two that stand out so far are Leaving Academia and Another Academic Bites the Dust. Dustbiter's post on the Roller Coaster was completely relatable.

It's just hard. I'm looking forward to the day when it's less so.

Way too much to say

2011-07-04T19:56:00.001-07:00

There is so much I should say on here, so much I want to say, and yet so much I want to treasure just for me. I keep thinking of that verse in Luke that says, "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." ~Luke 2:19 There is much that I want to treasure and ponder in my heart.

But here's what I can share.

At the end of May, once my then-fiancee's school ended and we cleaned his classroom for the summer, we packed up our stuff, two cats, and my wedding dress and headed to his family's house in the mid-west. We were there for a week and a half, then went to my parents' for a week and a half.

June 11, 2011, was the best day and most perfect of my life. I was up until about 2:45 a.m. catching up with a friend who flew in from the desert to be there. Then in the morning, my groom, his cousin (and best man), my maid-of-honor, two of my friends - my best friend from high school and my best friend from grad school who flew in - and I carpooled and went to brunch. It was so much fun, and the only food I got to eat until dinner at 6:30 that night! It was great to just spend time together and relax and make the morning stress-free. We went to my folks' home and picked up the men's tuxedos and I printed out our vows and we headed to the church. I spent about an hour in the kindergarten room with my mom, future mother-in-law, grandmother, and my female friends who came. Then it was the ceremony.

I hope I never forget. Seeing such loving friends, old family, new family all sitting in the church smiling and crying. Laughing when I saw a friend who drove over 600 miles at 7 months pregnant. Staring straight ahead and smiling at my groom who was trying not to cry. Dear friends singing a song that brought me almost to sobs. Another dear friend as our minister. Vows that made everyone laugh and made me choke up to where I had to take a minute to finish. Watching my mom walk up to help light the unity candle without needing a wheelchair or walker. Finally kissing my HUSBAND. My secret surprise that made the entire crowd howl with laughter as we came down the aisle as man and wife. So many pictures with our entire family - his, mine, now forever OURS. The reception - tables with flowers and, most importantly, pictures of our families especially chosen for the occasion. Laughter - oh, so much laughter. Our best man's speech, accidentally saying that he and the groom had "started our life together"... when he meant that they had started their lives away from home at the same time. Mom wearing my veil for most of the reception. :-)

It was the perfect day. My mom was alive, feeling good, and able to take part in every part of the day, laughing and enjoying herself. I got married to the love of my life and my best friend. Our families are forever united through us and Christ. It was a day of true celebration. We celebrated Christ's love for us. Our families' love for the two of us. Our love for each other. It was the perfect day. The day my life as a wife began.

We'll have plenty of challenges - we already have found some of them - but we can face them together and with Christ's help.

Aah!!

2011-05-20T22:13:00.000-07:00

It's 10 p.m on May 20th. In a little under 11 hours, we should be on the road with my fiance, me, both cats, and my wedding dress (and a whole lot of other "stuff") heading for his parents' house in the midwest. We'll be there around a week and a half until we head to my parents' house for another week and a half, at the end of which... we'll be married!!!

If I had a little more energy, I would literally be jumping up and down. Earlier, I was. :-) My fiance, S, laughs at me a lot because I get so excited. I can't believe it's finally (almost) here. We've been engaged since October, and I gotta say, it feels like we've been waiting forever! When I said that earlier this evening, S said that we have been - but he's been waiting longer. He's been waiting 30 years, 9 months, and 9 days while I've *only* been waiting for 29 years, 7 months, and 15 days. :-)

In other news, I've decided to try to walk more. I'm going to be living in this awesome neighborhood, and since biking isn't that safe around here, I figure I'll start walking more. Hopefully, it'll get me in better shape and maybe I'll lose the weight I've gained this year. And maybe I'll meet some neighbors... So this morning after S went to his final day cleaning out his classroom and doing paperwork, I got in some comfy clothes, loaded up my mp3 player, and walked around the neighborhood. It was a glorious 70 degrees, so it wasn't hot at all. I walked 1.3 miles in a little under 30 minutes. I have an audio bible on my mp3 player, so I listened to Psalms 8-19 on the walk. It was so wonderful to silently repeat the Psalms as I listened, praising God for His holiness and glory while also listening to birds chirping and life blowing around me.

I should try to get some sleep. I usually have so much nervous energy that I can't sleep more than 4 or 5 hours before a trip, but I promised S that since I am insisting we leave in the morning - not, like last year, at 1 p.m.!!! - that I'll drive the first leg. [I'm not making him get up when I'd like to, around 5 a.m., but I will go nuts if we don't leave until noon, so we're compromising and planning to try to leave around 8:30.] That way he can rest for a while, rest his back and knee and wait for his medicine to kick in before having to drive the four of us on the interstate. I'm guessing I'll probably make it 3 hours before I'll need a break. That all said, I probably need more than my usual 5 hours.

So night, all. I might not be on here for a while, cause I'm getting married!!!

Scripture Memory #10

2011-05-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

So I've been trying to memorize two verses a month, but I have to confess that I have not been doing well at working on them lately. I could blame work, fatigue, illness, and bad choices, but the honest answer is that I've been selfish and have chosen all the things I think I want rather than choosing God. Thankfully, I know that "if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).

So here are my verses - some I know by heart, others I still need to look up. I need to choose to work on these every day, even with the wedding coming up in a month and the honeymoon and such. I choose Christ!

1. "God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should change His mind. Does He speak and not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?" ~Numbers 23:19

2. "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us and will deliver us from your hand, o king. But even if He does not, we want you know, o king, that we will not worship your gods nor serve the image of gold you have set up." ~Daniel 3:17-18

3. "See, I am doing a new thing! Even now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." ~Isaiah 43:19

4. "In your anger, do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent." ~Psalm 4:4

5. "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who gave them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand." ~John 10:27-29

6. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." ~Philippians 4:6

7. "May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." ~Romans 15:13

8. "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:6-7

9. "I am the vine, and you are the branches. If you remain and me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." ~John 15:5

10. "Everyone should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." ~1 Peter 4:10

I choose to learn these. Oh Lord, help me to be self-disciplined and to choose you. Run these verses through my heart and head constantly, Father. Help me to not just memorize them for the sake of memorizing them, but let them work in me to do your good will.

Running in circles

2011-04-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

I've been going non-stop this week, and I don't actually mean that I have been productive. [Though, I did write and give four lectures - two on the Crusades for my World History class, one on the Crusading Era and another on the development of anti-Semitism in Europe for my Western Civ class. I suppose that's not insignificant...] Rather, I mean that my brain will not turn off. I cannot get it to stop thinking through different scenarios about my employment and our future after our wedding.
If nothing else, no one could say that I haven't been making plans for different possibilities. This week I have:

1. Written up a non-academic resume and posted it on a job-hunt site to help get the ball rolling;

2. Submitted an academic C.V., application, and cover letter to the community colleges' adjunct pool. The CCs in this city are all interconnected, and so the individual departments don't usually accept the applications (at least, that's what they said...);

3. Wrote a completely different resume focusing on my music experience and submitted an application for an institute for performing arts that is seeking piano teachers;

4. Have an application in the works for a tutoring company downtown that has a philosophy for teaching that resonated with me and, perhaps as important for me, does tutoring in the office complex, and not in students' homes. There are a number of companies in town that I could apply to work for as a tutor, but they all require the tutor to meet at the student's home, and I'm a bit too distrustful for that to be comfortable.

5. Finally, of course, there's getting info for the CMA training (for which I have info for three different programs, and have read through a book at B&N about the training and national accreditation exam).

As I said, you can't say I'm not exploring my options. I have spent countless hours browsing through job listings for the area with all sorts of key words: education, teaching, history, tutoring, Spanish, bilingual, administrative, piano, adjunct, part-time... etc.

But I'm frustrated. I finally realized on my drive home from a second wedding dress fitting that the frustration was because I'm scared and feel so much uncertainty about what to do. For most of my adult life, there was always a degree of certainty. College was a given, and when God pushed me into what would become my alma mater, I knew within three days that I'd apply and go there... and I did. While it took me about 3 years to figure out God was pushing me into teaching, once I realized it, there wasn't any real uncertainty as to what to do. While I was utterly miserable in my MA program (not with the work, just the rest of life there), it wasn't a hard decision to apply to doctoral programs. It was a little hard to decide to abandon the PhD this past fall, but my heart had changed so much it wasn't as difficult a decision to make as I thought it would be. It's been harder dealing with the post-grad school guilt. Taking my current job was problematic, and is the only real time I can point to that relates to this. But my current situation isn't just about which job to take; it is about the fundamental position God has for me in this world.

I really have gotten excited about the CMA idea, but I also realized tonight that I feel guilty wanting to do it. My fiance and I talked a lot tonight about it all, and I realized that I feel guilty because I know we will be really struggling to pay all the bills. Is it fair to ask him to struggle while I go back to school for more training? He did point out, as I had yesterday, that it's about delayed gratification - we might struggle for a little while in exchange for the possibility of stability in a year.

So here we are. I'm literally running in 5 or 6 different circles simultaneously. Picture me at the center of all of these concentric circles. That's how my brain feels. That's how my life feels. All I really know is this:

God has a plan for me. God has a plan for us, for me and my fiance. He will not let us flounder without revealing Himself to us. I have a loving and supportive fiance and we get to marry each other before God, our families, and the state in 49 days, 12 hours, and 7 minutes (according to my computer's clock). We'll figure something out. Whatever that will be, we have each other and we have Christ, the RISEN LORD.

Blessed Easter weekend to all....

Update

2011-04-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

I had someone ask what I was looking at, and the field is health care. I don't know exactly what in that field, though right now I've gotten information for the training needed to be a CMA - certified medical assistant. The job market outlook for that position is projected to grow at least 18% between now and 2018 - even with the economic collapse.

I came down this evening since my TA (who doesn't do much) is taking care of the students tomorrow. We spent about an hour and a half talking about this. I have estimates on time/money required for two different programs. One of them is around $5000, but we don't know what that actually covers (if anything) other than tuition. One is $13,000, all fees included - we're talking texts, labs, uniforms, etc. At this point, we don't know why there is such disparity between them. I'm not sure if one is that much better (or worse), or if it's because one is a community college and the other isn't... I'd have to figure that out.

But I have a dilemma. If we decide together that this is the best thing for us as a couple and for me as an individual, I would have to be in class 4-5 days a week, 4-6 hours per day - longer when you get to the clinical externship. This would take about 9 months. If we did this, I'm not at all sure what kind of part time job I could get that would allow me to still do the classes and study. The one school is a bit closer - maybe a 25 minute drive from the house; the other is the center of town, and would probably take an hour to 90 minutes in morning traffic. That means probably leaving the house by 6:30 a.m., 5 days a week, and not getting home until 1 or 1:30 p.m., then trying to study and earn money? I don't know... There's another program that I found as well, but it is literally about as far away as you can get from the house and still be in the valley. It would take me a good 90 minutes, perhaps up to 2.5 hours to get there each day. I don't know if that's even in the realm of possibility. I love my fiance and his house, but it is as far away from the actual city as you can get. My country boy...

One the one hand, if I could get through the training and pass the certification exam, I would have a much greater possibility of finding a job, and the certification is good for 5 years before you have to renew. On the other hand, doing this means giving up the possibility of my earning a decent wage, which means we might not be able to pay all the bills this first year of marriage without loans, credit card debt, or some other means of help.

There are days that I really wish God would just set up a huge flashing billboard saying, "This is my plan - now do it!" I just want to know what it is I'm supposed to do. Right now, from what I've seen of the job market here, there is almost no chance I'll end up with a job teaching history at the college level. There just aren't any openings. The community college system is losing 50% of their budget (thanks to our ridiculous legislators), the state university is still under a hiring freeze (thanks, also, to our legislators). I'm not credentialed to teach high school - and any history jobs that we've seen require you to be a coach, because it's really to get a good coach, not a good teacher. I've seen some tutoring jobs, but they require you to meet at the person's home, and I'm seriously distrustful that everyone requesting a tutor is safe to enter their homes, alone, as a woman. (That's what happens when you grow up watching the news from Philly every day.)

But can we really afford for me to spend 9 months of our first year of marriage not earning a decent salary? If I could find a part time job, it would have to be either for the afternoon, evenings, or weekends - the only times my husband would actually be home. So what do we do? He keeps saying that he's sure I'd be great at it, and he just wants me to be happy. I keep saying that we are no longer making decisions based on "I," but we need to make decisions based on "we." What do we think is best? What is a good situation for both of us?

My mom is supportive, and didn't seem to think the tuition would be that difficult to handle. His mom is signing me up for job alerts for "teaching," despite the fact that 100% of the job postings are in things I'm not qualified for at all. For most jobs that I do find, I am seriously over-educated and seriously under-experienced.

So what do we do? I have NO. IDEA. AT. ALL. Other than to pray for wisdom. And, since I'm me, think about things constantly.

Changes...again?

2011-04-20T00:44:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep. I'm not in pain, though I did have a migraine earlier today (but it was the first in a week, so that's good for me!). No, it's not my body, it's my brain. It won't shut off.

It all started yesterday. My fiance sent me a text message saying that the superintendent of the school district he teaches in came to talk to the faculty and announced yet another pay cut to the teachers. Since he began working in this state, he's suffered a 30% reduction in pay - no part of which was due to poor evaluations, but all consequences of the state legislature brutally slashing primary and secondary education funding. So this wasn't exactly unexpected, but it is disheartening. They're trying to pretend like it's not a pay cut by saying their salaries are remaining the same, but the district is refusing to pay part of the retirement contributions, and the state is essentially stealing its 3% contribution to use to cover the enormous debt the legislature is in. [The state promises it'll pay the teachers back what they owe them, but I'm not going to hold my breath on that one.] This all essentially means that my fiance will be losing an extra $4500 for the year. It doesn't sound like much, but when they've already reduced his salary down below $30,000, that's a huge cut.

So we had a hard conversation about our finances. We worked out what our monthly required bills are - mortgage, water, electric, gas, HOA fee, car insurance, medical insurance, home owners' insurance, etc. We figured out that his reduced salary - assuming they don't cut even more before August - will maybe just barely cover those mandatory bills. It won't be enough to put anything in savings, and it might not even be enough to cover weekly gas and food bills. It certainly wouldn't be possible to start a family with just his salary - something we both are hoping we can do fairly soon, since we're both starting on our 30s.

All this means that I have to work. Unless something dramatic changes for his position, we cannot live on his salary alone. And that leads to what is keeping me awake and unable to shut down the brain. I've worked in education for 8 years now. Longer, if you count all the tutoring and grading I did as an undergrad for the Spanish and History departments. I've taught close to 1,000 students at three state universities. I love teaching, and I love my students. I have my MA, I attained ABD status in my PhD program. I've been in Spain three times doing dissertation research.

And I might walk away from academia altogether. I wrote out a non-academic resume and posted it on an employment site in the hopes it would help me get started on looking for a job for after our wedding. But searching there, along with a few things my fiance said, have pushed me down a totally different path.

I might be considering a radical change in my career - one that would require me to go back to school at the lower level, perhaps for an academic year, to obtain the requisite training. I even went so far as to research programs and request information from a few of them that are close to my fiance's house. It's crazy, right? I was a student from age 5 to age 29 non-stop, with the exception of the months I was taking care of Mom that first winter that she was fighting cancer. Do I really want to go back to school, at this point?

The cons are:
1. the money it would require - not a ton (at least not compared with being a grad student with no funding),
2. the time - from what I've seen, I'd probably have to be in training/class for about 9 months, so I'd have to figure out a plan to earn money and go to school without going nuts, and
3. the uncertainty about whether this is really the best option for me, and whether I'd be happy doing it.

There are a number of "pros" to consider, as well.
1. job availability - it's in a field that is growing by leaps and bounds, and, at least compared to teaching history, offers a far greater possibility that I could be earning decent money within the next year,

2. flexibility - because of the field and the need, I would be far more likely to have a job no matter where we lived; if this state continues to treat the secondary teachers so badly, we might not have a choice but to move in a few years. It would be awfully nice if I had a career that was easily movable. While I always thought teaching was that, the market for history profs (especially ones without PhD in hand) is shrinking every year, and there's no guarantee that I can even find a job here, say nothing of somewhere else.

3. the pay - it wouldn't actually be a lot, at least not compared to many fields, but as long as my fiance's salary could cover our major expenses, anything that I earn could be used for daily living (i.e., car fuel, food, occasional expenses) and the rest could be put into savings. Both of us have had to live paycheck to paycheck - me for the last 8 years, him for the last 2. It would be so incredibly nice to have money saved away - for kids, for retirement, for medical bills, etc.

4. I also realized that this potential career change wouldn't necessarily prevent me from teaching in the future, if a job was available. I applied again for the adjunct pool at the community college system, and it is possible that I could teach a class in the future even if I change my primary focus. I also realized that, if I really loved it, I could potentially teach the new skills later on down the line.

This is crazy, right?

The problem is... maybe it isn't. Maybe it really is the best move for me, for my career potential, and for our family life. I can't imagine how much less stress my fiance would live with if we knew we could provide for ourselves and any little ones that come along. I'm praying about it. I can't stop thinking about it. Last night I was up until 2 a.m. researching it. It's after 12:30 tonight and I still can't get my brain to shut off. My parents were actually highly amenable to the idea, which shocked me a bit. I need to pray. I need to ponder. I need to really talk with someone who could tell me what I could expect. But this feels like a really serious, potentially great possibility.

And I'm just a little scared.

Late night ponderings

2011-04-16T00:29:00.001-07:00

It's late. It's after midnight, in fact. My body has been going back and forth between sleeping for hours on end and not being able to fall asleep. Tonight appears to be one of the "hard to fall asleep" nights.

Today was a hard day. A bad day, even. It's a little rare for me to have a day that has little to redeem itself, but today was one. And I need to describe it, just so I can get out the frustration and let it go. It did not start out badly, but I started working on financial issues around 9 a.m. (since I already had my class prepped for today), and things went down hill from there. I had to pay some pretty hefty bills, and so had to do some calculations to see if I could pay off my entire credit card bill or if I'd have to leave a balance of some amount (which I normally don't do).

The financial work led to calculating my remaining bills between now and the first of August, when I'll finally, formally be out of this apartment and living in my fiance's house. That was pretty scary. I have about 3 times as much money owed in bills as I'll have coming in. That got me thinking about health and car insurance payments, and trying to figure out what to do about my health insurance since my benefits end June 1st and I can't get on my fiance's insurance policy until July 1st. (We were told we have to wait until we're married to apply to add me. They can add me to his policy the day after our wedding, but won't start coverage until the first day of the following month, so I'm uninsured for June unless I find another option.) That was a very unpleasant task. No good options, and the only one that would still cover my pre-existing conditions would cost upwards of $700. So that got me frustrated and emotional.

Then I went to class. My graduate TA skipped class, without informing me or asking me for permission to skip. He already had asked for permission to miss two of three classes next week due to family coming into town, and I had said yes. But I had a number of things I needed to discuss with him regarding the end of next week, and he bailed. He didn't have the courtesy to email me, so I emailed him. I know that it's got to be a little hard for these TAs since I'm younger than them and I don't have a PhD in hand. But you'd think they'd give me even a little respect. My students weren't much better. It was quite apparent by their body language, posture, and an above average amount of disrespectful behavior - despite my asking and then telling them it was inappropriate and to stop - that they were neither interested nor willing to pay attention.

After work, I had to go shopping. Blech. I hate shopping. Especially for clothes. But our choir director announced only a few days ago that we have to match this weekend for our performances, so I had to go find clothes. I got home to find my router messing up badly. I spent almost 90 minutes troubleshooting, resetting, and even completely re-establishing my network before it finally began to work decently.

All of this, combined with very unhelpful comments from my parents, and the fact that my fiance might not get to come up at all tomorrow because his car is having some problems, led to a very emotional day and evening. I began to cheer up a little after some tacos for dinner (Mexican food makes me happy. I know, I'm weird.), and then I decided to ignore all the stresses of being an adult with huge decisions ahead (like a new career), too many responsibilities, and not enough funds to take care of them all by watching some old Disney movies.

Thanks to Netflix, I got to watch "Sleeping Beauty" for the first time in probably 25 years. I had a book that told the story when I was little, and I always loved the illustrations, so it was lovely to watch again. And now, since I can't sleep, I'm watching the '90s Disney version of the "Three Musketeers." It's goofy, reminds me of watching it with one of my good friends in the theatre when we were maybe 12 years old, and the soundtrack absolutely makes the movie.

I know this post is not at all uplifting, contains no deep thoughts on anything important, and is primarily me describing a crappy day. But I needed to write it out. Maybe now I can get my brain to turn off, stop thinking about it all, and go to sleep.

Casting Cares

2011-03-27T04:06:00.000-07:00

So my sixth verse for SSMT was Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God."

I don't seem to be learning this one very well. You see, it's 3:30 a.m., and I haven't slept yet. In fact, I've been struggling with severe insomnia for the last few months. I've never had insomnia before, so it's been very difficult on me physically and emotionally.

I would really like to avoid taking medicine every night. So this is my beginning of presenting my requests to God so He can deal with them and help me figure out how to handle the stress and anxiety that comes with all of these things.

Father, here are some of the things that are weighing so heavily on my mind. Please help me to learn how to really give these over to you. Remind me that I don't have to be in control. You, o Lord, are enough.. You are strong enough to hold me up. You are powerful enough to control all of these things. You are intelligent enough to design perfect plans to deal with these things. You are loving enough to never leave me alone in these things. You are merciful enough to provide a way to deal with these issues or to completely end them.

1. Finances - paycheck ends after May 31st, and I currently have about $2500 in bills and not that much money in my account. I also worry that the state will reduce my fiancee's teaching salary again and that we won't have enough income to pay our bills each month. I confess that you are Jehovah Jireh, the Lord Provider, and I ask you to help me trust that You will provide for these bills.

2. Mom's health - you know how much I worry about losing Mom. I'm so grateful that you've given us the last two years, but despite that gratefulness, I fear that I'll lose her soon. I don't know how to get through the week without talking with her. She's my best friend. Help me to remember that You are the one who numbers our days. You. Not cancer. Not doctors. You. You know exactly when each of us will come home. Help me to remember that you hold us in your hands, and that when you bring Mom home to your arms, you won't leave me alone. Help me to trust that you will provide all of us with what we need for what's to come.

3. My health and my fiancee's health - I worry about our collective health issues. I worry that we might not be able to have children. I worry about whether our bodies will allow us to take care of children. I worry that we will never know days without pain. Lord, help me to trust you in this. Help me to trust that you have a perfect plan, whether that includes biological children or adopted children or something else entirely. Help me to trust that you would give us the strength we need if your plan includes children.

4. My career - I think this one has been harder than I ever expected. I have a lot of peace about quitting the PhD program. I really do. But the uncertainty of the future is crushing a bit. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'll even be able to stay in teaching. I don't know where to look. I am so lost when it comes to this. O Jesus, you tell me not to worry about tomorrow. You tell me that you hold me in your hand, and that your will is perfect. I know that you led me to this place. Help me to hold on to all that I know about you. Help me to resist the self-doubt and all the insecurities and lies satan tries to tell me to get me off track.

There are more. Many, many more. But these are the most important ones right now. O Jesus, take these burdens and give me the strength to stand. And the peace to sleep again.

God-driven encounter

2011-03-23T18:07:00.000-07:00

Before I get to the good part, I have to lament for just a minute. I think I strained my left pectoral muscle. This morning I suddenly woke up to a great deal of pain stretching from my sternum and left breast up to my collar bone and stretching over to my left arm is SO sore. I've been using my heating pad, and that has helped. But wow. I'm guessing it's from being sick all weekend and the strain it took on my muscles. I just pray it relaxes soon. It's disconcerting to have pain that feels like it's inside your breast when it's really from your muscles and tendons. So it's more rest for me now that teaching is done for the day.

But anyway, on to what I wanted to write about. I had a God-driven encounter today. I finished teaching and was driving home afterward when I suddenly turned in to a parking lot and decided to try a restaurant that I've passed every work day for the last 7 months but had never tried. I thought it was a fast food-ish pita place, based on the name. It turned out to be a sit-down restaurant.

Now, I normally don't eat in sit-down restaurants by myself. I feel awkward and out of place and I'd rather eat at home. But I was so hungry and the food on the menu (pitas, Mediterranean platters, chicken schwarma, gyros, etc.) all sounded delicious. So I went in, sat and ordered, and eventually ate an absolutely delicious chicken pita sandwich with garlic potatoes on the side.

I noticed that a particular woman was staring at me as she left the place, but didn't think much of it. About 10 minutes later, though, when I was getting ready to leave, I noticed one of my former TAs sitting on the other side of the room with his young daughter. So I went over to talk to him.

While our conversation wasn't spiritual in nature, I'm still convinced that God led me there so I could talk with him. Things have been changing rapidly in the department here, with the university choosing to "disestablish" the PhD program - in which he is a first-year student. I had been quite worried about him and his family since I heard the news. God gave me the opportunity to talk to him about what the faculty have been saying, what some of his options are within the state at the other state universities, and about resources that I have at my former university that might be helpful for him.

We ended up talking for something like an hour, and when it was time for me to go, he said that he was so thankful because his own advisor hasn't really sat down with him and talked with him in that way.

Again, I know this wasn't about spiritual things, but I feel strongly that God had me go to a place I've ignored for 7 months so I could be of some help to him and his family. It turns out that the woman who stared at me is his wife - she had wanted to meet me, but was at risk of being late for a meeting at work, so she didn't introduce herself.

I just hope that things work out for them. Things are so uncertain these days. But I'm glad that God led me even when I wasn't expecting it. :-)

Anxious

2011-03-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

So God hit me upside the head a few minutes ago. I was considering what to do for the Living Proof Ministries Siesta Scripture Memory Team #6. As I've said, I've pledged to commit 24 verses to memory this year. I realized that one of the reasons I've had such a hard time with the last one was that it wasn't speaking to me about something right now- I chose it because I love the message, but I didn't follow God's leading. And yes, we're having a conversation about that one...

But I was browsing some of the other ladies' verses and one had chosen Philippians 4:6, Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

*Thwack*

Did you hear that? That was God hitting me on the back of the head (gently, at least, but firmly). He said quite clearly, "My child, you need to learn this one. Not just to memorize, but you need to start living it. You worry FAR too much, and you need not."

You see, I am a worrier. I got it from my mother and my grandmother. They are legendary worriers. But I'm at least a princess-level, if not the queen worrier in the family. It's worse when my migraines flare up, due to the way migraine attacks affect mood and rational thinking. It also can be worse at night. Earlier this week, I had a major worry attack, and it threw my fiancee for a loop. He loves me, but really didn't know how to comfort me at all.

My worrying brain told me I have tons to worry about. My mom's cancer fight. My aunt's cancer fight. His mom's thyroid surgery next month. His grandmother's declining health. My 3 grandparents' health concerns. My unemployment after May. Finances. My health. His health. The cats' ability to coexist. And more.

But this morning, God said clearly: Your problem isn't anxiety. It's pride. You continue to think that it's all up to you to "think ahead," as you call it. You don't really trust that I'm taking care of it. You keep thinking that you are in charge. (Ha haha! Sorry, but that is pretty funny.) You need to admit this area of pride and start really committing your worries to me. Let me take care of them. I am bigger than all of your problems.

To support this, here are some other things God has said in His word to confirm it:

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your cares upon Him, because He cares for you!

Matthew 6:33-34 But seek first his kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things, at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever, Amen!

Philippians 4:19 And my God will supply all your needs, according to His riches in Christ Jesus.

Hebrews 2:18 Because He Himself suffered when He was tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted.

Jude 1:24-25 To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy - to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power, and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore, Amen!

These are just a *very small* selection of the verses that emphasize God's desire and ability to take care of us. So, if you're like me, take heart and ask God to help you trust that He really means what He says. Our God is ABLE. Praise Him!

A good day

2011-03-14T23:17:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't done as much writing on here as I'd have liked the last few days, but it was a hard week - I had to create and give two midterm exams but also had to calculate and submit mid-semester grades for all 150 of my students. That took forever! (Well, okay, it took about 10 hours of grading and calculating, but in two days, that was a lot of work.) Thankfully, this week is spring break both for me and my fiancee, so I get to spend the whole week down here with him and our cats. The one negative to this is that I have to sleep on a couch for a week, but oh well.
Today was my third day here, and it was a wonderful day, for a few reasons:

1. I was with my fiancee, all day, on a Monday - hasn't happened more than twice since the semester began, since we both teach 5 days a week.
2. I felt good enough to work out this morning before he woke up, and I'm beginning to see results from my cardio/weights workouts. I definitely feel better about my body and I'm getting stronger. This is a wonderful feeling!
3. I had NO PAIN today.
--> Let that one sink in. I had NO pain. My back didn't hurt. My sinuses didn't hurt. My jaw wasn't swollen. My migraines didn't flare up. I also had no problems with my low blood pressure. I never got dizzy. I got through the entire day, from 7:30 a.m. until now (11 p.m.) like a normal person! That almost never happens. In fact, I can't honestly remember the last time I felt this good. I'm still dealing with my cold, but other than a few coughing fits and not being able to breathe through my nose, today was an absolutely phenomenal day. Praise the LORD for His goodness to me!
4. I got to cook for us. Unfortunately, the recipe I used ended up being too spicy for both of us (which, for me, is a rare thing), but the flavors were actually delicious. Who knew that orange marmalade could be a key ingredient in delicious chicken burritos?
5. My fiancee's cat didn't attack my cat more than twice. This is an improvement!

Tomorrow is the 15th, which means it's time for another scripture to memorize. I don't know yet what I am going to use for this 6th verse. I have to confess not knowing my 5th one as well as I'd like. With all of the stress at work the last two weeks, I confess that I didn't focus on this one as much as I did the previous 4. In order, they have been:

January 1: Numbers 23: 19 - God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?

January 15: Daniel 3:17-18 - If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us and will deliver us from your hand, o king. But even if He does not, we want you to know, o king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.

February 1: Isaiah 43:19 - See, I am doing a new thing! Even now it springs up - do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

February 15: Psalm 4:4 - In your anger, do not sin: when you lie in your beds, search your hearts and be silent.

March 1: John 10:27-29 - My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish: no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who gave them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand.

For some reason, I always get tripped up with "I know them, and they follow me" - I want to switch it around, or say that "they know me," but then I get messed up and have to look it up. So that means for the rest of this month, I will have to practice two of them to get them in my head more.

So this post definitely isn't as deep as some of my others, but I am just so thankful that God gave me such a wonderful day today. I am so blessed by my Father in heaven. I am thankful for the lack of pain, the time with my fiancee, the rest from work, the provision of a home and family and job, and for His daily mercies.

I hope you all have had as wonderful a day!

The loosener of knots

2011-03-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

I'm back in my Daniel study again after lapsing a bit this last week. It's no excuse, but being sick left me so tired, I chose the easy route and did not engage in active bible study the last few days. Lord, please change this about me so that I might not choose the easy way of this world, but give me a heart that chooses you in every circumstance!

I'm at the point in Daniel where king Belshazzar has been frightened to death by handwriting on the wall. The queen mother comes and tells him about a Jew named Daniel, who "was found to have a keen mind and knowledge and understanding, and also the ability to interpret dreams, explain riddles, and solve difficult problems" (Daniel 5:12).

That last phrase, "solve difficult problems," in Aramaic is literally "the loosening of knots," implying that Daniel could loosen "knotty" things or difficulties. The question was then posed: what knots do you wish God would enable you to loosen?

I have to admit, I had no idea when I came across the question. What in my life is "knotty"? I don't know.

But what if I phrase it a different way: what is there in my life that ties me up, or entangles me?

Ah, now, that is easier to answer.
1. My temper - I don't get "angry" so much as frustrated, and I have been frustrated a lot this past year. It does no one any good, and only works to entangle me in sin.

2. My tongue - ain't this the truth for most all of us? How often do our tongues get us in trouble? Cursing. Using the name of the LORD in an unholy way. Gossiping. Speaking less than the truth. Convincing ourselves (or, worse, others) that the lies Satan tells us are the truth.

3. My self-reliance - here I am not talking about physical reliance, but that ridiculous part of my ego that says I can handle things on my own. The part that tries to tell me that I don't really need God's help, I can figure out life, the universe, and everything without Him. The part that makes me worry until I'm sick about things I have no control over because it says I should have control.

There are others as well. Oh, how these have tied me - chained me, really - to sin. They tie me to the worst parts of myself, and work to prevent the glorious mercies of God from transforming me like He desires to do.

But, friends, there is glorious, wonderful news for all of us who tie ourselves up until we are strangling in our sin and pride.

Christ is the great un-tier. Listen to what He proclaims in Isaiah:

For the Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion -
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of HIS splendor. ~Isaiah 61:1-3

He is the great releaser, the freer, the one who can take our chains (and our knots) and bring complete freedom. He brings beauty, gladness, and praise to replace our ashes, mourning, and despair.

Paul wrote that "the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who, with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit" (2 Corinthians 3:17-18). He brings freedom as He transforms us from our sinful selves into reflections of His glory.

Paul also wrote that "anyone who has died has been freed from sin ... count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus" (Romans 6:7, 11).

The good news is this, friends: we do not have to spend our lives (or eternity) tied up, chained, constrained, and constricted. We serve the Almighty God, the freer of prisoners, the untier of knots, and the giver of LIFE!

Oh, Lord, untie my knots, release me from my chains, and transform me ever more into your glorious likeness, that I might reflect you and proclaim my freedom in you!

Eternity is stamped on our hearts

2011-03-07T14:03:00.002-07:00

I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ~Ecclesiastes 3:10-11

Do you ever simultaneously want two opposite results? You want two things that you know cannot coexist simultaneously, and can't quite get your mind to choose one.

I've been feeling that way often lately. You see, I look at the world around us and get the sense that we are in the midst of what Christ called the "last days." Christ said that in the last days, many will come in His name, deceiving those who follow them. {Check.} You will hear of wars and rumors of wars. {Check.} Nation will rise against nation. {Check.} There will be famines and earthquakes. {Check.} He said these are the "beginning of birth pains." (See Matthew 24:4-8.)

I've read Daniel. I've read Matthew. I've read Revelation. I know what God has revealed of His ordained plan for the end of the age. And so there is a part of me - the eternal part - that is excited about this. It means that Christ is returning soon! And that, finally, the pain, suffering, and hardships of this life will be erased and replaced with the glorious eternity in God's presence for His children. That is a glorious thing, my friends! Listen to how John described it:

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.' He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!' Then He said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.' ~Revelation 21:1-5

Hallelujah! Friends, how can we not leap for joy at these words??!! Glory be to God, who truly makes ALL things new!

I can't wait for that, can you?

And yet...

Here's the other half of my truth. As much as I do earnestly long for Christ's coming, I must confess that part of me hopes it is not too soon.

You see, the non-eternal part of me is looking forward to being a wife come June. It is looking forward to having children with my soon-to-be husband. I want to be a mother, to grow old with my husband. I want to serve God and raise up children to do so as well. I want to run my race. (And I sort of hope that the race won't be cut short before any of those other things happen.)

At first, I felt quite guilty about these feelings. How could I wish that Christ's return be delayed? Do I really want this depraved world longer? Well, no. But I've coming to realize that, when it comes to my faith, both desires are ok. God made me not just eternal - He not only set eternity in my heart - but He also made me temporal. Physical. And He has been shaping my desires for this life as well as my desires for Him.

I think the only thing to do is to expect Him to come, to hope for His coming, but to never forget the race that He has given you to do in the meantime. He knows His plans for us (Jeremiah 29:11), and He has given each of us a purpose. So I will do what I know He has told me to do - to proclaim His word, to worship Him, to grow in faith, to take care of my family - and let Him worry about whether He'll wait until after I have kids or not. :-) I guess this is one area where trusting the sovereignty of God is quite liberating.

Expect Christ every day. Prepare for Him. Be one of the wise brides, and keep the oil in your lamp. But don't use that as an excuse for neglecting what God has planned for you to do before He returns. And rejoice that, one day, you will enter into the glorious presence of your God and never have to leave again!

Shout out

2011-03-05T16:03:00.002-07:00

So I have been very sick this week. My throat was pretty raw earlier in the week, but I made it through teaching until Thursday morning. Then I totally lost my voice, so had to let my students go after about 10 minutes Thursday afternoon.

The one plus side is that it gave me the opportunity to drive down to my fiancee earlier than usual. Unfortunately, I have been pretty sick the whole time I've been here, so he has had to put up with a lot of pretty rough coughing on my end.

But I have to say how very thankful I am. Thankful that I have a loving God who provided me with such an amazing man to love me, even when I'm gross and sick and my coughs make my little germaphobe cringe. I am so thankful to have the opportunity to serve alongside this amazing man, to help him and let him help me.

Now if his cat wouldn't attack my cat, and if only my cat wouldn't be so terrified... :-)

Thoughts on teachers

2011-03-04T10:56:00.003-07:00

I've tried to remain silent, but I really can't anymore. I am absolutely appalled at the vitriol I've been hearing directed toward K-12 teachers, primarily by Republicans, but by some Democrats, too.

It's obvious that 99.9% of the people yammering about how awful teachers are and how little work they do and how they don't deserve what "we" pay them know absolutely squat about teachers. So here's a little glimpse of what my family goes through:

1. My fiancee teaches from the first week of August through the last week in May. He does not get paid for June or July at all. This whole "they only work 9 months" crap is just that. He DOES NOT GET PAID for the remaining months of the summer.

2. He does not work "from 8-3" and get summers off. On a light day, he is at work by 6:30 a.m. and might get home before 7 p.m. On a heavier work day, when grades are due or extra work has been piled on, he is there from 6 a.m. until 10 or 11 p.m. This never changes.

3. He gets about 3 sick days for the year, and even on the rare days he has to stay home, he has to prepare everything for his sub, so he doesn't really get to rest.

4. His salary is nowhere near "$50,000 with up to $45,000 in benefits!" Since he started teaching, his salary has been cut 30%, with odds good that it'll be cut again this summer. He currently makes less than $30,000 a year. As for benefits, he has basic health insurance and dental, and has to give a hearty chunk of his gross salary to the state retirement plan as well. He's not raking in the dough, nor is the state paying outrageous benefits, but the same basic plans that most every other employer is required to offer.

5. Unless you've lived on Mars for the last few decades, you should know that most teachers pay for most of their supplies out of their own pockets. My fiancee has to buy paper, pencils, books, notebooks, and all sorts of other supplies that come out of his own bank account because the school district is broke and can't afford to get books for his students to use. He often can't assign books he'd love for his students to read because the school won't buy books (for the English teacher, mind).

6. With all the vitriol about the power of teacher unions, you need to know that some states don't allow them at all. The state where we live is a "right to work" state, which means you can't unionize at all. That means that here, where education has been the one item slashed every year for the last five years, teachers have no collective bargaining power, and no one stands up for their rights.

7. The teachers in my fiancee's school district can't get out of their contracts, either. They can't just "quit if they don't like it." The school makes them sign a contract that threatens to have their teaching license revoked by the state if they do not carry out all duties for the full term of their contract.

8. The contract also has an "other duties as assigned" clause, which the administrators have taken to mean that they can force the teachers to do all sorts of things (for no extra pay) at any time. My fiancee has been forced to clean the school grounds on the weekends (like last weekend), work as a waiter for school fundraisers (on weeknights, preventing him from grading and doing actual work), and much more. How many businessmen have to do extra crap that's not in their job description?

9. Teachers without tenure have virtually no job security. My fiancee's job is dependent on ridiculous evaluations - usually consisting of a person randomly entering his classroom for 5 minutes and then bashing him for not doing all sorts of other things in that 5 minutes - and on student test scores. Regardless of the fact that test scores depend mainly ON THE STUDENT - their personality, memory, learning skills or disabilities, parental involvement, sleep habits, health or illness, poverty (if they're hungry, do they really care about grammar?), etc. No matter, the only thing that matters is if they improve test scores. If they don't, obviously it's the teachers' faults, and they're going to be fired.

10. My fiancee also has to pay for all of his continuing education credits. The state (or school) has done nothing to help him. Despite the fact that each class he has to take (like one this spring that will take up 3 separate weekends, 10 hrs a day) costs upwards of $400-600, that also comes out of pocket.

So please, before you mindlessly join those lambasting teachers and teachers' unions, please do the research. Know what teachers actually go through. You who have 9-5 jobs, how many of you have to take your work home with you? Teachers' jobs are literally never done. There is always more paperwork - individual plans for each student that has a disability or is behind; evaluations on everything from their behavior to the smallest academic achievement; set lesson plans for weeks at a time (how many of you have to submit a work plan for the next month, every month of your career?); plus the actual lessons, and the grading (my fiancee is required to have his students do one graded assignment per day - that's 80 students a day, 5 days a week, so around 400 papers to grade every week, not counting quizzes, tests, or other larger assignments).

We work hard. We work until we literally can't function at the end of the day. I got the day off today, and yet have been doing work from home for the last 3 hours. Please think about how much is on our shoulders before you cut our salaries to the point that we can't pay our bills.

Thank you.

Waiting for that perfect time

2011-02-27T22:23:00.004-07:00

I confess: I hate waiting.

When I was younger, and, honestly, even now, when I'm waiting for someone to arrive or to come pick me up, I go crazy if they aren't on time. When I still lived "at home" with my parents, I would usually play piano while waiting. This was not just to pass the time - it was because the piano was in the living room, and I could watch outside for whomever it was I was expecting.

I am in a serious period of waiting, friends. Except this time, it's not just for a ride or for a friend to show up. It's for my wedding. In 3.5 months, I'm marrying the love of my life.

I get so antsy about it! I tell my fiancee all the time: I wish I could just quit my job, we could elope, and start our life together. But, alas, that can't happen. And so I am waiting.

This brings me to two thoughts:
1) God must have something to teach me in the waiting.
2) Why don't I expect Christ's return for His bride with as much excitement as I do my fiancee's "return" for me?

The first idea is partly a way to keep my focus in these last three and a half months. I decided in January that I needed to really let God shape me into the wife He wants me to be. If I am not reshaped by God, I will be one pitiful, selfish, unloving wife! Why would a bride spend great effort in reshaping her body for her groom-to-be and not ask God to reshape her heart?

So I have been praying for the last two months that God would do a mighty work in me, that He would show me areas that I need to let Him prune before they become dangers to our marriage.

The funny thing about asking God to help you find areas that you need His help on is that He will immediately start showing them to you! And so He is.

The second idea comes in large part from Matthew 25:

At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. The wise, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep.
At midnight the cry rang out: 'Here's the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!'
Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, 'Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.'
'No,' they replied, 'there might not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.'
But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut.
Late the others also came. 'Sir! Sir!' they said. 'Open the door for us!' But he replied, 'I tell you the truth, I don't know you.'
Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour." ~Matthew 25: 1-13

Scripture says that we, the Church, are the bride of Christ. He is coming back for us one day - though He has been "a long time in coming" (for us, at least).

Imagine that. Christ is coming back! And part of His plan is to collect His bride that they might be together forever. I know how much I long to be with my earthly beloved - I tell him every time we talk! I long for it with my whole being. I sometimes even cry when we are apart.

I wonder what it would be like if all of God's children waited with the kind of expectation and anxiety and sheer joy that brides do for their wedding day? I wonder how different we would appear to the rest of the world if we were truly expecting Him, waiting for Him, jumping in place in total excitement and pleasure knowing that He's on His way?

Are you expecting your bridegroom?

Holy

2011-02-25T17:01:00.004-07:00

I must confess, I have struggled for years with understanding the concept of holiness. Be holy. Show holiness. You are holy. The Lord is holy. These phrases all sound powerful and wonderful, but I honestly didn't understand what it meant to be holy. Last year, I read the entire Bible, and noticed how often God proclaimed His holiness and demanded holiness from us. Yet it still didn't click. But today, I think something is finally making sense.

I'm currently studying the book of Daniel (using Beth Moore's study as a guide), and today the discussion was all about holiness. It's not just Daniel, though. In my NIV bible, according to the concordance, there are no less than 150 separate occurrences of the word "holy" or "holiness." Obviously, God want us to get the idea of holiness.

The first instance of the idea of holiness comes in Genesis 2, verse 3. The principle of first instance states that the first time something occurs in scripture, there is something important to gleam from it. This verse is:

And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

The Hebrew word is is "qadash," meaning "to consecrate, sanctify, prepare, dedicate, be hallowed, be holy, be sanctified, be separate" (according to the KJV Old Testament Hebrew Lexicon.

In this instance, the idea of holiness, applied to the seventh day, implied a separation apart from the other 6 days. It was to be a day of rest from work, and (later in the OT) a day dedicated to the worship of God Almighty. After this first mention, over 150 times, God proclaims His holiness, demands that we be holy, or consecrates things, days, or feasts as holy to Him. They belong to Him. They are for Him alone.

The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia states that,
"In primitive Semitic usage "holiness" seems to have expressed nothing more than that ceremonial separation of an object from common use which the modern study of savage religions has rendered familiar under the name of taboo (W.R. Smith, Religion of the Semites, Lect iv). But within the Biblical sphere, with which alone we are immediately concerned, holiness attaches itself first of all, not to visible objects, but to the invisible Yahweh, and to places, seasons, things and human beings only in so far as they are associated with Him. And while the idea of ceremonial holiness runs through the Old Testament, the ethical significance which Christianity attributes to the term is never wholly absent, and gradually rises in the course of the revelation into more emphatic prominence."

In Daniel 5, Belshazzar desecrated the holy items taken from the Jewish Temple in Jerusalem and used them as part of a drunken orgy, toasting his false gods with them. That very night, God broke the great Babylonian Empire. Beth talked about the idea that the enemy wants nothing less than to make holy things unholy.

Followers of Christ are made holy through Christ. God says over and over again that we have been set apart from this world - "Be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your minds" (Romans 12:2). We are the vessels that He inhabits on this earth - no longer the temple or the ark, but in us, His children. (See 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore, honor God with your body.")

We are to act in ways that honor Him. We should never be used to honor anything other than God. Selfishness - honoring ourselves - is wrong. Sexual Immorality - honoring pleasure and immediacy - is wrong. Pride - honoring ourselves above all - is wrong. Any time that we act in a way that honors any one or thing other than God, we are acting unholy. We are not acting like those picked up and stamped by the Living God.

Holiness turns out to be in some ways a fairly simple concept. Act, think, speak in such a way that God is honored, and no other. In this, you show yourself to be His, not part of this society or this world, but a citizen of His realm. You are anointed as His when the Spirit lives within you and fills you up with Himself. You are reserved for Him for eternity.

Be holy. Stop acting like a fool of this world. Stop honoring yourself and your desires. Start bowing before your LORD, the God Almighty who never lies, never changes, and demands total righteousness. Start honoring Him with your choices - what you watch, what you read, what you say, where you go.

It's an easy concept, but so hard to do. Lord, help your children to learn how to be holy. Let us honor you in ALL things!

Unfailing love

2011-02-16T23:38:00.003-07:00

Never failing, never ending
Unmovable, unshakeable
This is the Father’s love for us

He who made the stars in heaven,
Who shaped each flower, gave it scent
Who sets up kings and removes them

The LORD Almighty is His name
His love, an everlasting love
It changes not, no matter what

Never failing, never ending
Unmovable, unshakeable
This is the Father’s love for us

He’s not a man, that He should lie
Nor son of man, changing His mind
He is the Everlasting God!

He holds us in His mighty hands
His grip secure, never lets go
We cannot be removed from them

Never failing, never ending
Unmovable, unshakeable
This is the Father’s love for us

We may not feel His hands on us
We may not hear Him whispering
Yet we know: He never leaves us

Neither life nor death can change it
Nothing on earth or in heaven
Can separate us from His love

Never failing, never ending
Unmovable, unshakeable
This is the Father’s love for us!
{Please do not copy or repost without my permission.}

I wrote this tonight while meditating on God's great love. My bible study tonight ended with Romans 8:38-39: "For I am convinced that neither life nor death, nor angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I have always loved these two verses because if there is one thing I long for, it is security. Human security fails - relationships end, loved ones die, people move on - but God's love is completely, totally unfailing.

The other verses that came to mind while writing this were:

Hebrews 3:18 - "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."

Psalm 36:7 - "How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings."

All of Job 38 (God speaks of His creative acts.)

Daniel 2:20-21 - "Praise be to the name of God forever and ever: wisdom and power are His. He changes times and seasons; He sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning."

Numbers 23:19 - "God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?"

Isaiah 40:28 - "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom."

John 10:27-29 - "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand."

Deuteronomy 31:6-8 - "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you." Then Moses called Joshua and said to him in the sight of all Israel, "Be strong and of good courage, for you must go with this people to the land which the Lord has sworn to their fathers to give them, and you shall cause them to inherit it. And the Lord, He is the one who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed."

Dear friends, remember that God's love is not human love. It is not petty. It is not conditional. It does not depend on you "deserving" it. He does not revoke it when you screw up. His love for you endures through the world's messes, your worst moments, and even utter rejection. Scripture says that God does not want any to perish, but for all to come to salvation. Even if you reject Him, He still loves you. And when life is hard, or even downright unbearable, know that His love can never be taken from you. Nothing in all creation can separate you from His love. All you have to do is receive it!

SSMT #4

2011-02-15T21:28:00.002-07:00

It's the 15th of the month, which means it's the Living Proof Siesta Scripture Memory Team time!

I must confess, I struggled all day with wondering what God would have me commit to memory. This is partly due to the fact that - again, I must confess and repent for - I had not been in scripture much the last few days. I can blame it on feeling poorly or spending time with my fiancee, but the truth is that I was being selfish and was rebelling against God. At least this time I recognized it within 4 days, and not four months!

Anyway, I was really struggling and didn't want to "just pick a verse" to study. I want the 24 verses I commit to memory to have special meaning for me. Numbers 23:19 was a reminder that God can be trusted, absolutely and completely, so everything else I memorize is trustworthy and true. Daniel 3:17-18 was a reminder that I must choose to serve and trust God even if my circumstances change, even if He does not choose to save me from a situation. Isaiah 43:19 was an expression of what God is doing with me this last year and a half - a new thing. We are being transformed into the likeness of Christ if we are growing spiritually. I need to be new! And God is taking me down new paths relationally, professionally, and emotionally.

So I wanted this fourth verse to be meaningful. Then, right around 9 o'clock, as usual, my upstairs neighbors began their nightly routine of pounding, banging, screaming, running, and otherwise shredding my nerves. As I fought the urge (and, at times, lost) to yell at the ceiling in protest, I came across Psalm 4:4.

"In your anger do not sin: when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent." ~Psalm 4:4

There you have it. Like a little megaphone in my ear: "Listen up, stupid; the best thing you can do is search your own heart and be silent. Trust me, kiddo, you have plenty to repent of in your own heart and plenty to work on. In your anger and frustration, do not sin."

It's not that feeling frustration or anger is, in itself, a sin. We could have lots of debates about whether God thinks it's right to be upset about things, but I think we'd be going in circles most of the time. The point is, God recognizes that we might get angry. We might get frustrated. After all, he created us with complex emotional responses. He's not shocked that we get upset. But feeling emotion and acting on it are two very different things.

In fact, God has a lot to say about how we should act when we are feeling less than pleased:

Numbers 14:18 - "The LORD is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion." - God is slow to anger. Believe me, if He were quick, the world would probably not be here!

Psalm 37:8 - "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil." - This is in the context of fretting over evildoers. You should not worry or get angry when you see the unrighteous prospering. God promises to deal with them. You should not give in to anger, for that leads only to evil.

Proverbs 15:1 - "A gentle anger turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." - Kinda speaks for itself, no?

Proverbs 29:11 - "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." - Again, I don't think this means that you will never "feel" angry or upset, but that you should exert self-control in light of those feelings. You can choose not to act on those feelings.

Provers 29:22 - "An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered man commits many sins."

Ephesians 4:26 - "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." - Holding on to anger - even anger that is directed toward legitimate injustices - can give way to bitterness. To self-pity. To arrogance. To the shifting of your focus from feeling anger to acting on bitterness and wrath. Therefore, we should not hold on to that anger and give the devil a way into our heart. We need to let it go and to forgive.

James 1:19-20 - "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."

We all need to be slow to anger, as God is slow to anger. I know that I get frustrated easily, and I struggle in this area. I think, though, that as we continue to practice self-control, forgiveness, and being slow to anger, Christ will transform us. As He transforms us into His likeness, I have the feeling that anger, especially over little things, will be a more rare thing in our lives.

Jesus, help me to be slow to anger like you are. Help me to focus on the areas where I need to repent rather than focus on other people's areas. Help me to exert self-control. And ultimately, help me to remember that you are ultimately in control. You alone will pass judgment, and you alone will punish those who do evil in this world. Transform my mind and my heart. You say that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. Overflow my heart with your love, my God, that I might speak love and grace to those around me. Thank you, Jesus!

In Christ Alone

2011-02-08T22:42:00.002-07:00

In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song.
This cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All, Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, who took on flesh, fullness of God in helpless babe.
This gift of love and righteousness, scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died, the wrath of God was satisfied.
For every sin on Him was laid; here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay, Light of the world by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave HE ROSE AGAIN!
And as He stands in victory, sin's curse has lost its grip on me!
For I am HIS and HE is mine; bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death. This is the power of Christ in me.
From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no schemes of man can ever pluck me from HIS hand.
Til HE returns or calls me home, hear in the power of Christ I stand.
(by Stuart Townend & Keith Getty)

I've been thinking a lot tonight. That's not always a good thing. But tonight it's been about Christ. I was reminded of God's command to boast only of Him while reading, of all things, Daniel 2.

In Daniel 2, King Nebuchadnezzar has had a dream and commanded the wise men of Babylon to both tell him what was in the dream & interpret it... or be executed. So Daniel and his friends pray all night for revelation from God. When HE gives it, they break out in praise to Him as the revealer of mysteries. Daniel goes to the king, tells him the dream and interprets it. Afterward, Nebuchadnezzar also praises God as the God of gods, Lord of kings.

As I was meditating on the praise of Daniel and ole' Nebu, I remembered two commands about boasting:

This is what the LORD says: "Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom, or the strong man of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," declares the LORD. ~Jeremiah 9:23-24

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." ~1 Corinthians 1:27-31

For a long time, I didn't really understand it. I certainly get the implication that I'm foolish. That, I heartily agree with! But what does it mean to boast of Christ? Why would I do that?

I think I'm beginning to understand. The more I learn about God, about who He is, the more I realize how hopeless I am without Him. Just a few words to describe the God of Heaven:
*holy
*awesome
*all-powerful
*righteous
*just
*merciful
*kind
*love
*judging
*truth
*life
*all-knowing

And what am I? Unholy. Completely weak. Not in any way righteous - even when I do righteous acts, are my motivations righteous? Not on my own. Unjust. Unmerciful. Unkind. Unloving. Judgmental (unfairly so). Confused. Dead. Knowing nothing.

And yet, look at what God has done - for me, of all people:

1. He, who created the entire universe with just the power of HIS word (Genesis 1:1-31, John 1:1-14), gave up the rights of being God and confined himself to the body of a tiny baby growing in a woman's womb (Philippians 2:5-8, Luke 2).

2. He spent thirty-odd years on this earth enduring everything we do (Hebrews 4:15, Matthew 4:1-11), only to be unjustly executed. In that death on that Roman torture device, He had laid on Him every sin of every person who ever will have walked the face of this earth (Romans 5:6-8, John 3:16, Philippians 2). He was cut off from the Father, condemned, abandoned, rejected (Matthew 27:46, 69-75).

3. And then - oh the glory of it! - He conquered death. HE LIVES!! (Isaiah 25:8, 1 Corinthians 15:26, 55; Revelation 1:18, Revelation 21:4, John 11:25, Acts 4:33, Romans 1:4, Job 19:25, Luke 24, Matthew 28, etc.)

4. Romans says that through Adam, sin came to all men, but through Christ, life comes to all who receive Him! (Romans 5:12-21) He serves as our intermediary, granting us access to Himself, to the Creator God (Hebrews 7:11-28, Ephesians 3:12).

5. He gives to us (Matthew 7:-12. He answers our prayers (Psalm 102:19-20). He listens. He cries with us.

6. He loves us (John 3:16, and the rest of the Bible!).

7. He saves us (Psalm 18:27, Psalm 91:3, Isaiah 38:20, Ezekiel 34:22, Daniel 3:17, Zephaniah 3:17, Zechariah 8:7, Matthew 1:21, Luke 19:10, John 3:17, 1 Timothy 1:1, John 10:9, Acts 2:21, Romans 10:9, Romans 10:13, 1 Corinthians 15:2, Ephesians 2:5, Ephesians 2:8, Titus 3:5, 2 Peter 3:9).

8. He gives us abundant life (John 10:10).

9. He prepares a home for us. He prepares His kindgom that will never be destroyed. (John 14:1-7, Revelation 21)

10. He has plans for us - plans to prosper and not to harm us (Jeremiah 29:11).

11. He will NEVER let go of those who are His (Romans 8:28-38, John 10:28)

Glorious, wonderful, awesome God!

How can we not but boast of Christ? How can we not be awed by this?

Oh, Lord, help me to never boast save in you. You are the one who gives life. You are the one who gives peace. You are the one who gave me the energy to teach today when my body had none. You alone got me through this day. Let me boast only in you and the salvation of Christ.

For it is truly in CHRIST ALONE that we have hope and are saved. Glory be!

SSMT #3

2011-02-01T20:13:00.002-07:00

I thought I'd share my third verse to memorize this year on the Living Proof Ministries Blog. My first two were these.

God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and not act? Does He promise and not fulfill? ~Numbers 23:19

Even if we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us and will deliver us from your hand, o king. But even if He does not, we want you to know, o king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up. ~Daniel 3:17-18

The first was a reminder to me that God is not a man. He won't deceive me, let me down, lie to me, or do any other despicable human trait. He is faithful, so His word is, too. The second was a reminder that God is able to save us from trouble, but I need to be willing to serve Him alone even if He does not save me. Many put it this way: sometimes God walks you through the fire rather than pull you out of it altogether.

This next verse also is special to me, because I think it sums up my entire life the last few years, and what's to come.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. ~Isaiah 43:19

So many new things God has been doing in my life and my heart:
1. Showed me so much about Himself through my read through the entire Bible.
2. Has sparked a real hunger for Him that I've never known before
3. Brought me to Scott and is preparing me to be the wife that He desires me to be
4. Leading me to new career paths (though some are, as of yet, still unknown)

I am somewhat awed by the fact that Elohim, the Creator God, who never changes, still does new things. New things in us. New things for us. New things with us. Scripture also says that His mercies are new every morning.

Lord, let me never forget to look for the new thing you are doing in me!

Minds and Hearts

2011-01-18T22:08:00.002-07:00

Something has been happening to me lately. I think it's the beginning of transformation. Not physically (though I hope that can change soon), but mentally and spiritually.

Paul told the Romans, "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." (Romans 12:1) [I don't know why, but I always remember this verse in NKJ translation. I can't say it any other way!]

I have always had trouble understanding transformation. How does it happen? What part do you have in it?

I think it's finally gotten through my thick skull - at least, one part of it, I think. The key, it seems to me, is found not in Romans but elsewhere, in verses like these:

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. ~Luke 6:45

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. ~Philippians 4:8

In the Greek, the word translated "overflow" is perisseuma - which can mean the abundance in which one delights.

This year, I have made some changes in my daily life. For one, I don't have cable tv any more. It was initially a financial decision, but the longer I'm without it, the less I miss it. While I still have movies and sometimes watch something online, I've spent far more time thinking about "things above." Between my own bible study and listening to men and women who teach the Word, I have found quite a bit of time to sit at God's feet, despite all the business of life.

I wouldn't say that I always make the time, or that I always do what I should. But I can sense a transformation. It's transforming what I care about. My priorities have shifted dramatically this year. It's transforming what I think about. It's (very slowly) transforming my speech.

God's Word is so faithful. If we delight in His word, He will bring transformation. His word does not return back void.

So I think I'm beginning to get it. We think on things that are true, noble, praiseworthy, admirable, excellent, things of God. And out of that, out of that abundance in which we delight, will come that which will please the Lord.

What is it that you delight in? What is it that you take in "in abundance," so that it's left over at the end of the day? What is the overflow that's in your heart?

Oh, Father, lead us to you that the overflow of our hearts would speak only of you!

Fellowship

2011-01-16T11:44:00.004-07:00

Fellowship. An idea that has been on my mind a lot this week.

Thousands of us around the world are still praying for Joanne because the swelling in her brain is at a dangerous and critical level. We are praying God moves miraculously in her body that we might glorify Him alone in this.

My fiancee and I are starting to look for a church home so that we have a place to serve once we're married and I move down here. This week was our second church in two weeks. The pastor at today's church taught on Acts 2:41-47. The early church devoted themselves "to the apostle's teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and prayer."

The word "fellowship" is the Greek word Koinonia, which, according to the New Testament Greek Lexicon, means:

Koinonia: fellowship, association, community, communion, joint participation, intercourse

1. the share which one has in anything, participation
2. intercourse, fellowship, intimacy
3. the right hand as a sign and pledge of fellowship (in fulfilling the apostolic office)
4. a gift jointly contributed, a collection, a contribution, as exhibiting an embodiment and proof of fellowship

I love that the original word implies intimacy - when we fellowship, we should be intimate with each other, with our Lord. It is an act that only occurs within community, and there should be mutual giving and benefits.

The pastor today reminded us that we typically think of fellowship as a horizontal relationship - something that occurs between Christians, but that it cannot be separated from our vertical relationship with Christ. The relationship with Christ - the study of the apostle's doctrine - is what creates the human relationships.

That hit home, because all too often I have lamented the quality of "fellowship," feeling it was little more than superficial socialization. But it doesn't have to be - not if we root our fellowship in Christ. If He is the reason for our meeting, the reason for our speaking, the reason for our rejoicing and boasting to each other, we attain true fellowship.

I have been experiencing fellowship in new ways lately - with my fiancee, on the LPM online community, at my current home church, and hopefully soon at a church down here where my fiancee lives. I'm reminded that fellowship isn't supposed to be about what "they" can do for "me," but how "we" can glorify God and support each other together.

May God bless our koinonia and show us how to serve Him through our relationships.

Even if...

2011-01-14T13:39:00.002-07:00

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." ~Daniel 3: 16-18

This week, I (and thousands of others) have been praying for a godly woman named Joanne. She is a wife, a mother of two daughters, a woman's ministry leader, author, and more. She only 38 years old, and her daughter found her seizing and unresponsive. She had a massive stroke, and despite immediate treatment, surgery, and additional surgery to remove part of her skull to allow room for her brain's swelling, she is in critical condition still today. She has not woken up yet, and just this hour her husband has reported that she has a fever and her heart rate and bp are not where they should be.

Thousands of us around the world have been keeping up a prayer vigil for this dear one. Praying for total healing, for protection, for her daughters' emotional well-being, for her husband's strength and comfort, for her friends and family who are devastated this week.

God alone knows if she will make it through this. HE alone knows what her physical condition will be tonight, tomorrow, a week from now, a year from now, 10 years from now. We are praying fervently for her healing. We are claiming His promises that He will heal, that the prayers of godly men bring healing to the sick.

But my mind today keeps drifting back to Daniel. When the Babylonian king, Nebuchadnezzar, was about to throw these three Hebrews into the furnace for refusing to worship the idol he set up, their answer was this: Our God can save us. But even if He doesn't, we still will serve Him.

Even if.

God can heal. He does heal. We beg Him to heal. But even if He doesn't, we will still worship Him, serve Him, love Him.

I beg you, Lord, to bring healing and restoration to Joanne and her family. And teach all of to live according to your ways even if...

Desires

2011-01-13T20:51:00.002-07:00

Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. ~Psalm 37:1-8

Delight yourself in the Lord. Delight in God.

This verse surrounded me, enveloped me, consumed me a year and a half ago. It was a Sunday morning and I had missed church due to a major migraine. I decided to spend my time in bible study even though it was very difficult to stay upright with the pain. I hit this verse and stopped completely.

What does it mean to delight yourself in God? And what does it mean that He'll give you the desires of your heart?

The Hebrew word for "delight" here is `anag. It has a variety of possible meanings according to The KJV Old Testament Hebrew Lexicon (Brown, Driver, Briggs, Gesenius Lexicon):
1. to be soft, be delicate, be dainty
2. to be delicate
3. to be of dainty habit, be pampered
4. to be happy about, take exquisite delight
5. to make merry over, make sport of

It's as if God is saying - "pamper yourself with me, make yourself merry because of me, experience total delight and joy in me, beloved!" Most of the times this word is used in the Old Testament, it is a verb - delight yourself in the Lord God. But sometimes it implies delicateness, softness, even tenderness.

The LORD - knowing Him, loving Him, accepting His love, understanding who He is and His ways - He should be our delight, our tender joy, our merriness!

How do we delight in Him? For me, delighting in the Lord began with a decision to find out who He says He is. I spent 16 months reading through the Bible and noting everything I learned about Elohim. I knew that I could only delight in Him if I knew Him - just like I can only delight in my fiancee because I spend time with him and know him more and more. It sounds trite, but perhaps it's trite because it's so true - spending time reading scripture, pondering it, studying it, praying about it - it's really the best way to get to know this Awesome God.

And when you do, you find that you can't wait to learn more, because He is so amazing. The mercy, the compassion, the righteousness, the holiness, the power, the love - all of these attributes of God are compelling. They are humbling. And they are uplifting.

I developed an almost ravenous hunger for teaching and scripture. I listened to my pastor's taped sermons as much as I could, I joined a women's bible study, I started really studying for the first time in my adult Christian life. And then a funny thing happened. I had confessed to God that I didn't understand how delighting in Him would lead to Him giving me the desires of my heart, because they were all about my human needs (or so I thought). Companionship, friendship, security, a husband, etc. I didn't get how those would be fulfilled just because I delighted in God.

But I've come to realize over this last year that getting to know God Almighty - El Shaddai - means you cannot stay the same. You cannot come face to face with the Eternal God and not be transformed. You see, the more I have come to know God, the more I delight in Him. And the more I delight in Him, the more the desires of my heart are to please Him, to know Him even better, and to live the life He has planned for me.

I'm here to tell you, my friends, that God's word never goes unfulfilled! He fulfills every single promise. For me, that fulfillment has meant a radical shift in my priorities - and my career - but it is so worth it. God is such an amazing, awe-some God. Jesus Christ is LORD!

Changes, oh the changes

2011-01-12T22:25:00.004-07:00

My life has been changing drastically over the last year and a half, and it seems only fitting that this blog does, too. The major changes in my life have been these:

1. My mom and her sister both have breast cancer. Mom has stage iv metastatic breast cancer, and she is doing well right now. Her older sister has (I think) stage II or barely stage III and is undergoing treatment but is doing well so far. Our lives will be forever changed.

2. I'm engaged to be married in June, and cannot wait. I love my fiancee, I love his family, and I am so excited about starting a new role in life as his wife. Even now, in the 3 months since he proposed, I have seen myself long to be his helper. I am just beginning to understand God's purpose in designing marriage and marital roles, and am so excited about helping my fiancee in all parts of life.

3. After my aunt's cancer diagnosis, I finally made the decision to stop the PhD. I informed my committee and the head of my department, as well as my boss at the current university. I think my advisor has disowned me, as he hasn't said one word to me in almost 7 months now. Everyone else was supportive. I truly feel that God is leading me to other paths that don't include finishing the dissertation. He kept shutting those doors and opening my heart to other desires and goals. So while I am teaching this year and have applied for a job at a community college for next year, I will no longer be a PhD candidate. I made it through comps and orals and some research, but I don't see myself ever trying to go back and finish. It just isn't my priority. All I want now is to contribute to our family's financial well-being once we're married and to take care of my soon-to-be husband and (God willing) any kids we'll have.

I'm not sure how well I'll do at keeping this up, since I seem to be bad at writing much these days, but I see this turning into something else. I really feel like I need to be talking more about the amazing God I serve and His love and instruction. So while I'll still talk about life and teaching sometimes, I'm hoping that this can become a place to consider the wonders of God's word. I just pray that God would speak through me and keep me in wisdom and understanding.

So just to start off, I'll share one of my spiritual goals this year. I have slowly been becoming part of a women's ministry called Living Proof Ministries. I've gone through two of the bible studies the ministry has put out, and they are wonderfully grounded in scripture (which makes me love them). This year, beginning January 1st, they put out a call for women to pledge to memorize 24 verses this year - two per month, on the first and 15th of each month. I immediately wanted to take part for the accountability. So here is my first verse of 2011:

"God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?" ~Numbers 23:19

I was drawn to this verse partly through having read the allegory Hinds Feet on High Places over Christmas break. The Shepherd tells Much-Afraid that He is not a man, that He should lie - He would never lie to her. She responds, "Even if you did lie to me, I would still follow you." Oh, that my heart would respond in such a way - even if you did deceive me, Lord, I can do nothing but follow you. I love you and can only choose you from this point forward!

I also wanted to start my scripture journey this year with a reminder that He is truthful, faithful, and will never deceive us. How can we trust His Word if we think He is like man - lying, deceitful, sinful? One of the first steps in really delving into the Word is acknowledging in faith that God is not a man that He could lie, nor a son of man that He could change His mind. From that starting point, Scripture is a glorious, awesome, and challenging insight into the heart of God.

1. He will not deny what He has promised.
2. He will not change the rules half-way through your life.
3. He will not forsake those who love Him.
4. He will never act in a way that contradicts what He says about Himself in scripture.

Trust in this! Even if you don't trust mankind, if you have been deceived and pained and betrayed, if you have built up so many walls not even a nuclear bomb could penetrate your defenses - know that you can trust God. He is faithful!

Oh, Lord, that we might trust you and what you say in your word, and that 2011 might be the year that we as your children finally allow your Spirit to fully dwell within us and work through us to glorify your name!

Awesome God

2010-12-16T01:30:00.002-07:00

{Oh yeah, since I haven't posted on here in forever... I'm engaged! We're to be married in my parents' church in June. I can't wait!}

So last August I decided I wanted to read through the entire Bible - verse by verse, chapter by chapter, book by book. I have never done that before, so I figured I needed to give it a greater purpose than simply "read through the Bible." So on August 21st of last year, I decided that I would read, but as I read I would take notes on anything I found that showed me who God is - His character, His desires, His hates, etc., all with scripture references.

It took me just under 16 months to read through all 66 books while doing this special project along with it. Some of the delay came from traveling this summer and getting off track for a while, but I finished it tonight (er, last night, since it's after 1 am on Thursday now) (Wed, Dec 15), at 11:30 p.m. My final file with all of my references and notes came to 62 pages. Wow! God is truly awesome. I am in awe at the things I've found out about the God I serve through this.

So this is pretty long, but it's just a small a taste of what I've learned about this Great and Awesome, Almighty God we serve:

Old Testament Thoughts (a sampling)

Genesis: He is the creator (ch 1); He is a covenant-making God (9:9-17); He sees us (16:13)

Exodus: He hears our groanings and remembers His promises (2:24); He knows men’s hearts (9:35); He shows love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments (20:6); He provides for our atonement (30:14-16)

Leviticus: He requires atonement for sin (ch 4); He is holy, and demands that His people be holy (19:2); He demands obedience because He is the LORD, YHWH, the God of Israel (chapters 22-25)

Numbers: He guides us and makes Himself visible so we would know which way to go (the cloud, fire) (9:15-17); He is never lacking in the power to do what He says He will do (11:23); He is not a man, that He should lie, or a son of man, the He should change his mind (23:19)

Deuteronomy: He is a merciful God, and will not abandon, destroy, or forget us (4:31); He, the LORD our God, the LORD is one. (6:4); He is God of gods, Lord of lords, the great God, the mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes, who defends the fatherless and widow, loves the alien (10:17-18)

Joshua: He commands us to be strong and courageous because He is with us everywhere we go (1:9); He will bring judgment as well as blessings – He does not go back on His covenants (23:15-16)

Judges: He still has compassion on His people even when they suffer because of disobedience (2:18); He is faithful even when we doubt, and He gives us what we need to obey (6:36-40); He walks us through, step by step, to overcome our fear (7:10-15)

Ruth: He provides for His people (1:6)

1 Samuel: He brings death and makes alive; brings to the grave and raises up; sends poverty and wealth; humbles and exalts; raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash (2:8); He sometimes gives us what we want, even though He does not want it for us (ch 10); He does not look at the outward appearance; He looks at Man’s heart (16:7)

2 Samuel: He has done great things for the sake of His word and according to His will (7:21); He is our shield and the horn of our salvation, our stronghold, our refuge, our savior (22:3); He shows himself faithful to the faithful; blameless to the blameless; pure to the pure (22:26-27)

1 Kings: He requires that we walk in His ways, keep His decrees/commands/laws/requirements (2:3); He came not in the wind or earthquake or fire, but in the gentle whisper (19:11-12)

2 Kings: He is longsuffering, but He will punish wickedness (17:18-20); He is enthroned between cherubim, alone is God over all kingdoms of the earth (19:15)

1 Chronicles: He remembers His covenant forever, His word for a thousand generations (16:15); He searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts (28:9); He tests the heart and is pleased with integrity (29:17)

2 Chronicles: He cannot be contained by the heavens, even the highest heavens (2:6); He will hear from heaven, forgive sin, and heal the land when His people humble themselves, pray, seek His face, and turn from their wicked ways (7:14); He is neither unjust, partial, nor does He bribe (19:7)

Ezra: He, God, is the one who moves hearts (1:5); He gives light to our eyes and relief in our bondage (9:8); He punishes less than we deserve because of our sins (9:13)

Nehemiah: He is a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love (9:17); He is just and faithful (9:33); He gives great joy (12:43)

Esther: He turns sorrow into joy and mourning into celebration (9:22)

Job: He is sovereign (1:6); He is God: to Him alone belong strength and victory (12:16); He can do all things – no plan of His can be thwarted (42:2)

Psalms: He will not abandon me to the grave, nor will He let His Holy One see decay (16:10); He is the King of glory, the LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle (24:7-8); He does not delight in sacrifice or burnt offerings, but in the broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart (51:16-17); His love is as great as the heavens are high above the earth; as far as east is from the west, he has removed our transgressions (103:11-12)

Proverbs: He is the source of knowledge and wisdom: the fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom (1:7); He disciplines those He loves, as a father the son he delights in (3:12); He detests the ways of the wicked but loves those who pursue righteousness (15:9)

Ecclesiastes: He set eternity in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end (3:11); He will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidding thing, good or evil (12:14)

Song of Solomon: He is the bridegroom and He loves the bride, His people (whole book)

Isaiah: He desires that we seek justice, encourage the oppressed, defend the fatherless, and plead for the widow (1:17); He, the Spirit of the Lord, is the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD (11:2); He, the LORD, is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom (40:28)

Jeremiah: He knew you before He formed you in the womb; before you were born He set you apart (1:5); He desires that we boast not of our own wisdom or strength or riches, but that we’d boast of our understanding and knowledge of Him, that He is the LORD who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in those He delights (9:23-24); He will never stop doing good to His people, and He will inspire them to fear Him so that they will never turn away from Him (32:40)

Lamentations: He has done what He planned; He has fulfilled His word, which He decreed long ago (2:17); He loves us – because of His great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is His faithfulness (3:22-23)

Ezekiel: He speaks what He wills, and it shall be fulfilled without delay (12:25); He does nothing without cause (14:23); He takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live (33:11)

Daniel: He is the God of gods and the Lord of kings and a revealer of mysteries (2:47); He, the Ancient of Days, will pronounce judgment in favor of the saints of the Most High (7:22); He is the great and awesome God, who keeps His covenant of love with all who love Him and obey His commands (9:4)

Hosea: He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us but He will bind up our wounds (6:1); He desires mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings (6:6); He is the LORD God Almighty, the LORD is His name of renown (12:5)

Joel: He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. (2:13); He will pour out His Spirit on all people; Israel’s sons and daughters will prophesy, their old men will dream dreams, their young men will see visions; even on His servants, both men and women, He will pour out His Spirit in those days (2:28-29)

Amos: He will judge sin (all of ch 1); He who made the Pleiades and Orion, who turns blackness into dawn and darkens day into night, who calls for the waters of the sea and pours them out over the face of the land – the LORD is His name (5:8)

Obadiah: He punishes those who attack Israel but will deliver Israel (1-17)

Jonah: He answers our calls and listens to our cries (2:2); He sees when we turn from our evil ways and has compassion upon us (3:10)

Micah: He has shown you, o man, what is good and what the LORD requires of you: to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God (6:8); He alone is God: who is like Him, who pardons sins and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance; He does not stay angry forever but delights to show mercy (7:18)

Nahum: He is a jealous and avenging God; the LORD takes vengeance and is filled with wrath (1:2); He is slow to anger and great in power; the LORD will not leave the guilty unpunished (1:3)

Habakkuk: He, the LORD, is from everlasting, the Holy One (1:12); His eyes are too pure to look on evil; He cannot tolerate wrong (1:13); He is the Sovereign LORD – He is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights (3:19)

Zephaniah: He, the LORD, is righteous – He does no wrong. Morning by morning He dispenses His justice, and every new day He does not fail (3:5); He, the LORD your God, is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing (3:17)

Haggai: He shakes the heavens and earth, the sea and dry land, and all the nations and fills His house with glory (2:7)

Zechariah: He is determined to do good again to Jerusalem and Judah (8:15); He refines His children in the fire like silver and tests them like gold; they will call on His name and He will answer them; He will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘the LORD is our God.’ (13:9)

Malachi: He has loved you (1:2); He, the LORD, does not change (3:6); He will throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it (3:10)

New Testament Thoughts (a sampling)

Matthew: He is victorious over the devil (ch 4); He knows our needs and provides for them (6:8, 25-31); He is the Christ, the Son of the Living God (16:16); He is not willing that even one be lost (18:13); He is RISEN! (28:6)

Mark: He, Jesus, is the Son of God (1:1); He came to serve and give His life as a ransom for many (10:45); He is the Christ, the Son of the Blessed One, the Son of Man who sits at the right hand of the Mighty One, who will come on the clouds of heaven (14:61-62)

Luke: He has come and has redeemed His people (1:68); He, Jesus, was annointed to preach good news to the poor, to proclaim freedom for the captives, recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, and to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor, as Isaiah predicted (4:18-21); He forgave even his executioners (23:34)

John: He was in the beginning and made all things (1:1-3); He is the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world (1:29); He grants eternal life, not condemnation, for all who hear His word and belive (5:23); He, the Son, set us free, and we are free indeed! (8:36)

Acts: He cannot be contained by death (2:24); He will not let His Holy One see decay (2:27); He does not show favoritism, but accepts men from every nation who fear Him and do what is right (10:34-35)

Romans: His gospel is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes (1:16); He presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in His blood. He did this to demonstrate His justice, because in His forbearance He had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished (3:25); His kingdom is not a matter of eating or drinking, but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit (14:17)

1 Corinthians: He chooses the foolish things of this world to shame the wise, the weak things of the world to shame the strong, the lowly things and despised things and things that are not to nullify the things that are so that none may boast before Him (1:27-29); He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts (4:5); He is not a God of disorder, but of peace (14:33)

2 Corinthians: He is the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles (1:3-4); He made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God (5:21)

Galatians: He, Christ, redeemed us in order that the blessing given to Abraham might come to the Gentiles through Christ, so that by faith we might receive the promise of the Spirit (3:14); In Him, Christ, neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love (5:6)

Ephesians: He marked us in Him (when we believed) with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession – to the praise of His glory (1:13-14); He is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by abolishing in His flesh the law with its commandments and regulations (2:14-15)

Philippians: He, Christ, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likelness (2:6-7); He, Christ, humbled Himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross (2:8)

Colossians: He is pleased when we bear fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of Him, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so we may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light (1:10-12); He, Christ, is your life, and when He appears, you will also appear with Him in glory (3:4)

1 Thessalonians: He, Jesus, rescues us from the coming wrath (1:10); His will is that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him (4:3-6)

2 Thessalonians: He, Jesus, will be revealed from heaven in blazing fire with His powerful angels (1:7); He is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one (3:3)

1 Timothy: He is our Savior and our hope (1:1); He is the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God (1:17)

2 Timothy: He, Christ, destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel (1:10); He will judge the living and the dead (4:1)

Titus: He does not lie (1:2); He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy (3:5)

Philemon: the only book that says little directly about God, other than He desires that we treat each other in love, whether free or slave, wronged or not.

Hebrews: He, Christ, is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of His being, sustaining all things by His powerful word (1:3); His word is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart (4:12); He is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised inheritance – now that He has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant (9:15)

James: He is the source of every good and perfect gift, and is the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows (1:17); His coming is near (5:8)

1 Peter: His word stands forever (1:25); He is the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls (2:25)

2 Peter: He did not spare angels when they sinned; He did not spare the ancient world when He brought the flood; He condemned the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah; He rescued Lot, a righteous man distressed by the filthy lives of lawless men – He knows how to rescue godly men from trials and to hold the unrighteous for the day of judgment, while continuing their punishment (2:4-9)

1 John: He, Jesus Christ, the Righteous One, speaks to the Father in our defense (2:1); He is love (4:8)

2 John: He desires that we love one another!

3 John: He desires that His followers do what is good (1:11)

Jude: He is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy – to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen (1:25)

Revelation: He is the First and the Last; He is the Living One; He was dead, and behold He is alive for ever and ever, and He holds the keys of death and Hades (1:17-18); His words are holy and true, and He holds the key of David – what He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open (3:7); He is worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because He was slain, and with His blood He purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation. He has made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth. (5:9-10); He speaks and out of His mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations; He will rule them with an iron sceptor, and He treads the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty (19:15); He is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End; to him who is thirsty He will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life (21:6); He is coming soon! (22:7); He is the Root and Offspring of David, the bright Morning Star (22:16)

This is just a small taste of what I've seen over the last 16 months. What a truly awesome, wonderful, fearsome, powerful God we serve. He deserves all glory and praise and honor and love.

Teaching week 1

2010-09-02T19:31:00.003-07:00

I'm not sure how well I'll keep up with this, but I want to try to write each week about what I've taught, the problem areas, and the successes, since this is my first year teaching as a professor, and not as a grad student.

World History
Monday - mainly the day to introduce the course, explain the syllabus and the massive online component, and try to prep them for what we're going to expect from them.

I spent a little time asking them what they thought world history should cover, and when/where it should start. Thankfully, I have a good 10 students who seem willing to throw out ideas, so we had a wide variety of ideas of what we are supposed to cover. I was able to take what they said and try to explain briefly the idea of scale: "Big history" (usually focusing on astronomic/galactic scales); geological scale; civilizations, etc. It wasn't a long conversation, and I tend to flounder once in a while with my word choice, but I think it was a decent introduction.

Wednesday - The basic topic of readings this week was "theories of human evolution and the Paleolithic." I know very little about both, so I spent most of the last week trying to teach myself about these topics. The book did a decent job talking about the makeup of early human societies (hunter/gatherers), so I didn't want to lecture on that.

I decided that I needed a few questions to try to answer in the lecture:
1) What do scientists/archaeologists think was the course of human development?
2) How can we know anything about the Paleolithic?

So for the first 15 minutes or so, I tried to trace the most current theories on human evolution, emphasizing that these are theories, and not set-in-stone facts. I covered the most important stages, according to archaeologists, and tried to give them some comparisons of stature, diet, time period, and tools. Some students were quite willing to fill in some of the blanks for me, since I told them outright that I am most definitely not an expert in this era. They had some great things to add - though it's very hard to hear the kids in the back!

After that, I talked more in-depth about how we know anything, so I talked about the kinds of material evidence archaeologists use to study this era. Throughout, I tried to emphasize the uncertain nature of the evidence, the fact that our interpretations keep changing as we uncover new and more understandable evidence, and that these are primarily our best guesses. Much of what scientists think now about the Paleolithic is totally different than what they thought only 50 years ago. So I tried to explain that - in any era of history - we can only make our best guesses based on the evidence we have. I also wanted them to see that we don't always have any answers, so I came across an artifact found in Africa that we have no idea how to interpret. I explained that we have no clue what it might have been for! I really wanted them to grasp the fluid nature of historical interpretation. And, based on many of their responses to some discussion questions, many of them seemed to have picked up on that. They have questioned some of the interpretations in the text, which is awesome.

Finally, I came across a Nova series that nicely tied together much of what they had read about and I had lectured about, so I ended up showing around 20 minutes of the final episode. I thought it did a nice job of giving them visual representations of life in the Paleolithic era, as well as emphasizing the uncertain nature of much of the evidence, and the questions that we still have.

To improve upon: I know I need to improve on how to respond to students when they provide interesting if irrelevant information. I tend to not know exactly how to respond. I need to work on that. I also want to work on incorporating more questions (for the students) into my lectures. This class seems at least somewhat willing to answer me, so I need to remember to encourage that as the weeks go on.

Things I liked about this week: I was happy to find that, despite the size of the class, I can still lecture the way I am most comfortable. For Wednesday, I created a powerpoint mainly so I could have images of the various evidence and theories I was discussing, but used almost no text. I had maybe 10 note cards to remind me of very specific data - dates, sizes, where evidence was found by archaeologists, etc. - but I was able to primarily just talk about the material. And my technology worked. Yay!

His 200
This is my "Historians and the Study of History" class. Tuesday I talked about the basic format of the class, the assignments, etc., and had them play a little game to learn their names. I had each person give their name and a random fact, and then the person to their left had to repeat the names/facts of everyone who came before. At the end of the class, I could name all 18 students and their facts.

Thursday - Today our primary goal was to talk about what history is, what it means, and how we approach it (broadly). I assigned two small books to use for the first half of the term, and I really liked the way they both approached these issues. So I gave my students 7 or 8 study questions that we talked about today:
1) What exactly is history?
2) Is there a difference between "history" and the "past"?
3) What does it mean that history is a process?
4) What do you think about the idea that [one author] posed, saying that historians must use their imagination while interpreting the past?
5) Where is the line between "fiction" and "history?"
6) What is the purpose of writing/doing history?
7) What were the different philosophies of history (schools of thought/approaches) that [one author] laid out for us?
8) Why do you, in particular, want to study history? What do you want to get out of studying/interpreting the past?

I was really amazed at how post-modern their answers were for many of the questions. They seem to be totally comfortable - at least in theory - with the idea of imagination, blurring the lines of fiction and history, and the possibility that you can't ever really "know" the past. I think they'll have a much easier time of studying PoMo than I did at their age! Their answers covered a wide range, though - everything from believing that history = past to history = narrative and only our imposition of a story on the past. So it will be interesting to see how they deal with the material over the course of the term.

I enjoyed listening to them answer, and while I had to call on people sometimes (and with three exceptions, I had all of their names today, though I mixed up three of my male students' names), the majority of them seemed willing to respond. A few were especially willing to reply directly to another student, which is awesome for the second day of class.

To improve upon: I definitely need to work on making conversation flow a bit more easily, but hopefully that will come as I get to know the individual students and their modus operandi. I also need to figure out how to make the material last the entire 75 minutes of class. I got close today, but I'm not actually sure how I'll stretch it out for these first weeks, when we're talking mainly about methdology and not historiography.

What I liked about this week: I'm beginning to get a rapport with many of the students, and I think the fact that I'm trying so hard to get their names right is a step in the right direction. I also managed to talk fairly well about the different schools of thought. Funny how once you start talking, you realize that those 600 books you read for comps actually did help you. :-p

So that was my week. I won't write about tomorrow, because the entire class is going to be wasted on logistics (long story that I'm too tired to explain tonight).

Anyway, here's to a new start, new students, and a wonderful year!

The Writing of History

2010-07-25T12:24:00.003-07:00

So one of the classes I've been asked to teach this fall is called "Historians and the Writing of History." The class description is ridiculously vague, and other than being told that they hope this class prepares history majors for their upper-level classes and that it should be part methodology and part historiography, everything else is at my discretion.

I've struggled for two months to make sense of this class. I've found three previous syllabi from various professors, and they are so different that they weren't very helpful. I ended up deciding to base my schedule broadly on the syllabus the head of the department created.

I'm still uncertain about readings, which is problematic, since classes begin in 30 days! Right now I'm thinking of using History: A Very Short Introduction by Arnold (part of the Oxford introduction series), and Benjamin's A Student's Guide to Writing History as basic texts for the methodology section. For the historiography... hm. I don't know yet.

My basic plan is this:
Methodology: Aug 30-Oct 14
*What is history?
*What are sources?
*Exercises: Reading secondary sources and primary sources critically
*Exercise: Using sources to help solve a problem
*Developing a research question
*Library day - work with librarians to show students how to utilize the library's resources to work on their term paper, as well as broader tools they might need as historians
*Research methods
*Reading material evidence
*Reading artistic evidence
*The importance of language in writing
*Styles of history

Historiography: Oct 19-Dec 9
*Ancient history and development of the field
*Enlightenment and "History as it really was"
*Marxism and the Dialectic
*The Annales school and the longuee duree
*Postmodernism and post-structuralism
*Exercise: language, knowledge, and power
*Post-colonialism and non-European history
*Race, class, and gender
*Exercise: Reading for race, class, and gender
*Growing fields: Environmental history
*Growing fields: Collective memory

Plus a writing day for their term paper where they must meet with me and two days to do a film analysis.

Right now, I have no idea what I want to use for readings for each day, other than the two books and an article a friend sent me on "doing history." I feel seriously stressed about figuring out the rest ASAP...

As of right now, I have basically one writing assignment per week, though many of them will be only one-page assignments:
*Secondary source reading: Find the argument!
*Judging objectivity in a secondary source
*Primary source: What does it reveal about the author?
*Primary source: judging biases
*Term paper proposal
*Primary source: reading material evidence
*Primary source: reading artistic evidence
*Secondary source: evaluating their evidence
*Secondary source: complete reviews of two sources
*Annotated bibliography for term paper
*Term paper outline
*Primary source: complete review of two primary sources for term paper
*Term paper rough draft (minimum 4 pages)
*Film analysis
*Term paper (5-8 pages)

I know it's a lot, but, again, most of these I will put a maximum page length of a page or two. It's mainly the readings that are stressing me out so far... I really need to figure this out soon! I just hope it works. :-)

Catching up and Going Nuts

2010-07-21T00:09:00.004-07:00

Wow. So I haven't been on here in months. SO much has happened. To make very long stories short(er)...

1. Mom - still not very active, though getting up and down remain at the improved level I saw back in April. Most days, she doesn't leave the bed, though sometimes Dad manages to get her out so she can get some fresh air at least. She hasn't had any tests to check the progress of her cancer since March, and won't until mid-October. She has good days, bad days, and in-between days. I'm nervous about what's happening with the cancer, since the medicine she's been on typically stops working after about a year, and the TN oncologist seems to care only about whether she has any propensity for bone fractures. So we're taking things day by day and thanking God for every day she has with us.

2. Dissertation - pretty much totally stalled. My advisor expects a chapter this month (ha!), but I honestly don't know how to do it. It's not that I haven't tried. But there is so much that I don't know, and I can't find a way to put the pieces all together. I have tried many times to talk to people about this - my advisor, another committee member, my boss this past spring, and other grad students - and everyone either dismisses my concerns as "oh, everyone feels that way, you're fine," or they think I'm just being modest in some twisted way. I have almost nothing that I can say with any sort of definite understanding. There are just too many gaps. And since I've been rejected for every grant I've applied for the last 2 years, it seems like no one else thinks my dissertation is important, either. So with no way to get to Spain to do research, and no real way to produce chapters right now, I feel like I'm at a total stand-still.

3. Job - After LOTS of soul-searching in March, April, and May, I sent in resumes to some community colleges, started looking seriously at some of the mission opportunities that were showing themselves, and then, on a whim, submitted my CV and sample syllabi (with cover letter, of course) after a notice came across our listserv that [another state U] was looking for people willing to teach online for their adjunct pool. I didn't think much of it, but then about 3 weeks later I got an email from them asking if I'd be willing to take a one year, half-time lectureship to teach 2 classes each term. The money isn't great, though it's better than anything I've ever earned in the past, but it's a great opportunity for me career-wise, especially if I can't finish the dissertation. So despite the fact that it requires me to move to the other end of the state, I said yes. So I think by the end of the week I'll officially have an apartment to move into next month, about a week before I report for work.

Oh yeah...since the end of March I've been in a relationship with an absolutely wonderful man. He's a junior-high English teacher, loves the Lord, and made me laugh for the first time in months. We went on a crazy road trip, driving from here to his folks' house in IL, then to DC to spend time with his brother & family, then to my parents' house, then to a friend's wedding in Philadelphia, then back to IL, and finally back here. Thankfully, it was an amazing trip, I love his family, and the only regret I had was that I had to be away from my church here for so long.

So that's pretty much the main things that have happened since I last wrote. *phew* My brain is addled now, so I'm signing off.

Foolish and wise

2010-04-09T22:47:00.003-07:00

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written: 'I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.'

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?

For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption." ~1 Corinthians 1:18-30

I wasn't expecting to read this passage tonight. It's just where I am in my bible-in-a-year plan.

I think God has a funny sense of humor.

My mind has been going in so many different directions. Tonight I got a call from a woman who works for a mission group that brings teachers overseas - teaching English and K-12 subjects. We talked for about half an hour. I told her I didn't know yet if it was something I am supposed to move forward with, but I'll be praying about it. About an hour later, my mind started telling me that I am totally nuts. That this is crazy, and I must be a fool.

So, of course, my reading tonight is that man's wisdom is foolishness, and that God loves to take foolish things and use them for His glory.

Now I need to go pray. :-p

Prayerful day

2010-04-08T21:09:00.003-07:00

So a number of things have happened since I wrote my last post. I wrote some letters asking for prayer support to a number of people whose support and wisdom I trust. Included in this was one of my former pastors. This morning I talked with my mom about some of the things I was thinking.

I also chatted with an old friend from college who was always sort of like my older sister. I stayed with her and her sister when I was a prospective student, and they (and their husbands) have been my good friends ever since. I trust her take on things, and her husband also went through his own crisis while in grad school. Then I went to church and met with my bible study leader and we talked and prayed for about an hour.

And, finally, when I got home, I called a dear, dear friend who walked away from traditional teaching last year to work as a full-time missionary. I knew that if anyone was going to understand, she would. And boy, did she. It turns out that our stories are almost like an exact parallel - opposite in some ways, but both going to the same outcome. It was such a blessing talking with her. She's been my friend for a decade, and I knew she'd be the right person to talk to about it.

A number of things were said today in these different conversations that I'm taking to heart, and treasuring while I wait on God for His guidance. I don't want to say what they are just yet, because I don't know which will end up being the most relevant.

To add more things to consider, two schools contacted me today inviting me to apply for history teacher positions. One is in Budapest, Hungary, and the other in Bucharest, Romania. And the first person who had written me yesterday responded to my response and wants to talk on the phone tomorrow. I said it was okay. Can't hurt to talk.

I've been asking anyone whom I trust to pray with me in this. It feels like it has in the past when God has called for a major change in my life. But, as my pastor says often, we live not according to our "experiences" or feelings, but by the living Word of God. I know that He will give me guidance. I know that He will show me what I need to do.

But I have to say, some of the possibilities have gotten me excited. For the first time in so long, I'm a little excited.

Radically foolish

2010-04-07T18:40:00.003-07:00

My mind has been going to all sorts of strange places the last few weeks. Well, not strange, I guess, unless you're one of my coworkers or professors.

The logical part of me knows this:
1. I need a good amount of grant money to go do my research in Spain.
2. I need a job to pay bills (rent, food, insurance, medicine, utilities, etc.).
3. I've been rejected for every grant I've applied to for my dissertation for the last two years.
4. My job ends in less than two months, with no obvious options.

The non-logical, spirit in me knows this:
1. No matter what I do, I am called to do it unto the Lord. Wherever He leads me, whatever I do, I need to do it for Him, with Him, through Him.
2. God works all things for the good of those whom He has called - even if to us it seems like things are falling apart.
3. He's coming back. And when He does, I want to be doing His work. I want people to know Him and love Him so they might be with Him for eternity.

Ever since I started attending my bible study, I've been feeling this small tug, this reminder of my heart for missions growing up. When I was a kid, I had a few assumptions: I'd get married shortly after college, maybe do missions for a while, and then do whatever else God had planned. Then I got to college and after 3 years realized God made me to teach. And considering that I didn't get asked out on a date until I was 25 years old, the marriage thing certainly wasn't happening. (In fact, I've only been asked out by two people. Ever. And yes, I'm trying to deal with that...)

So I spent the next 7 years in grad school. I got my MA in history and came out here for the PhD, knowing that I need the top degree if I was going to teach at the college level, which is where I'm most comfortable. It has been ridiculously hard, painful, lonely, and probably the most difficult years of my life emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I passed my exams and have done about 2 months of research in Spain.

But now... now I'm not sure that God isn't moving me somewhere else altogether. For the last year, almost every door that could possibly allow me to finish my research and still pay my bills has slammed shut. I've lost out on every grant. The economic situation in the state, university, and department is such that I can't be guaranteed any support in terms of scholarships, fellowships, or a teaching job. I spent most of the last week while sick researching online. Jobs. Missions. Both.

I don't know how to get my research so I can write. I don't know how to go away while Mom's sick. I don't know how to pay the bills. I don't know how to do anything. But suddenly I'm seriously open to the possibility of walking away from the dissertation and doing something new. I got an email today asking if I'd be interested in teaching overseas for a year. I can't say I'm not.

I'm not a quitter. I have only ever quit one job - and that was a situation where the professor was mentally unstable and was increasingly volatile and hostile toward me, even going so far as to accuse me of stealing her mail and locking herself in her office so no one would see what she was doing. I couldn't take the volatility any more and had to quit. But I don't, in general, just walk away from things.

I know that there is not one person in my department who would understand. I'm not really sure that anyone in academia would understand. The idea that I might actually walk away, at least for a time?

I don't know. I'm not saying I definitely will, but I can't ignore it if God pulls me away. I wouldn't ignore it if He tells me to stay. But, wow am I confused. For the last 7 years, my identity, my time, my entire world has been wrapped up in grad school. I'm invisible to most men, I've lost most of my friends one way or another, and some days the only way I keep going is by remembering how much I love teaching and my desire to not be a failure.

What if God's plan is for me to be radically different? Foolish in the eyes of my advisor, my colleagues, my students. But radically foolish for God?

Oh, yeah. Lots of prayer going into this, and will be...

Awesome God

2010-04-07T07:05:00.001-07:00

So I just came across a really cool scripture:

"If his sons forsake my law and do not follow my statutes, if they violate my decrees and fail to keep my commands, I will punish their sin with the rod, their iniquity with flogging; but I will not take my love from him, nor will I ever betray my faithfulness." ~Psalm 89:30-33

How awesome is it that God vows to never remove His love from us, even when we royally screw up?!

I love my God. I absolutely don't deserve His love. But how awesome that He loves you and me, and we can love Him in return?

Confusion and Uncertainty

2010-04-02T19:12:00.003-07:00

Life is very confusing right now.

I'm seeking Gods guidance. I just feel lost. My life is so uncertain, from my stupidly human point of view. I know that God isn't surprised by anything that happens, but I sure am. So my uncertainty is coming from the following:

1. Huge confusion as to what to do about Mom. She desperately wants me home, and I'm going for about 5 days later this month. It kills me to be here, it's ridiculously hard to be there. It's awful, because part of me thinks that if she's going to be here for a while - a couple of years - then perhaps it's not too bad for me to be away. But the thought that she might not be here in a year makes me feel like everything else is vanity.

2. My paychecks stop near the end of May. After that, I have nothing. No summer teaching job, uncertainty as to whether I'll have a teaching job in the fall.

3. I just got yet another in a LONG line of grant rejection letters. The continual rejection for funding makes me wonder if I'm ever going to be able to finish my dissertation. I can't write it if I can't get the research, and I can't do the research if I don't have funding to go to and live in Spain. I haven't had an outside grant in almost 3 years. So my one chance to go to Spain this summer is gone, and I have nothing for the fall, either.

4. I have had this growing feeling like I'm not doing anything to serve God. I know that serving Him doesn't have to mean full-time mission work, but I have been feeling more and more like I have been exerting ALL of my time, energy, and self to things that ultimately don't matter. I'm too exhausted from grad school to go anywhere, do anything. It's not just that I feel like my life is stalled - though I do, in some ways - but I feel like those eternal things we're to set our minds on have been pushed aside by the stress, pain, and demands of this phd program.

All of these combined have left me feeling like perhaps it's never going to happen. That perhaps it's time to move on. That maybe I need to go take care of Mom and find some new direction. The problem is I love teaching. I love it. But the PhD thing... it hasn't gotten any easier. I feel like I've been fighting for every spare penny, but I'm out of options. I don't know if maybe, for some reason I can't see or understand, God's plan isn't for me to get my phd? That maybe it's time for me to do something else?

I'm so confused. I love teaching. But I don't know how to write the dissertation, or get back to Spain. I don't know how to pay rent after the next 8 weeks. I don't know how to pretend like I care about Spain in the 1920s when Mom is dying. I don't know how to get out of this non-life - the non-life that is filled with work, loneliness, and not much else. It's no wonder guys run away from me...

I don't know who to talk to about all of this. I've been praying about it for a while now, ever since I got back from the East coast. But I want to talk to someone who will be able to understand a little. My coworkers and dissertation advisor all tend to think that the only thing that matters is the dissertation and nothing else. But my life in Christ isn't like everyone else's. Our lives in Christ have different priorities. We have Someone to direct us. I wish I could talk to someone who understood that and could help me seek His guidance.

I just feel lost. I saw last fall that perhaps I didn't get the Fulbright because I wouldn't have been able to come home to be with Mom. Now I wonder if I didn't get this most recent grant because I need to be here this summer? To be with Mom? Or for something else entirely?

I'm confused...I claim God's promise that He will give wisdom when we seek it. I know He will answer. But I still have to write this out, so at least I feel like I'm sort of "talking" to someone.

I should stop rambling. I seem to have the flu or something else equally awful-feeling. My head is a wreck tonight.

Bad week

2010-03-20T14:04:00.002-07:00

This week has been all-around awful.

1. Mom is convinced she's going to die before I come home, and told me today that she feels like her prayers aren't going anywhere and aren't effective. She also cried on the phone for about 2 hours.
2. A relationship (or potential relationship) ended.
3. I have been in serious pain all week from daily migraines (which I can't explain, since I can't pinpoint the triggers this time) and back pain, and this morning found a dental issue that can't be seen until Tuesday. It doesn't hurt, but now I'm paranoid about eating. And slightly panicked about the appointment.
4. I just got a call that a neighbor saw a guy try to break into my car early this morning.

Anything else want to come while I'm feeling miserable? There is a good chance that when I go to work on Monday, our meeting about the state budget will end with the words, "I'm sorry, but we can't hire you for next year."

So, I'm asking: is there anything else negative that wants to hit me now?

I know God is good, and He won't leave me to deal with it all alone. It's not His fault; He loves me and won't let my trust in Him be put to shame. But this last year has been almost nothing but pain. And I'm tired.

2010-03-17T23:33:00.002-07:00

Some days, I wish life didn't have to be so lonely and full of tears.

Things that are not

2010-03-16T21:43:00.001-07:00

“…the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were” (Romans 4:17)

That’s me! These two phrases perfectly reflect God’s work with me. I never thought I’d be excited about this verse, but it suddenly carries so much meaning for me.

Life to the dead - I was dead. Not just lost, not just lethargic, but dead.
*I was dead. “Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned – for before the law was given, sin was in the world.” (Romans 5:12-13)
“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.” (Ephesians 2:1-3)

I was dead in my sin. And yet God, Elohim, the creator of the universe, the One and Only, the Alpha and Omega, the holder of the keys to Death and Hades, He loved me.
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. … We love because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:10, 19)

“When we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.” (Romans 5:6)

“But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:4-10)

“For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man’s sin: the judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.” (Romans 5:15-17)

It is God’s grace and mercy alone that led to Him sending Christ to take my faults and anger and illnesses and sorrows (“Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.” ~Isaiah 53:4-6) . He took them all upon Himself, suffering for all the stupid things I have done, the anger I have succumbed to, the harsh words and evil in my heart. And he imparted righteousness to me. Me! The wretch that I am is now called righteous through faith in Christ – faith that He gave me.

My life in Him is dependent on His mercy: “It does not, therefore, depend on man’s desire or effort, but on God’s mercy.” (Romans 9:16)

Calls things that are not as though they are
How often He has called me what I, on my own, am not:
*Righteous – “But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness!” (Romans 6:17-18)

*Holy & Pure – “But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ‘Be holy, because I am holy.’ For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. Through Him you believe in God, who raised Him from the dead and glorified Him, and so your faith and hope are in God. Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.” (1 Peter 1:15-23)

*Child of God and co-heir with Christ – “The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory.” (Romans 8:16-17)

*Containing a spirit of power, love, and self discipline (“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.” ~2 Timothy 1:7)

*Useful – “Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things – and the things that are not – to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God – that is, our righteousness, holiness, and redemption.” (1 Corinthians 1:26-30)

*More than a Conqueror – “In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37)

*A teacher – which is a very long story!

*Worth saving.

Wow! Praise the LORD!

Posteriorities

2010-03-16T10:34:00.002-07:00

I learned a new word this morning. While reading David Jeremiah's Until Christ Returns: Living Faithfully Today While We Wait for Our Glorious Tomorrow, he mentioned having priorities and posteriorities. I wasn't sure the latter was a legitimate word, but the OED substantiated it.

A posteriority is "opposed to a priority," something that comes later in time, or is considered less in importance.

Dr. Jeremiah wrote that the creation of priorities necessitates relegating other things to posteriorities. If you are going to emphasize one set of actions or goals, you must diminish your emphasis on others. It made me pause and think: What am I emphasizing and what I am not emphasizing currently?

I must confess that prior to last August, my priorities were centered around work and my health. I was in my office for 40-60 hours a week, except on days when my body wouldn't cooperate. I didn't have consistent fellowship at a church, was isolated at work, and some days it was all I could do to get to work, teach, and work on my own classes. It's not that I didn't want to make my relationship with God a priority; it's just that I failed miserably.

Thank the LORD that last summer He began to change that. That un-extraordinary Sunday morning in August when He began to work in me through Psalm 37:4 marked a new beginning. Despite the fact that, on my own, I am wholly unable to make my relationship with God my biggest priority, He sparked a hunger that I can't explain and I can't satisfy apart from Him.

I can't boast at all in this, because I know that over the last 15 years, I have tried repeatedly to do hat I thought I was supposed to do. With Paul, I must say that what I want to do, I don't do, and what I don't want to do, I do. It seems that especially when I know what I should do - when I know what I want my priorities to be - I fail even worse than when I'm not particularly trying. So I know that the last 7 months haven't been about me. They've been about God and He's been doing some awesome things.

Christ said that no one comes to the Father but by Him, and that He draws all men to Himself. He has been drawing me to Him, and I am so thankful. He's slowly transforming what had been priorities into posteriorities. I still devote myself with work, but I crave those spiritual things that only He can reveal. In Acts 17:6, the Jews in Thessalonica said that the "men who had turned the whole world upside down have now come here." One of my pastors said that they had it wrong: the world is already upside down, but Christ puts it right side up. St. Augustine of Hippo also proclaimed that the way down is up (or up is down - we always said it wrong while reading his "Confessions" in college!).

I'm seeing God turn my world right side up. He's shifting my priorities, giving me a heart for Him and a strong desire to be a wife and mother and share in His ministry. These are things that I've tried to want on my own and failed. But He's reshaping me, and giving me a better heart. I know I'm still going to fail miserably at times, but how glorious it is to see God moving in your own heart!

Stories

2010-03-15T08:47:00.003-07:00

Sitting in my grandparents' house, sometimes I am amazed by the depth of history that surrounds me. I know, I know - I'm an historian, it's what I do. But, honestly, my family's history is often so much more interesting than the macro-histories that I consider daily for work. Don't get me wrong, I love both micro and macro histories. But there is something that touches my soul with personal stories that doesn't quite happen when considering larger stories like the Enlightenment in Europe in the 1700s. I tell my students that history is a collection of stories that we tell about ourselves and our ancestors that together weave together a fabric upon which our identities, values, fears, and questions can be found.

I first was introduced to this idea of history as stories in an Environmental History seminar in my doctoral program. (Why it took so long to see the field this way, I'm not sure.) The article was William Cronon's "A Place for Stories: Nature, History, and Narrative," in The Journal of American History, 78 no. 4 (March 1992): 1347-1376. In the article, Cronon describes how histories contain specific plots, and those plots are intricately connected to the kind of narrative that the historian uses to describe that plot. He says that historians

"configure the events of the past into causal sequences - stories - that order and simplify those events to give them new meanings. We do so because narrative is the chief literary form that tries to find meaning in an overwhelmingly crowded and disordered chronological reality. When we choose a plot to order our environmental histories, we give them a unity that neither nature nor the past possesses so clearly. In so doing, we move well beyond nature into the intensely human realm of value" (1349).

It's a fascinating thought. The kind of stories we tell are tied to the plot of our histories, which can be fundamentally changed by a different narrative. In my own field, this is brutally clear. The foremost story told about modern Spain is fundamentally a declension narrative. It goes something like this: After 1588 when Spain lost the armada to England's superior navy, the country began a long, steep decline from its glory days under Carlos V and Felipe II. The country embarked on a series of ill-planned wars with the Netherlands and in aid of their Hapsburg cousins in Austria, while simultaneously losing control of the wealth of the Americas. At the end of the 17th century, the Hapsburgs lost control entirely, and the French Bourbons entered the picture with Louis XIV's grandson. While the Bourbons tried to salvage the mess that was the Spanish economy and resistance to modernization, the rest of the continent embraced the Enlightenment and began patterns of industrialization, urbanization, and modernization. By the 19th century, Spain was falling behind the rest of the world: they had no Enlightenment, no rising bourgeoisie, and so no democracy, no liberalism, and no modernity. Spain thoroughly failed in holding on to its American empire - seen most dramatically when the United States kicked her out of Puerto Rico, Cuba, and the Philippines, and the nation fell into a despairing spiral of self-doubt, insecurity, and political chaos. This of course led to the horrors of the Spanish Civil War and Franco, and it was only when Franco thankfully died that Spaniards could pick up the pieces of their failed history and begin to join the rest of the First world."

The narrative - one of decline and failure - sets the stage for a long, long history that sees Spain as corrupt, inept, decidedly not modern, and unable to accept modernity. Therefore, the transition to a democratic government in 1975 is seen as a miracle, a strangely unique event that has virtually no real history in the nation at all. This narrative must express shock that Spain quickly vied for position and power in Cold War and post-Cold War Europe, becoming a key member of the European Union and in the fight against global terrorism.

But if the narrative changes, if the historian questions the decline plot and looks for a new story line, with a different starting point and ending point, the history changes dramatically. Broadening our idea of the Enlightenment so that it includes those groups who did not totally reject religion - as Jonathan Israel does in Radical Enlightenment and Richard Herr does in The Eighteenth-Century Revolution in Spain - opens up the possibility the there was an Enlightenment in Spain, albeit not the radical Enlightenment of Spinoza or the atheistic Enlightenment of Voltaire. If there was an Enlightenment, then the lack of a distinct, liberal middle class by the early 1800s cannot be attributed to the failure of Enlightenment thought, and historians must reconsider the questions they ask about that middle class. My own advisor suggests that the public sphere functioned in a particular way in Spain, due to the low literacy levels - newspapers and pamphlets were read aloud at taverns and bars, and there was an oral sphere that fostered liberal debates despite the lack of a "Republic of Letters," as Dena Goodman described it in France.

And the changes go on. By changing the plot at one point, by not adhering automatically to a declension narrative at this one point, the rest of Spanish history begins to shift. Instead of Spain being a backward country that barely is considered part of the European continent - and we have Napoleon to thank for saying that "Europe ends at the Pyrenees" - we begin to see how processes and intellectual movements enter into, work within, and are adapted by groups in Spain. We start to see not a 500-year decline, but an ebb and flow, just like in the rest of Europe, albeit with its own peculiarities and speeds.

It's completely fascinating!

Cronon's short article encouraged me to consider the plot devices my fellow Hispanists use to create the quilt that is Spanish history. But it also moved me to reconsider the way I teach my own students.

While most of my students come into their freshman history class with me expecting that history is primarily a series of dates connected to facts and names that should be memorized, they find that I am more interested in them weaving a story together. I would rather them be able to explain the overall plot - the introduction, the problem, the climax, the resolution - than necessarily remember who said "War is hell" on which date. I feel strongly that if they understand the plot, they can begin plugging in the minutia, the exact dates and the quotes and the names and battles. I want them to see that history encompasses all of human experience. If you can tell a story about it, you can tell its history.

I think that's why I love sitting in this room in my grandparents' house so much. On the wall are pictures of my grandfather's C-47 in WWII and his "Medaille de Jubile" - a medal and certificate of thanks from the French government for being part of the liberation of France. I can plug his story into the larger stories of US history, of World War II, of European history. I also see his college diploma - a testament to both his determination and the success of the GI Bill in the 1950s - and plaques of commemoration for years of service to the city of Los Angeles. I also see my family's pictures laid out, each one offering a glimpse of our rich stories. My favorite picture is one of my great grandmother, whom I never met. She was a flapper, and in the picture she is wearing a fur coat and looks more like a glamorous movie star than most movie stars. Her life was turbulent, but it is a part of my story, and I love her.

Stories are one way that we make sense of who we are. I feel honored that I get the chance to talk about these stories every day. After all, I'm just a story teller at heart!

Long time

2010-03-14T21:54:00.003-07:00

Wow, I have not been on here for a very, very long time. I suppose a few updates are in order.

Mom - She's stable for now. Her treatment has been working, though it's not gone by any means. Right now we're simply grateful for each new day that she's with us.

Dissertation - has been a bit stalled. I finished my second month in Barcelona and then returned home to spend December taking care of Mom. I'm back at home now, teaching US history (which is certainly an adventure!) and have started trying to analyze my sources and plan out my first chapter. It's been slow going, though.

God - has continued to show Himself faithful. Faithful not only in revealing His promises and His goodness, but in continually fueling my hunger for Him. Some days I feel a ravenous desire for scripture, as though I will be consumed if I don't feed on it. Each day, each verse, each chapter brings new awe at the glory of our Lord. I can't believe He is so good, when I am inherently so wretched.

I am so thankful tonight, even though it has been a very hard day. Grandma fell at church, Mom had a horrible day and never stopped crying on the phone, I had to fight through a small migraine. But I am thankful. Especially on the hard days, I am reassured by the words of the prophet Isaiah: "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of His robe filled the temple." (Is 6:1) When all looks dim and hard from my perspective, God is still on His throne. He is still the LORD, YHWH, the God of Israel and the redeemer of men. One of my pastors put it this way: God is never surprised. He's never shocked at the turn of events. Things are never out of His control.

Praise Him!

All about God, folks

2009-11-19T08:54:00.000-07:00

Some things I need to share:

1. Mom should be finishing her 10th and last radiation treatment. Well, last for now. I have no idea what to expect when she goes to the oncologist next Wednesday. I'm just praying that he gives her any good news, since I don't know how any of us will cope if she gets bad news the day before her favorite holiday. God has been good, and she hasn't had any significant side effects so far with these last 4 treatments. But it's been a long time since we had any significant good news.

2. God was especially good to me today. You see, last night I woke up after about 90 minutes of sleep feeling nauseous at 2 am. I poured a glass of 7-Up and spent most of the night reading & listening to teaching online. I didn't fall back asleep until 7, and my alarm (well, phone) went off a 8. Somewhere around 5:30 or 6, I was praying about some stuff and asked something I don't think I've ever asked before.

**You see, the fact that I slept for less than 3 hours last night would normally mean that today I'd be stuck in bed with a killer, knock-down, drag-out, plunging nails into your temple kind of migraine. The kind that doesn't go away until I sleep for a good 8 hours, so not until evening. Considering that I was sick at the start of the week and missed two archive days, I didn't want to miss another day. So while I was praying, I asked God if He would honor the fact that I had turned to Him to pass the night, rather than to other things or people, and, by honoring that, give me the ability to get to work when my alarm went off.

I was at the archive by 9:15.

I am so thankful. I couldn't afford to lose a third work day today, but He was faithful. And, as of 4:15 p.m., I have yet to have a headache. I was horribly fatigued in the archive, and didn't last much past 12:30, but I made it. I got through another box of documents.

3. I'm spending a lot of time in scripture these days. Reading. Listening to it (my church gave me a free cd with the spoken new testament - I've listened to it at least twice all the way through). Going through studies via my Tucson pastor's sermons online. I'm still working on this whole "Cast all your cares upon Him" thing. I guess He's been trying to convince me for a long time that He really is sufficient, and that when no one else is around, He will give me what I need to make it through the day. That's good. I still wish I had people to really connect with on a daily basis, but it's good to know that even in some of my darkest hours, He is faithful.

4. Speaking of reading, I started a "through the bible in a year" thing back in August. I've never made it past 2 months before. Well, I'm in to month 3 now. The way it's set up is you read 2-3 chapters in the Old Testament and one in the New each day. So far, I've read the Torah, Joshua, am about 6 chapters into Judges, and finished Matthew, Mark, and half of Luke. I think the only reason I'm sticking with it this time is because God is really drawing me to Himself. I have a somewhat insatiable hunger for Him right now.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still awfully lonely, I still am sick more often than not. But through it all, God is good. I know He's with me. And that, my friends, is amazing.

Breast cancer basics

2009-10-29T08:33:00.002-07:00

Yet another day I'm sitting in the apartment feeling like someone's beat me up. The nose isn't running, and I'm not sneezing as much. But it's all in my throat now. I've got very little voice, and the coughing fits are horrendous. They're bad enough that it's triggered a migraine. So today I have the great accomplishments of taking a shower, emailing my dad, and getting a Catalan-cuisine lunch: toast w/ 5 local cheeses and seasoned garbanzo beans w/ tomatoes, onion, and hard-boiled egg.

But while I sit here waiting for my migraine meds to kick in so I can bend over without passing out, and listen to a commentary track from LOTR, I find myself crying. Between the migraine, the frustration at having only 2 decent archive days in 8 work days, and concern for Mom and Dad, it's a hard afternoon. So to try to at least write something useful, here's another installment of cancer awareness.

Breast Cancer Basics, Part 1 (thanks to info from the American Cancer Society

1. What is breast cancer?
--A malignant tumor (cells gone wild) that grows in the breast, typically either in the lobules (glands that produce milk) or ducts (that carry milk to nipple). In men, breast cancer often occurs in the small number of ducts they have, since they have very, very few lobules.

2. Two Starting Points
--Breast cancer most often is a carcinoma: it begins in the lining layers of the breast, rather than in connective tissues (like muscles, fatty tissue, or blood vessels), which would be called sarcoma. Since both ducts and lobules are glandular tissues, breast cancer is usually considered an adenocarcinoma - cancer that starts in the glandular tissue.

3. Types of Breast Cancer
--There are multiple types of breast cancer. The least invasive kinds are in situ - either Ductal Carcinoma in Situ (DCIS) or Lobular Carcinoma in Situ (LCIS). In these, the cancer has not spread beyond the tissue of either the duct or the lobules. Some doctors see LCIS as pre-cancerous condition rather than a true cancer.
--About 80% of invasive (spreading) cancers in both males and females are Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC). Cancer starts in the ducts and spreads to the surrounding breast tissue. Invasive Lobule Carcinoma (ILC) is much less common, accounting for only 2% of male breast cancer and 10% for women.
--About 1-3% of breast cancer is Inflammatory Breast Cancer. There is no tumor, but the breasts become red, swollen, warm, and the skin becomes itchy, hard, tender, or thick and pitted.

4. How Common is Breast Cancer?
--Breast cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death for American women, behind only lung cancer.
--The American Cancer Society predicts that around 192,000 women and around 1,900 men will have been diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009.
--The ACS also predicts that around 40,000 women and 400 men will die of breast cancer this year.

5. What are the Risk Factors for Breast Cancer for Women?
--Female Gender - breast cancer is ~100 times more common in women than men
--Aging - women over the age 55 are at higher risk
--Genetics - researchers believe women who have mutations of the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes have up to an 80% chance of developing breast cancer
--Family or personal history of cancer - Women with a close family member (sister, mother, daughter) with breast cancer double their risk of developing breast cancer.
--Race - While caucasian women are more likely to get breast cancer, African American women are more likely to die of it.
--Dense breast tissue
--Some Benign breast changes
--Early menstruation or late menopause - the greater the amount of estrogen, the greater the risk
--Earlier breast radiation
--Not having children or having them after age 30 - again, they think that perhaps having more menstrual cycles means more estrogen, which means a greater risk.
--Use of HRT (hormone replacement therapy - yet again, more estrogen
--Alcohol use - women who regularly have 2-5 drinks per day have 1.5 times greater risk
--Being obese, overweight, or not exercising

6. What are the Risk Factors for Men?
--Aging
--Family history
--Genetic changes - same genes as for women - BRCA1 and BRCA2
--Klinefeler Disease - congenital disorder where men have multiple X chromosomes, and thus more estrogen
--Radiation exposure on the chest
--Heavy alcohol use
--Liver Disease - yet again, leads to hormonal fluctuation and higher estrogen levels
--Estrogen treatments
--Obesity

7. What can I do to lower my risk?
--Maintain a healthy weight
--Limit your alcohol intake
--Exercise regularly
--If you are at a higher risk due to some of the above factors, do regular self-exams and get regular exams from your doctor.
--There are other, more extensive preventive measures, but they are fairly drastic: preventive "chemoprevention," preventive mastectomies, preventive hysterectomy

More will probably follow. I feel like all I can do is try to share awareness and pray Mom becomes one of the miracle survival stories.

It's never what it seems

2009-10-22T11:18:00.003-07:00

I feel bad - I haven't updated this site. I've updated in a number of other places, but not here. I'm so sorry about that.

Here's the short story:
On Oct 12 I left for Europe, planning to spend 6 days in London, Lille (France), and Paris with two grad school friends. I had slightly unpleasant flights to London after a bit of a fiasco with KLM (thank you, Delta, for saving my butt and my luggage) and spent 2.5 days in London with a coworker from my office, M. Saw some cool things, like Phantom of the Opera, and got lots of great pictures.

On the 16th, we took a train from London to Lille, France (near the Belgian-French border) to meet up with my very, very good friend, K. He was presenting his research at a big international conference, and that was the last day. So M and I wandered around until he was done, then we met with him and one of his coworkers for dinner. The next day, K, M, and I took the train to Paris for the weekend. Together, we went to: the Rodin Museum, Sacre Coeur church, the Louvre, Notre Dame Cathedral, and the Arc de Triomphe. We also took a river tour on the Seine. And K and I got to see the Eiffel tower lit up at night from the hilly region of Montmartre as we were leaving Sacre Coeur.

On Monday morning, we all left - K for the US, M back to England (where she's doing research), and me for Spain. Flights were fine, my hostel was fine, I met my future roommate and we got along great. Then I was sick all night, and for the next two days. Fever spiked, sick to my stomach, etc. So I spent my first full day in the hostel common room waiting for E, my roommate, to get off work so I could move in, and my second day in bed in the apartment. Today was supposed to be my first day out, but my body rebelled again and left me in excruciating pain for about 4 hours. So the cats and I bonded.

Now for the important thing:
In Lille, I got a call from my parents with Mom's diagnosis. To my great and utter surprise, it is not lymphoma or multiple myeloma (which I had expected after reading up on the two of them). My mom doesn't have a blood cancer at all.

She has Stage IV, metastatic breast cancer.

I was not prepared for that.

Thankfully, K stayed up and refused to go to bed (though he was utterly fatigued) until I had gotten the call, so he held me while I sobbed... and hyperventilated... and sobbed some more.

Mom has started treatment already. She immediately began hormone therapy - so I'm guessing that means her cancer has estrogen or progesterone receptors - and today was her first round of radiation. She'll have 10 days of intense radiation, and then they'll see where they are. They hope the radiation will shrink some of the tumors in her back and give her some relief from the constant, excruciating pain she's in 24/7. But the radiologist wasn't very hopeful....

I thought I was prepared, but I wasn't. So here we are. Mom and Dad are dealing with all of this. And I'm 5,000+ miles away, supposed to be caring about what some no-name Spaniards did almost 100 years ago. I have no motivation right now. All I want to do is go home (to my parents, that is, not back to my desert, which I refer to as home).

So there we are. My roommate is very nice, her cats have already adopted me - they spent most of the day getting comfort from me during a huge rain storm - and I have seen all of about 6 blocks of Barcelona so far. And I could care less. All I want is to go be with Mom. It's going to be a very, very long 8 weeks.

Cancer awareness

2009-10-09T20:51:00.002-07:00

I have such a great urge to *do* something, to volunteer, to be an advocate, anything. And I don't know what I can do, since I'm leaving in less than 3 days. So here's me being a tiny bit of an educator:

According to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society:
* Every 4 minutes, someone in the US is diagnosed with a blood cancer: leukemia, lymphoma, or myeloma.
* That adds up to an estimated 139,860 new diagnoses in 2009. My mom's one of those.
* An estimated 53,240 blood cancer survivors will lose their fights this year. That's around 146 per day.
* Stem cell treatment is a common tool for these patients to try to spark the creation of new blood cells after chemotherapy.

Lymphoma
* An estimated 601,180 people in the US are living with lymphoma - cancer of the lymphocytes - either Hodgkin or non-Hodgkin's.
* Hodgkin lymphoma is considered one of the most treatable and "curable" of all blood cancers - with 5-year survival rates currently at around 92%.
* Hodgkin lymphoma is most common in young adults in the 20s and 30s.
* Non-Hodgkin lymphoma is actually a catch-all term for approximately 20 different kinds of lymphoma.
* Lymphoma symptoms include the swelling of a lymph node, but most other symptoms are common to many other, minor illnesses (like fever, weight loss, & weakness) and it can be difficult to realize that something is truly wrong.

Myeloma
* Myeloma is the cancer of plasma cells, and most often leads to bone deterioration.
* Myeloma is difficult to "cure," with 5-year survival rates only just recently moving up to a high of between 37-40%.
* For reasons researchers don't understand, myeloma is much more common in the African American community than any other. Males near or over age 70 have the highest incidence rates.
* Myeloma begins with damage to the DNA of one lymphocyte cell destined to create plasma. Doctors do not know what the potential causes are.
* Myeloma cells secrete a substance that triggers other cells to dissolve bone and triggers others to grow in its place.
* Myeloma patients often present with no symptoms, but bone pain is usually the first sign of any problem. [Definitely true for my mother.]

And since October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, some facts courtesy of the Susan G. Komen Foundation:
* Both men and women can get breast cancer. It is not a women's disease alone.
* In women, 85% of breast cancers begin in mammary ducts.
* The primary symptoms of breast cancer are:
--- A lump, hard knot or thickening
--- Swelling, warmth, redness or darkening
--- Change in breast size or shape
--- Dimpling or puckering of the skin
--- Itchy, scaly sore or rash on the nipple
--- Pulling in of your nipple or other parts of the breast
--- Nipple discharge that starts suddenly
--- New pain in one spot
* This year, an estimated 192,370 women and 1,910 men will have received a diagnosis of invasive breast cancer.
* This year, an estimated 40,170 women and 440 men will lose their battles with breast cancer.

Know your body. Do self-exams. Know when your body changes. Get tested. Get treated.

And support cancer research wherever possible.

Fin.

Urgent prayer

2009-10-02T14:00:00.001-07:00

My mom was just told that she has cancer in her back. Please be in prayer for her and my dad. I leave the country in a week. We're in shock...

36 and 30

2009-09-20T21:13:00.001-07:00

Not my age, nor any other significant numbers that might have crossed your mind when you glanced here.

Those two numbers represent God's faithfulness to me. His faithfulness in revealing Himself when I seek Him, in drawing near to me when I draw near to Him, in never forsaking me, even though I'm an idiot and screw up more than I get things right.

36 days ago, God began a restoration and a renovation in my life, beginning the morning of August 16th, when I opened up my bible in the kitchen since I was in too much pain to drive to church. Since then, I have been spending at least an hour every day in scripture and prayer. Sometimes much longer. Some of the initial euphoria is gone, but it still has been my daily comfort.

30 days ago, I began a journey that will hopefully take through the entire bible in a year, with the goal of seeking what God says about who He is as I go along. With the plan that I chose, I have finished Genesis and am now at Exodus 24 and Matthew 21. I also have over 3 pages (single spaced) identifying things God is showing about Himself. My hope is at the end of the year, I should have a massive file on my computer that is a passing glimpse of Christ.

I am still struggling intensely with loneliness and depression - thanks in part to the migraines that screw with my mood all the time. I'm slowly learning to cry out to God and to "cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7).

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13)

"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." (James 4:8)

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deut 31:6)

"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever--the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." (John 14:15-18)

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." (2 Cor 1:3-5)

"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight." (Psalms 119:76-77)

Invisible Chronic Illness: Turning the Tables

2009-09-15T05:51:00.001-07:00

For most of my life, I've been the one with the invisible illnesses in my immediate family. My dad also deals with invisible symptoms, but when it comes to pain, I've held the monopoly in our 4-person family. That is, until four months ago.

While I was abroad doing dissertation research in May, I got an email from my dad saying that something had happened to my mother and she was in severe pain for an unknown reason. After a number of weeks and multiple doctor's and ER visits, she was finally diagnosed with sciatica - a very painful inflammation of the sciatic nerve, leading to burning pain in the lower back, buttocks, and legs. By the time they determined what it was, she was almost 100% immobile. Dad had to pack an ice chest with everything she needed while he was at work every day, and she couldn't walk across the room to go to the bathroom without help.

The doctors kept giving her pain meds and telling her that it would improve with time. Four months later, she still has virtually no mobility, won't walk without a walker or canes, and is in a severe depression. She's on meds, in physical therapy, but things aren't going well. This morning I was awakened after only 3.5 hours of sleep by a phone call from my dad, who was at his rope's end.

I must admit - being on the other side of the table is strange. My mother has never been sick in her life, beyond the occasional allergy flare-up or headache. It's strange being the helpless one, the one who wishes more than anything that they could take the pain on themselves to spare their loved one. It's given me the utmost respect for caregivers - those who, for years or decades, do whatever they can for their hurting loved one.

From our very limited experience, here's what I've learned about being a caregiver:

1. It's hard. Probably the hardest thing anyone could ever do. You have to be strong when you want to collapse. You have to be compassionate even when you are frustrated.

2. It's a true labor of love. If you don't truly, honestly, deeply, unconditionally love the person who is in pain, with a God-given love, I don't know how you will ever survive. But that love gives you strength when you both are weak, hope when you both want to despair, and joy in the worst of circumstances.

3. Caregivers need just as much care as their ill family members. We often forget that these people give 200% of themselves in being caregivers. They need support, too. Depending on how bad things are, they might need even more support than the person who is ill.

Celebrate the caregivers you know. Be there for them - offer to run errands, or give them time to rest by being there for their cared-for one. Be understanding when they're having bad days, or when they give in to despair once in a while. Let them know that they are loved for who they are. Pray for them constantly.

Care for the caregivers as they care for others.

Joy in invisible illness

2009-09-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

Over a period of ten years, from the time I was 14 until I was 24, I was repeatedly told that I had chronic illnesses or chronic pain that could never be "fixed" and would most likely be with me until the day I die. First it was learning of the structural problems with my ankles (7 different structural issues), then my knees (5 structural problems there), then the "loose joints" that leave me with chronic tendonitis in all of my major joints, then the 24/7 allergies and chronic sinusitus that, thanks to genetics, doesn't respond to treatment, and finally chronic migraine disorder.

I'd be lying if I said that all of these piled on each other didn't leave me feeling hopeless and depressed. Many nights I would cry myself to sleep, not sure I could handle all of the stress that came with these things on top of all the regular stress of life, especially with grad school and teaching thrown in the mix.

Especially after being diagnosed with chronic migraines - where, without preventive and abortive meds, I was in constant pain for weeks on end - I had to learn how to find joy through the pain. So here's my list of things that bring me joy - because chronic illness doesn't mean we have to lose our joy. It might dampen it once in a while, but we don't have to lose joy.

1. My faith - bar none, my joy comes from God. He gives us joy in abundance, because He loves us with an everlasting love. Without Christ, I'd be so lost, I don't think I'd ever recover.
The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.~Psalm 126:3
Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. ~Psalm 94:17-19

2. Music - on days that I feel great, singing and playing music on the piano or guitar are great sources of joy. But even when I'm at my worst, and I can't function at all, I listen to music. I take comfort in the beauty of the notes, in the passion of the lyrics, and let it move my soul. Some of the artists whose work is comforting to me, either because of the sound or the lyrics, are:
*Loreena McKennitt - her music is soulful and often quiet, and I love the international flavor
*Alison Krauss - the part of me that is amazed by bluegrass music loves her fiddle playing, but her lyrics are also often contemplative, which is often what I want when I'm feeling badly.
*Randy Travis - I am head-over-heels in love with good baritone and bass voices, and so I could care less what he sings about, just as long as he goes low. :-)
*Jaci Velazquez and Legado - the latter a Christian latina duet I found in the mid-90s, this gives me my Spanish kick, but both are primarily about worshiping God.
*Michael W. Smith - his worship music is some of my favorite, for it's always annointed.
*Gin Blossoms - my friend Kevin gave me their cd from the mid-80s, and I love it. A little rock, but not so hard that it hurts my head.
*Sarah Bareilles - silly pop music, but I love the piano arrangements she has, with just the right amount of attitude for when I'm a little annoyed at my body.
*And most of my Broadway soundtracks, Lord of the Rings soundtracks, and any other worship music I own.

3. My friends - I don't have many close friends, but those who have stuck by me, through the depression and the pain, are pure blessings. Even if I can't spend as much time with them as I'd like, I treasure any time I do get to be with them.

4. Cuddling with my cat - sounds silly, but I have such a skittish cat, and he's so stand-offish with everyone else in the world that just the fact that I can cuddle with him and that he sleeps against my leg every night brings me untold joy. It's nice knowing that this little creature trusts me completely. And his purrs can make even the worst day better.

5. Cycling - I never thought, with all of my health problems, that I'd be able to engage in any sort of strenuous exercise. But almost a year and a half ago, I bought a bike and was determined to become a bike commuter so I could escape public transportation every day. It took a lot of effort, and a lot of practice to figure out how much my head could handle, but after a year, I have biked well over 1,000 miles. When I'm biking, especially for recreational rides on the weekends, I feel free. Other than when I'm singing or playing piano, it's probably the only time that I don't feel like I'm living with chronic illness. I feel almost normal for the time I'm on the bike. It's been one of the biggest blessings in my life.

6. Writing - Whether on my blog or in a private journal, I've found that one of the best ways to move through the pain is to write. Sometimes it's just saying how I feel. Sometimes it's writing poetry or songs. Whichever it is, it helps me to name the bad stuff and the good stuff so I can celebrate when the good things happen.

7. Cooking - I don't always feel well enough to cook, and I confess that I rely on fast food probably too much - hazards of living alone and dealing with tons of stress and pain. But on the days that I do feel good, I absolutely love to cook. I rarely use recipes, and prefer to just experiment. My ultimate joy comes from when I feel good enough to cook for someone else. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I am so incredibly happy.

8. Sunsets - Living in the desert, we have amazing sunsets. Even on my worst days, the desert twilight is enough to make me get out of bed, with ice pack on my head, and stare out the window. To me, sunsets are like a small glimpse of the glory of God.

All of these are just part of the little things that I can sometimes overlook when things are bad. But they all are sources of great joy. Over the past 14 years, I think one of the greatest lessons I've learned is to let yourself revel in the little things. Even if they seem tiny to you (or to someone else), every joy is a victory.

To end this very long post, a poem I wrote in the midst of pain:
There is beauty in the world
~Can you see past the ugliness?
There is joy in the world
~Can you feel past the pain?
There is love to be given
~Can you receive it through your hurts?

I want to see beauty, feel joy, experience love
And yet something holds me back
The pain washes over me like a flood
And my heart shatters once again

How do you move beyond the pain?
How do you see past the ugliness?
How do you feel when it hurts so much?

There is beauty, joy, and love in the world.
Can you see it?

30 Things About My Invisible Illness

2009-09-13T08:03:00.004-07:00

Teri Robert of MyMigraineConnection had recently posted this on her blog, From Teri's Keyboard, and asked all of us who follow her to participate.

Here's what Teri said on her blog:
Anyone who has Migraine disease or another headache disorder knows what it's like to live with an invisible illness. People can't see our illness. There are no outward signs. No physical scars, canes, wheel chairs, or any of the other outward signs that can alert people that a person is living with an illness.

Invisible illnesses are easy for "healthy" people to ignore. Unfortunately, so are the difficulties of those who live with these diseases. This adds to the burden of disease and makes lives even more difficult.

Each year, National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week is observed to educate the public and raise awareness about invisible illnesses. One of the blogging activities this year is a "meme," 30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know.

So here we go:

1. The illness I live with is: Migraine disorder (including Chronic Migraine and Migraine Without Aura), migraine-related vertigo, chronic allergies and sinusitus, and multi-joint chronic tendonitis. Thanks to the migraine disorder, I struggle with depression - yay, mood fluctuations. This meme will focus on the migraine disorder.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2005

3. But I had symptoms since: At least since college, maybe earlier; I always thought I just had really bad sinus headaches. It was only when I collapsed at work at my MA program that they diagnosed me with migraines.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: having to say no to things and people I really want to say yes to because I'm in too much pain, or the environment has too many triggers.

5. Most people assume: that I "just have headaches," and I must not be doing enough for them because I'm in pain so often.

6. The hardest part about mornings is: eating breakfast. I'm often nauseous first thing in the morning, no matter how I feel the rest of the day.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: ? I've watched House occasionally.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: probably my computer. I've lived for a months without a phone, but I'd go nuts without a computer.

9. The hardest part about nights is: the dizziness, especially while laying down, and the inability to get into a comfortable position for my back/neck/head, which means I'm usually in a lot of pain when I am trying to sleep.

10. Each day I take: at least two medicines, sometimes up to five.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: am open to them, though some are out-of-reach in price. I relied on massage therapy for three months to survive my doctoral exams. And I pray a lot - not quite meditation, but it does help to calm down and not tense up so much.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Probably visible, so I wouldn't feel like people thought I was exaggerating or faking half the time.

13. Regarding working and career: It's hard a lot of times, but working is one of the ways (along with playing piano or guitar and singing) that I get to take my mind off of health issues for once. I've gone to class, taught class, graded exams and papers all with full migraine attacks. Teaching is my passion, and I'd do most anything to keep doing it, no matter how I feel.

14. People would be surprised to know: that I have pain of some sort every single day, and don't remember what it's like to wake up without something not working correctly.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: the realization that there is no cure, apart from God's miraculous hand.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: get through my 2-week marathon of PhD written exams.

17. The commercials about my illness: are ridiculous, and partly the reason why everyone assumes a migraine is just a headache that you can't handle, rather than a complete genetic neurological disorder with multiple stages and more symptoms and triggers than you can imagine, and that can actually get ten times worse if you just throw painkillers at it.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: the ability to be spontaneous.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: going to do things with friends late at night. I get worse in the evenings.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Hm. I guess guitar is new. And blogging was new at diagnosis, too.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: go cycling and hiking in my desert without worrying about the heat, the sun, dehydration, fatigue, or pain, and enjoy being with my friends.

22. My illness has taught me: to be sensitive to other people's pain, especially when they "look fine."

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "No word from the doctors yet? Why haven't they fixed it?" I know they mean well, but, in reality, for people with chronic migraine, I'm actually doing extremely well. I don't have to go get rescue meds at the ER every month - in fact, I've only been to the ER for migraine once, and that was when they diagnosed me. I don't have to take really high dosages of our meds like some that I know. I'm not at home on disability- I can still work. I haven't been discriminated against at work, or laid off because of my health. For us, I'm in the top percentile.

24. But I love it when people: give a simple hug. Some days that is more powerful than any words.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:37-39

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: There is hope. You don't have to die inside; you can still enjoy life. Educate yourself as much as possible, and do what you can. You're going to have really awful days, but you'll have bright spots, too. Enjoy every moment you can.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: the isolation.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: sitting with me until I fell asleep when things were awful.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I have the ability to speak, and many who live with invisible illnesses don't.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: like people will soon truly educate themselves about these kinds of illnesses, and that maybe my friends who are much worse off than I am will receive more compassion and understanding as a result.

2009-09-04T19:33:00.001-07:00

I feel like I'm on a very tall roller coaster lately. I have experienced intense highs, and just as intense lows. Some days, they come within 30 minutes of each other. I'm very slowly learning how to deal with the lows. I have been taking refuge in scripture and singing when things get bad.

I'm seeing God's faithfulness daily. He's teaching me more about myself each day, and about Himself as well. Some of it has been a bit hard to take, but I know it's good for me. I've also had the joy of seeing Him use me for someone else's joy this week. I had forgotten how that felt.

Tonight, I sing with the psalmist:

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord: "O Lord, save me!"
The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.
For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living.
I believed; therefore I said, "I am greatly afflicted."
And in my dismay I said, "All men are liars."
How can I repay the LORD for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people.
Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.
O Lord, truly I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant; you have freed me from my chains.
I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the Lord-- in your midst, O Jerusalem. Praise the Lord.

Dissertation talk

2009-08-29T18:54:00.003-07:00

I might be radically changing my dissertation. I might be crazy. The two are only tangentially related.

The original idea: looking at Spain's two major world's fairs (1888 in Barcelona, and 1929 in both Barcelona and Sevilla) to see how they were defining and creating images of Spain as modern, with the hopes of seeing how these definitions were played out in urban transformations after these fairs.

The problems: This is an overwhelming amount of work, especially since I don't have grants and have extremely limited time to be in Spain. I have no idea how to do this, especially given the HUGE amounts of material in even one collection - and this would require pouring through no less than 5 collections: 3 expositions and two cities' urbanization activities. I cannot seem to get a good handle on modernity that doesn't sound like I'm just parroting some awful theorist who doesn't make sense.

There are more issues, but those are the ones that made me most nervous. So I was doing a bit of research on Thursday, looking at some related dissertations. I started reading one on urban spaces, cosmopolitanism and the Jazz Age in Spain. The author made very strong claims about Primo de Rivera, but never cited anything. It made me start thinking about the Primo Regime, my sources (thus far), and how much I had been struggling to come up with a narrative structure (or, outline, as some call it) for the dissertation. As I started thinking, a new idea came. I started writing out the changes it would mean, the problems I saw with it, the benefits it held, the questions it would ask, the sources it could use, everything. And by 6p.m., I had a 7-chapter basic outline.

The new idea:
1. Drop the 1888 exposition except to use in the first narrative chapter as a discussion of the exposition in Spain, and precedent. Instead, I'd focus solely on the 1929 Joint Exposition. From my previous research, I know that the planning for these expositions began around 20 years earlier (1910 for Sevilla).
2. The main focus, then, would be on the competing visions of the expositions - and thus visions of Spain - put forth by the committees of the two expositions. But it would also consider how these interacted with and contested the vision issued by dictator Primo de Rivera (after he came to power in 1923), and perhaps by visions put forth by the public press.
3. The primary questions would still deal with the construction of Spain, but it would be placed in the context of the local-national negotiation of ideas. It would question the nature of the relationship of the dictatorship with these two expositions, and, by extension, with these two regions - Andalucia, his home, and Catalonia, the up-and-coming industrial center of Spain.
4. It would still also question how these two very different regions - differing in culture, history, language, economy, and politics - created connections and worked together to ultimately create a joint exposition to present the best of Spain to the world.

As I said, within hours, I had a basic dissertation outline, complete with at least some ideas of where I could use certain kinds of sources, and what I'd be looking for in each chapter. I sent the idea and outline to my advisor, with the hopes that we can talk on the phone after he's looked it over and thought about it a bit. I really hope he's on board. I think my other committee members might be a bit confused... and a bit disappointed at what I'm cutting out. I'm hoping that he can get everyone on board and excited for me.

We'll see. I've been really excited, though. I hope it works!!!

Working in my heart

2009-08-25T19:37:00.001-07:00

Today was kind of a cruddy day, up until about 7 p.m. Again, long story, involving family stuff, grocery shopping, an over-zealous, psychotic advisor, a migraine, and somehow screwing up cooking pancakes (that were supposed to be dinner, but were a train wreck).

But after dinner, I was in Google Reader, catching up on the blogs I follow (mainly those of friends, but some re: migraine stuff, some church stuff). I was reading the blog run by Beth Moore - a teacher and writer of amazing bible studies - and her daughters. [I have the chance to attend a simulcast of one of her conferences this weekend - she'll be in Green Bay, and over 700 locations will receive the live broadcast. I am so excited! Friday night and Saturday morning will be filled with worship and teaching.] So the cool part. One of her daughters had posted an update about the simulcast, including a very dorky promo video Beth did (complete in cheesehead). At the end of the post, she had a p.s. that said Beth had told her that she'll be teaching on Psalm 37.

So why is that a big deal? Well, 10 days ago, when this renewal of my spirit began, one of the first verses that started really working in me was Psalms 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

It was this that made me take a serious look at my desires, my priorities, and decide that they had to change. Not because of the promise at the end, but because I know that my priorities were skewed. I felt so overwhelmed by the desire to change, that I went and bought a journal to try (again) to be consistent with journaling what God was teaching me. On the front of the book is Psalms 37:4. And now, at the end of two weeks of commitment and study, I'm going to get to hear one of the most amazing bible teachers I've ever heard teach on this scripture.

I have no doubt that this verse is becoming a heart verse - one that, in the darkest of times, brings comfort. Two others for me are Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"; and Romans 8:38-39, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Nothing to do with the dissertation at all

2009-08-19T23:17:00.001-07:00

This week, I've rediscovered a hunger I haven't felt in a terribly long time.

Sunday morning, I was in a bit too much pain to go to church, but I got out my bible and spent some time reading. I started a bible study on the book of Esther, and ended up spending about an hour studying, pondering, and praying. And it was glorious. Monday morning, I got up, went to the kitchen table, and did it again. And I did it again on Tuesday and again today.

I know, I know - four days is not much to rejoice over. I've had migraines almost that long. But I am rejoicing. It's like someone opened up my heart and things are pouring into it, out of it, through it. Well, upon looking at that last sentence, it's not "like" that - it *is* that. God opened up my heart and is pouring himself into it and I am overwhelmed.

I never quite understood that part of the beatitudes that said, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled." Or when Christ said that he is the bread, or living water. I'm all for metaphors, but I didn't ever get it. I think this week, I can say I know what it feels like to hunger and thirst - not for food, but for the presence of God. I've been ravenous.

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." ~Psalm 34:8

I haven't done anything on my dissertation this week, and I'm sure my advisor is getting anxious because I haven't sent him anything substantial. But for the first time in... well, honestly, I can't remember how the last time... I am taking time to work on me - me and God. I'm not being unproductive because I don't feel well; I'm actually taking a break to feed that part of me that has been slightly dead for a long time. I've had hints of it over the past few months, but this is by far the most profound desire I have ever felt.

I know it probably won't last - at least, not in this ravenous stage. But I want to enjoy it while I can. The past two days, I've felt like I have been in a semi-constant state of prayer. I've been reading a great deal. Just not about work. I've read 2.5 books since last Wednesday, because I crave their teachings.

"Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." ~John 6:35

"The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life." ~Revelations 22:17

I am thirsty, truly thirsty. And you know what? It's wonderful.

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." ~Psalms 37:4-6

Sevilla, far too much to say

2009-05-29T08:16:00.004-07:00

The city:
1. Is gorgeous. It's modern and ancient, crowded and spread out, lost in time and plunging into the future all at the same time. It's glorious.

2. Is filled with Americans. I don't remember hearing English very much when I lived in Madrid; here, you're surrounded by it (as well as German, I've found). It can be a bit unsettling, when you are deep in Spanish thought only to be interrupted by a lovely southern drawl saying, "I wunder what they cawal thayat?" :-)

3. Is relaxed. In Madrid, I always felt like I had to be somewhere; here, though I have far less time to work, the culture is much more laid back. It likes resting. It also appreciates the notion of eating helado (ice cream) for lunch and dinner (sometimes with nothing else!). I appreciate that!

4. Is communal. Don't believe me? Go check out Plaza Alfalfa around 8p.m. any night of the week. Or Plaza del Salvador around lunch time, especially on a Sunday. These people *get* the idea of community. Maybe that's why they have so many plazas - yes, they're pretty, but they - as well as all the sidewalk tables are partly designed for people to be with each other. Isolation is seen as a strange thing here. You go to a restaurant alone? Go to the bar; at least then you'll be next to others who are alone. You really want to see the community, watch a funeral procession. I did. It cuts straight to your emotional core. It involves the entire community - it can't not.

5. Has bells ringing constantly. This is partly because there is a mass going on pretty much every hour, because there is a Catholic church on almost every other street. And before every misa, you'll hear their bells ring a good 20-40 times. The church I tried to go to rang its bell 41 times to announce the beginning of mass. Then, of course, it had to ring the bells for the hour.

6. Has captured part of my heart, yo creo. I've been here for only 11 days, and already I know it very well. Twice I have been mistaken either for a local or for someone who has been here often. I think my heart will be here for a little while...

The worst part of hostel life:

1. Obnoxious roommates - the ones who come in at 3 a.m., turn the lights on, TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS!!!, slam the doors, eat, and talk without regard to the fact that you have been sleeping for three hours at that point. And then leave the room a certified disaster area later in the day.
2. Flooding showers - due to the fact that some roommates cannot figure out how to use handheld shower heads, my room has been flooded at least 5 times since I got here. I'm a little tired of mopping up after them.
3. Bad hostel songs. I've been keeping a list. So far, the worst offenders have been:
*Hungry Eyes (at least twice)
*It Must Have Been Love (but it's over now)
*Maneater
*All Girls Just Want to Have Fun
*I'll Be There for You (the song used as the theme from Friends - and I didn't even watch that show!)
*The Show Must Go On - very bombastic version
*Rod Stewart, Have You Ever Seen the Rain?
*Madonna - Like a Virgin
*Ska version of Don't You Want Me, Baby?
*Reggae version of I Got You, Babe
*Reggae version of Come on, Baby, Light My Fire

The best part of hostel life: Meeting interesting people, such as:
*Guy from US who runs a hostel in Portugal and was here doing research on management
*German woman who came to Spain to work a horse farm in Cadiz for 3 months before starting PT training back home - we saw flamenco together.
*Austrian woman working as an Au Pair for a very rich Spanish family at their hacienda
*A Brazilian historian and a British historian, both working on the 16th century, using the Archivo de Indias
*Junior from Penn St. here to do a study abroad before returning home to finish her studies in Speech/Language Pathology - we went to the Catedral together.
*German woman doing language studies in Valencia here on vacation
*Two Argentineans with whom I watched the Barcelona-Manchester United futbol match
*Three women travelling together - one from Greece, one from Romania, and one from France, though I've no idea how they all met
*Two college kids from TN (though they go to college on the West coast) who just borrowed my Mac plug since they didn't bring a proper adapter for theirs)

My favorite archive tidbits:
*Constantly having to write the name "Mr. Cow-face" (translated) in documents and not laugh.
*Reading the heated exchanges in the press when a reporter dared insult a member of the Exposition Committee; their exchanges went on for a good month!
*Reading these awfully written letters from manufacturing companies in the US to the Expo Committee in 1911; their grammar, in English, was worse than most of the Spaniards. And these were Americans writing to offer their services! My favorite was Avery & Co. offering the use of their "Dump Spreading Car" that would assuredly "give satisfaction." Ay!

My favorite moments in the past 11 days
1. Biking across the Puente de Isabel II into Triana, and viewing Sevilla from the other side of the river
2. The view of the city from the top of La Giralda
3. Sitting in Plaza del Salvador on Sunday afternoon, just enjoying the crowd and watching little kids teaching their little brother Fabio how to throw a ball
4. Looking out from the second story of Plaza de España and taking in the view
5. Sitting in Parque Maria Luisa and listening to the birds, the fountains, and nothing else
6. Standing in awe of Francisco de Zurburán in the Renaissance hall at the Museo de Bellas Artes
7. Wandering through Barrio Santa Cruz without a map, and not caring where I was
8. Accidentally ending up in the Jardines de Murillo during that wandering adventure!
9. Listening to flamenco, for free, at an awesome club at 11p.m. at night with my German roommate
10. Wandering into a fairly well hidden plaza by the Catedral where, during the week, they sell goods made by the convent
11. Eating helado in Plaza Cristos Burgos and watching the little kids play on the playground
12. Finding the coolest book ever for my friend Adam at the bookstore, Beta - a book in Spanish on Rome, Carthage, Iberians, and Celt-iberians: War in the Peninsula (he studies the Roman empire and warfare, and wants to look into Iberian warfare)

Tomorrow I'm going to try to make it out to Italica, out in Santiponce - this was the old Roman city where Hadrian & Trajan were born. Supposedly, you can tramp around the ruins of the ampitheatre that held like 25,000 people. I'm going to try to take tons of photos for Adam. Woot!

So, after almost two weeks, that is how I feel about Sevilla. Four more proper days in Sevilla, then I travel to Madrid on Wednesday, and then it's the long trip home on Thursday.
Fin.

A Plan?

2009-05-11T12:23:00.002-07:00

I might have a plan for the rest of the year. I'm not sure that I'm entirely happy with it, but it looks to be one of the only logical answers. So here goes:

May 17th - head to Sevilla, Spain, for 19 days to do research at the Archivo Municipal, and try to get as much as I can done

June 4th - head back to the US

June 8th - teach my summer course

July 11th - turn in final grades for summer course

July 31st - move out of my apartment (hopefully with help), put most belongings in storage here in town, and drive East to my parents' house

August - live at my folks' house, hopefully doing at least part-time work somewhere, and doing dissertation research (either secondary sources or analyzing whatever I get from this upcoming trip), and prep for heading back

September - head back to Spain, hopefully to Barcelona, for as much of the 90 days my visa will allow, as long as my money holds up. Do research at the Arxiu Administratiu and other sites around the city

December - back to the East coast, perhaps offering an online class during winter session, if I can design one and my department thinks it's a good idea

January - ideally: head back West to Home, find a new apartment, and hopefully have a teaching position in the department for the spring semester. Work on analyzing sources from research trip, working with my committee and figuring out what I still need. And, of course, begging for more money from people.

Sometime in the late spring - head back to Spain to do more research.

Academic year 2010-2011 - hopefully find some sort of funding, and write the dissertation here in town

Spring 2011 - hopefully graduate, and find a job.

That's the plan. I am not thrilled with the idea of being away from home for 5 months, esp since I don't have any support system back East. Most of my college friends are not still in that area, and my parents' house hasn't been "home" for 10 years. The pros to this plan are: 1) not having to pay rent in August and December, though I'll be paying for storage here; 2) my folks are working away from their house, so it is possible me and my cat would have the run of the house for a while, so I'd actually have some privacy; 3) I wouldn't have to send my cat on a plane back East, and I could plan my flights to/from Spain from the East coast, cutting out most of a day's worth of travel like when I have to fly from current Home; 4) My parents' house is available, and I'd have my own car.

The cons are the isolation, especially from my church here, my bible study, and the couple of friends I spend time with. But it seems like the only logical solution. I don't have a paycheck after July 12th, and so I can't afford to pay rent for a month or two without income. I can't get another job for a month, knowing I'd be leaving. And this way, hopefully someone can come out and help me pack up the apartment so I can move out. My hope is that I could then come back after Christmas and find a decent apartment for January, before the undergrads come back.

I'm not sure if I like the plan, but it seems logical.

ABD

2009-04-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

ABD. Three letters. Just three letters. Three measly letters that mean *so* much.

Over a year and a half of readings for comps.
Four years of doctoral studies.
Six years of graduate work - including a Master's Thesis.
Ten years of undergraduate and graduate work.
Twenty-two and a half years of being a student.

And more prayer, tears, stress, and doubt than I ever thought possible.

But ABD now belongs after my name. I had my PhD oral exams today. Three hours with five professors in one small room. I had no idea what to expect, or how to prepare, and so... I didn't. Last night I made K go get ice cream with me after my advisor told me I wasn't allowed to study. :-) The only thing I did was skim over my written exams this morning once I got to work. And prayed a lot.

It was actually enjoyable. I had a few times where I honestly had no idea what to say, and floundered on a few questions, but overall it was fairly easy to answer their questions. One of the other profs in the department, Dr. M (whom I love; it's hard not to love her, honestly) had seen me before and after the orals, and said she was impressed with how calm I had been. (So not like me normally... I can only speculate that all the prayers I had coming my way were being answered.)

After the three hours, they signed everything, my advisor gave me a huge hug, and we went to lunch. And I got at least two more hugs. :-)

And, finally, I am ABD. It feels kind of good.

Uncertainty

2009-04-16T10:18:00.002-07:00

I have finally finished grading all of my students' papers and midterms. In fact, despite the fact that I was out of commission for 2.5 weeks taking my written doctoral exams, I have finished grading exams ahead of 3 of my coworkers. Hm.

Anyway, today I'm taking the day off from work. The only thing I need to do is plan for my class tomorrow, but I needed a day away from the office. Unfortunately, by 8 a.m. I was already fretting over finances and the future. This next year after June is all completely uncertain right now. Here's what I know:

1. My lease is up at the end of June.
2. My paychecks stop as of the middle of July, once my summer course is over.
3. I have no grants so far and need to fund dissertation research in Spain on my own.
4. The likelihood of getting any substantial support from my university is slim to none.

I have estimated the likely costs that I'll incur over the next year, between tuition/registration/fees at the university, health insurance (not counting my $20 per pill prescriptions), living costs in the US for six months, and living costs in Spain for six months. My not-so-scientific estimate is that all of this combined might add up to around $28,000.

Keep in mind that I have never made more than $13,000 per year, and after July I will have no paychecks coming.

The very sketchy plan is that I would head to Spain for up to 90 days sometime after July, come back to the States and work through the spring (at least for another 90 days, until I can return on a new visa, but also will have to find more money to go back), and then return to Spain in the late spring or summer for another 90 days, then come back for good.

Problems with this plan:
1. As of right now, I don't have the money to do any of this. Even with loans, I'm not sure how to get up to $28,000...
2. I would have to either move out of my apartment or get my landlord to extend my lease after June until I can leave for Spain.
3. When I would return from Spain, I would have no place to live.
4. I have absolutely NO idea what to do with my cat for these 12 months. One negative of being constantly alone and having virtually no support system in town is that there is no one who can take care of him here, and shipping him off to live with my parents is less than ideal for many reasons. But I have no other real options right now.
5. When I would return from Spain, I have no idea if there would be any job available. Because my department is 97% dependent on state funds, they're cutting GTA funds, and since I have already had 4 years of funding, it is possible that they will be unable to give me any financial support (in employment or otherwise) for the rest of my doctoral program. The economy stinks here right now, and I am not sure what, if anything, would be available for a 28-year old, A.B.D. European history expert who has been in academia for the last 23 years and has a number of physical limitations on the kind of work she can do.
6. When I would return from Spain, I am not sure if I would have to rent an apartment for more than 3 months - would I have to be paying rent on an apartment while also paying for research in Spain in the summer? I am not sure if it would be easier or harder to do it this way.
7. If I send my cat off to my parents' apartment in the fall, could I bring him back to live with me in the spring? If so, would I have to ship him away again in the summer? That seems awfully traumatic for such a scared and untrusting creature. But could I live for 12 months completely without him? He's my baby. He's my only companion many days.

I'm sure there are more problems that I'm not thinking about. Things like dealing with my medicine, trying to apply for grants while in Spain, trying to *find* new grants to apply for that haven't already rejected me twice, etc.

Everything is just so uncertain. It's awful, but for a brief minute I wished I were married. Most of these problems would either not exist or would at least be lessened if I weren't having to do it all alone. I wouldn't have to worry about a place to live, wouldn't have to try to fund everything myself despite no job, wouldn't have to worry about Dominic... I know that's awful. Married couples have just as many if not more concerns. But sometimes it gets very old being one of the only single people in my office. Almost everyone I work with has a partner to go through all of this with, while I... I have to deal with chronic migraines and fatigue and all the physical crap, plus the work, and the funding issues, and everything else alone.

So yeah, with all of this (which I worked through between about 7:30 and 10:30 this morning), I'm taking the day off. I'm stressed out.

Comps questions

2009-04-02T15:02:00.003-07:00

Comps are over. I finished all 9 exams and submitted them at 7 a.m. Tuesday morning. (And no, I haven't been resting, since I came home to my Fulbright rejection letter and now that my plans for the fall are utterly crushed, I'm reeling. But that's another post.)

I thought, just for posterity's sake, that I'd share what my questions were. Here are the 9 exams that I answered:

1. Describe what a social, cultural, AND intellectual history of the Enlightenment could offer a 21st century student who seeks an ethical compass for the future. How have these modes of historical inquiry segregated and unified components of ‘the Enlightenment’? How might Kant’s notion that ‘Do we live in an enlightened age? … ‘No, but we do live an age of enlightenment’ transcend the 18th century and be relevant today?

2. What defines “lieux de mémoire”? Choose three specific ‘sites of memory’ and discuss how they have figured into the political, social and/or cultural discourses surrounding collective memory in the twentieth century.

3. Write an essay identifying six works on your reading list that make particularly large or substantive contributions to the historiography of comparative women’s and gender historiography. Search widely for these books within your reading list, including theory, and with emphasis on Latin America and Imperial Spain, and drawing texts from a range of subfields. Then, place each book within its proper historiographical context, explain precisely why it is of such importance. In what way has it shifted or influenced scholarly debate? In what way is or was it new at the time of its publication? How have subsequent works built upon or diverged from this text? Finally, using these texts as markers or signposts of historiographical change, assess major trends in this scholarship. Where has the field come from, where is it going, and how have your chosen texts facilitated that transition?

4. Most of Europe underwent a movement of intellectual examination and secularization of thought known as the Enlightenment that was prompted, in part at least, by the so-called Scientific Revolution of the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries. General histories of Europe focus primarily on the achievements of Scottish, English, German, and particularly French contributions to the cosmopolitan nature of the Enlightenment. Spain is, curiously but not surprisingly, left out of this history. Discuss the Spanish Enlightenment. How is it similar to Enlightenment elsewhere in Europe and how is it uniquely Spanish? What is the chronology of the Spanish Enlightenment compared to Enlightenment chronology elsewhere in Europe? Why should the Spanish Enlightenment be brought into the broader discussion and historiography of Enlightenment in Europe?

5. Revised in 1982, Raymond Carr’s Spain 1808-1975 remains a touchstone text in Modern Spanish history owing to the variety and depth of issues he raises about the ‘problems’ associated with Spain’s development during the nineteenth century that, in his narrative, led Spanish history directly to its problematic encounter with representative democracy (The Second Republic), a thoroughly tragic and modernization-retarding internal conflict (Spanish Civil War), and a long, brutally authoritarian dictatorship (the Franco Regime). Use your knowledge of the historiography of modern Spain to deconstruct Carr’s position and the relationship of his work to the current hypotheses about Spanish history. Be sure to point out where Carr is still relevant and where his formulations have been superseded by more recent work.

6. Historians and economists continue debating European women’s diverse experiences of industrialization. How have different scholars approached and interpreted these experiences over the course of the twentieth century? Which works marked major departures or revisions in scholars’ understanding of women’s roles and experiences? How have these works changed our view of the relationships among class, gender, and work?

7. Based on your readings, discuss the ways in which agricultural systems (choice of crops, techniques, labor systems) reflect the larger societies of which they are a part. In what ways are agricultural systems the front lines of political contests? Discuss moments when agricultural/land-use systems have changed radically. What are their causes and implications? What works speak to this question?

8. Many readings in world and environmental history try to address and answer the question, “How did ‘the West’ (Europe and its buds – the ‘neo-Europes,’ the ‘North,’ etc.) attain political and economic domination over ‘the rest’ (‘the South,’ ‘the Third World’)? Think back over your readings and discuss the crucial benchmarks and mechanisms of this process as identified by various authors. What are the strengths and weaknesses of these various explanations?

9. Design a syllabus for an undergraduate course in Modern European women's history. Specify and justify your chronology. What major themes would you emphasize and why? Which readings would be most appropriate for your students and why? Which themes would you omit and why?

After 14 days, 110 pages, and over 300 footnotes, I answered all nine questions and somehow am still alive. Now on to orals, grading, planning my summer class, and trying to figure out how to stay in school now that I have no real prospects for funding past July.

Comps day #2

2009-03-18T01:31:00.000-07:00

Question #1 - my advisor's historiographic question - COMPLETE. (Well, I need to finish the last paragraph, but that's it.)

I wrote barely two pages last night and went to bed around 2:30 (though I didn't sleep until after 3). For whatever reason, I woke up at 7:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I didn't start writing again until after 9, and basically wrote 14 pages throughout the day. Grand total: 45 citations, 15.5 pages, and most all of my energy.

I have been trying to take care of myself physically, so last night I made a really simple meat & potatoes casserole - just garlic mashed potatoes and ground beef, some mozzarella cheese, and some cayenne pepper on top. It was delicious, and so I ate half last night and the rest today for lunch. Tonight I made my mom's green bean casserole - french cut green beans, white corn, water chestnuts, mixed with mushroom soup and sour cream, with a dash of soy sauce and black pepper. It was delicious. I'm really happy that I made just exactly enough of both casseroles (neither of which I had ever made before yesterday) - I ate around half the green bean casserole tonight and will eat the rest tomorrow for lunch. It was delicious.

I also took a quick bike ride this afternoon when I needed to clear my head.... but that didn't turn out so well. I rode only 5.5 miles, but for over half of it the wind and dust was atrocious, and by the time I got home I had drunk my entire 24-oz bottle of water. I felt awful after that, and ended up with a decently bad migraine for about 4 hours. Ugh, so not fun.

I had hoped to be asleep by now, but I'm still trying to finish the conclusion to this essay. I am a little worried I'm not going to sleep well. My migraine meds often make it hard to sleep at night if I had to take them after dinner. I am not sure if I'm going to try to answer my second Spain question in the morning or if I want to switch gears for a day and answer the European women's history & industrialization question I outlined. I guess I'll see in the morning if I'm sick of thinking about Spain or not.

My plan for the rest of comps (migraines willing, that is) looks something like this:
1. One day of planning, to outline as much as possible 3 essays - that was Monday the 16th
2. Three days of writing the essays outlined - today was day (and essay) #1; so Wednesday and Thursday should be writing days
3. One day of planning to outline second set of 3 major field questions - should be Friday, the 20th
4. Three days of writing the final major field questions - Saturday through Monday, the 23rd
5. One day of planning to outline three minor field questions - should be Tuesday, the 24th
6. Three days of writing the minor field questions - Wednesday-Friday, ending the 27th.
7. Final three days to review and ponder, if needed, or to continue any problematic essay - Saturday-Monday the 30th.
8. Submit questions via email and in person as soon as the office opens on Tuesday, March 31st.

D-day

2009-03-16T08:20:00.002-07:00

Today is the day. I have my comps questions in an envelope on my end table by the door. They're sealed. I haven't quite gotten the courage up to open them yet.

I slept hard last night - from 10:30 until 7:30. My nerves are through the roof right now.... I have no idea how to start... I think I'm going to get dressed, make some hot tea, and take the plunge by 9. I'm hoping today will be a planning day - a day to outline and try to figure out basically how I should start.

Two weeks. *sigh* I have no idea what I'm doing. God grant me strength...

Sevilla!!!

2009-03-01T16:08:00.003-07:00

I made a leap of faith today. After reading dozens of reviews, consulting three good friends whom I trust, and my parents, and praying about it last night and this morning, I made the leap:

Within the last hour, I booked both my flights and a bed at the hostel so I will be in Sevilla from May 18th through June 4th. (I'll actually start the trip on May 17th, but you know - over-night flights and such.) I got to pick my own seats, since the flights are fairly empty right now, so I picked seats near the front of the planes and either on window or aisle seats (depending on whether I want to be able to lean against the wall or stretch into the aisle). For $597, I have a flight cross-country to Atlanta and on to Madrid, and back again in June. When it gets closer, I'll book passage on the AVE high-speed train from Madrid to Sevilla - you can't book more than 60 days ahead of time, which is perfectly understandable. Round trip, the train will cost around $180, which will still make this plan cheaper than flying directly into Sevilla!

So I'll get into Madrid in the morning, in the 9-o'clock hour. Then I'll have to figure out how best to get down to Atocha to get the train. [Just looked at the metro maps - it looks to be a 40-minute, 3-train ride. Not too bad, really. My trips to the AHN were about as long last time I was there.] Hopefully I can find one of the little sandwich shops I used to pass each day down there and grab a little something to eat. Or I think I can eat at the train station, if all else fails.

I'll stay at the hostel from the 18th through June 1st, and then I'll splurge and get a hotel for two nights in Sevilla. I'm considering taking the train back up to Madrid on the 3rd, staying at a hotel near a metro station and taking the metro to the airport the morning of my flight. So three nights in a hotel as reward for working for two weeks and putting up with other people. Not bad, right? And since I don't eat a ton, I figure if I cook/make my evening meals at the hostel (simple things - sandwiches, pasta & veggies, rice & veggies, etc.) I probably could get away with using only half of my grant money on lodgings and travel... which would be awesome!

I'm so excited, I can barely contain myself. I can't believe that, including the travel insurance I got with the plane tickets (for a whopping $32), my grand total for both lodging and transportation for two weeks so far to Spain have come out to all of $990. !!!!!!!!!!!

* * * * *

Now ask me if I'm getting any work done here in my office? Um, yeah. Right. :-p

A tale of comps, migraine, and Spain

2009-03-01T07:15:00.002-07:00

So yesterday had the drudgery, the unpleasant, and the giddy.

The drudgery - first, I biked to campus a little before 9 a.m. to try to do some prep work for my meeting with one of my committee members on Monday. I printed out most of my notes for her list, organized them in chronological order within each section, and put them in a notebook so I can just flip through and see my notes on each source if I so choose. I'm trying to do this for each list if I can, just because sometimes I like having things in my hand. A decent number of things on this list were from my seminar with this professor, and I didn't re-read the books, so I had to find my precis for each book and decide which ones I needed to print. I had hoped I'd also do some more work on those lists - finding patterns and such - but since I have no idea what kinds of questions she's going to ask, I didn't even know where to begin.

I then realized I had forgotten to send my rent check, so I had to trek to the post office down the street and send that. I called my landlady to let her know that it was in the mail but probably wouldn't get to her before Monday. She confirmed that she is quite incompetent.

After that, and lunch, I read a book for this prof's list. Now for the unpleasant. Then evil beast migraine returned, and returned insanely fast. K had mentioned that he was staying home, so I called and asked if he could possibly pick me and my bike up so I didn't have to bike home with a migraine for the second time this week. He immediately agreed and came to my rescue. Me, the bike, and 1,000 pounds of books (okay, maybe 5 pounds) got a lift and I got medicine and an ice pack and lay down for an hour.

Now comes the giddy part. I started looking again at flights to Spain for May. I have grant money that I need to use, and I need to go to Sevilla to use it, since that's what they gave it to me for. I have been looking at flights during my last two migraines, and have found some amazing deals to flew to Madrid or Barcelona - we're talking in the $600-$800 range (including taxes). If I flew in to Madrid, I could take a high-speed train and get to Sevilla in 2-3 hours. I kind of like this idea, because I could take the train round-trip for under $200, and I'd get the chance to see the countryside. My hope is that it would be a little less stressful, too...

Then I started looking for places I might be able to stay. Eventually, I found a hostel that, from all the reviews, seems to be quite clean and safe, and has good amenities - breakfast, free wi-fi, 24-hour security and reception, a kitchen, laundry room... but the best part is its location. I saw its basic location on the map and thought it looked somewhat close to the archive I need to work in. So I went to Google maps and put both places in. It couldn't give me the distance in miles because the hostel is located 375 FEET from the archive!!! It's literally around the corner and two buildings down. I about fell off the couch. You're telling me that for around $450 I could stay within a 30-second walk of my archive for 2 weeks?

I emailed them to ask if they allowed smoking (since that would be a deal-breaker), to make sure of the location and proximity to the archive, the proximity of markets/stores, and the noise at night. I'm guessing the guy on the night shift at reception was bored, because he replied within 30 minutes - at 3 a.m. his time! They don't allow smoking in the rooms or anywhere on the premises, they really are that close to the archive, there are 4 supermarkets in walking distance, and they have some rules against noise after a certain time.

It sounds almost too good to be true. I've looked at reviews on probably a dozen sites, and most of them are really good. So now here's my dilemma: do I go ahead and book flights and the room, which assumes that I will pass both my written and oral exams... or do I hold off and wait to see if I can figure something else out after comps?

Busy week and Ridiculous Students

2009-02-13T22:45:00.003-07:00

Comps
This week has been insanely productive. Starting from Saturday, I've read the following:

A. Owen Aldridge, The Ibero-American Enlightenment
Alice Clark, Working Life of Women in the Seventeenth Century
Richard Herr, The Eighteenth-Century Revolution in Spain
Stephen Kern, The Culture of Time and Space, 1880-1918
Lloyd Kramer, "Intellectual History and Philosophy," Modern Intellectual History (2004)
George Mosse, The Crisis of German Ideology
George Mosse, Nazi Culture
George Mosse, Toward the Final Solution: A History of European Racism
Thomas Munck, The Enlightenment: A Comparative Social History, 1721-1794

I also had a good meeting with my advisor talking about the Herr book and the Enlightenment in Spain, and then had a really positive meeting with another committee member yesterday morning about my intellectual history/collective memory list. She doesn't think I'm completely useless, and can tell that I am doing better. She was in a really good mood, too, so I didn't feel half as intimidated as normal.

Teaching
Only 3 of my 40-odd students decided to write this first paper on Rousseau. At least one of them is probably going to get a D, if not lower, since the only citations are from wikipedia (after I expressly told them not to do that, and said the only citations should be from Rousseau, the textbook, and class lectures), the paper is 2 pages too long, and most of it is simply a plot summary (which I also told them not to do). Ugh. Not good.

Today I made my students compete a little and debate whether 1789 brought more change, or if continuity was in fact more prominent. The first two classes did brilliantly. Both sides came up with a ton of examples for their case, and even debated each other sometimes over the grey areas. I was so proud. The third class, though... oy. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I love them, but they're probably going to fail. Three of the 10 did wonderfully, and really put in a ton of work. The others... either just followed along or honestly knew nothing. My Continuity group in that class couldn't figure anything out on their own. They obviously had done no work... I was really disappointed with them.

* * * * *
Oh yeah - one of my students who failed my class last semester has sunk to new lows. From what we can figure out, it is highly likely that the student forged my advisor's signature in order to add our class to his schedule *last Friday*. The story has been complicated more and more, but the story as we know it right now is that he originally was in another freshman-level core class - one not run by our department - but was administratively dropped. (The only reason this would happen would be if he didn't attend the first two weeks' classes.) Then he *claims* that he signed into "Section 16" of our class. But we don't have a section 16. The class with the same number and a section 16 is another course run by our department - but I spoke with some of the grads who teach that class, and they never saw this kid, either. Then the kid *claims* that he signed into section 25 of our course, and that my advisor signed the drop/add sheet last Friday. So the numerous problems with this last statement are:

1) My advisor has made it a policy not to sign in anyone for the course. Since there are 5 graduate TAs and 15 sections, he didn't want to screw with our rosters without our OK. Therefore, he has been sending any and all students who would like to come into the class to us, and gives us full authority to decide whether or not to allow anyone else in to the class. So the claim that my advisor "signed him in" is bogus.

2) My advisor... whom I know very, very well... doesn't come to campus on Fridays. :-)

3) Finally, we asked him, and he denies signing any forms.

So now the department is in the process of trying to get the form from the Registrar's office so my advisor can see for himself what the signature looks like. And then... well, in my mind the Dean of Students and the police should probably be called. But we'll see....

* * * * *

We also had a student come in to the office today looking, generically, for "my ta..." We asked whom she was looking for - she didn't know. She vaguely knew that her class was about Latin American, so I knew which 5 people it could be. But I wasn't in the mood to deal with oblivious and ignorant students, so I just sat there. She finally said it was a guy, and she thought he "might" be Canadian. There's only one guy who fit that, so I asked if it was him - first name, then added his last name after a pause. She asked, "Are those two different guys?" "No," I replied, "that's his name: ___ _____." She just looked dumbly back at me. The the other grad asked what her TA looks like. She hemmed and hawed and finally said that he had darkish hair... and was tall... He also asked if her TA wore glasses, and she said no.

At this point, I just started to laugh. The girl - still completely oblivious and a bit vacuous in her responses - didn't seem to understand. I finally said that we don't have anyone in our department who fits that description - tall, dark, un-bespectacled, and Canadian. The other grad was chuckling, too. I explained that the person whose name I had offered is Canadian, but he is short and wears glasses. He's maybe 5'5", if that. The girl still didn't understand. She continued to say that her TA is quite tall and doesn't wear glasses. She sat down to wait "in case" whomever she was waiting for showed up. I couldn't take it - I finally said that the next time she came it probably would be helpful is she could tell us the name of the person she wanted to meet. Her reply - "I've only been in class for, like, three weeks." [As if that explains it????} I gave up.

When her TA - the one whom I said it was to begin with - came in, she exclaimed that she had never noticed his glasses.... He remarked that she should pay more attention, since he wears them all of the time. From the rest of their conversation, I think she's been missing more than just what her TA looks like....

Gah. Students.

I learned this weekend...

2009-02-09T22:22:00.003-07:00

1. That short-term study carrels rock. I practically lived in one this weekend at the library. You get it for 6 hours, and it is a really nice change from my office.

2. That reading three books about Nazism, Nazi ideology, and European racism is enough to depress anyone.

3. That the Enlightenment, if discussed in the right way, can actually be fun to discuss.

4. That Spain DID have an Enlightenment!!!

5. That the banning of a specific kind of hat led to the dissolution of the entire Jesuit order in 1767. Only Spain, baby, only Spain.

6. That I get a little frustrated when professors ignore my email for multiple days...

7. That I have the ability, if I'm not having migraines, to actually get work done. I read 5 books between Saturday and Sunday, and am reading a major work in my field today (and so am going slower because it is the classic work on the 18th century in Spain).

8. That weather shifts of 50 degrees are annoying. It was 80 degrees the middle of last week; they're predicting SNOW, even down here in the metro valley, tonight. Blah. I want my desert heat back.

Tomorrow I have another meeting with my advisor, and I was hoping that on Thursday I could meet with the one committee member whom I know doesn't think I'm doing well for her list. But since she hasn't replied, I'm not sure yet. I'm just trying to work as hard as I can. I have made it two weeks without migraines, and have basically been at work every day for those two weeks. Even on the last two Sundays, I've gone to church and then headed to work after lunch. It kind of stinks, but I don't have a choice if I'm going to pass comps.

One month. *shudders*

I feel a little less stupid

2009-02-05T00:26:00.002-07:00

I met with my advisor to talk about Spain, and therefore talk about comps, this afternoon. We haven't done this for a very, very long time. We're talking months. I was petrified. I walked in feeling like I knew nothing about Spain, and he was going to tell me that I have no right being here. Our meeting went very differently.

* He first asked me if I could talk about what I thought were recent trends in the historiography. So I thought for a while, trying to orient myself and put the large amount of crap in my head in chronological order, and finally started talking about questions of identity and complex relations between class, gender, regionalism, and the state.

* He was happy with that as a starting point, and so asked what historical reasons there would be for that trend popping up when it did. I thought, and came up with an answer that seemed utterly too simple. As I thought, I finally said aloud that normally when I think that an answer is too simple and overthink it, David usually tells me that was what he was looking for in the first place. So I gave him my simple answer. And he said, "Absolutely!"

* Then he embarked on what should have been a very simple question, but he wanted to make it obtuse. So, of course, I looked at him like he was insane and had no idea what he was talking about. After about 3 minutes of him continuing to ask the question in different ways, I finally figured out what he was talking about, answered it - again, the really basic answer - and we went on.

* After that stop-start-stop-start beginning, we proceeded to talk for 2 good hours about the historiography. I found that I could legitimately talk about the holes in the field, why I thought some of the holes were there, where the major trends seemed to be, when the major trends seemed to pop up, perhaps why they seemed to pop up, etc.

* He also explained his thoughts on potential exam questions. Right now there are five potentials for writtens and orals:

--Historiography question - asking some broad question about historiographic trends, akin to what we did today, or perhaps focusing in on a more specific topic, not sure yet

--Teaching question - asking how to teach Spain in the context of either an Atlantic World or a World history course - so I would have to have a plan for how to design and teach an entire course, complete with readings and strategies in mind

--Eighteenth century - question on the Spanish Enlightenment and how it connects or compares to the Enlightenment in the rest of Europe

--Nineteenth century - perhaps a broader question on the Spanish 19th century; we talked about maybe giving me a broader question here to let me play with it a bit more

--Twentieth century - a question on the impact of the end of the Franco regime and the transition era - though he told me that he's not leaning toward this question. For which I would be glad. Though I did have to ask for more books if he has any hope of making me discuss the Spanish Enlightenment, because he neglected to give me any readings that so much as discuss it even a little. So, ack, I had to add more books today. On the bright side, he said that means I can cut out three books in exchange. Yay!

When I finally got out of the meeting, I actually felt *not* stupid about my specialization. Woo-hoo!!

So, maybe I do know something about Spain... Now I just have to get the other 4 committee members to feel this good about me (and vice versa).

My roster trumps your PDA

2009-01-30T21:18:00.002-07:00

Today has been full of important things and not-so-important things. Some good, some bad, some frustrating, and some worthy of jumping up and down and yelling for joy (if that didn't hurt my head).

The Bad
My students either did not show up today or did not come prepared. Out of 46 students that should have been there, only around 30 bothered to come to class; out of that 30, I would say only about 4 were actually prepared for class. In once section, only two students brought their books, and only one person knew anything about the reading or lecture. I gave one class a pop quiz due to their lack of preparation from last week. It looks like next week every one of my classes deserves some punishment. Bah. It's awfully early in the semester for such awful behavior. It's only the third week of class!! This gives me grave doubts about their ability to survive the next 13 weeks....

The Funny
We have the ability to administratively drop students who do not attend class. My boss and the TAs decided that we would drop anyone who missed 2 out of the first 3 Friday sections. So this past Wednesday, I went through my rosters and ended up dropping 3 students from the lists - one from each class. I emailed the names and section #s to my boss just in case the students threw hissy fits and told one of the new TAs that I have never had a student who had been dropped actually show up. I spoke too soon.

I arrived at my first classroom and started unpacking and getting set up when a student I didn't recognize asked if I had a syllabus. The rest of our interaction went something like this:

Me: "Were you not in class the past two Fridays? I handed the syllabi out two weeks ago."
Student: "Nah, I wasn't here."
Me: [looks skeptically at student] "What's your name?"
S: "My name is _____."
Me: [recognizes the name as one that I dropped, but not from this class; the student had been registered in my 11 a.m. class, not the 10 a.m. class] "I'm looking at my roster, and you are not registered in this class."
S: "Yes, I am."
Me: "No, no, you're not. I'm looking at the official roster. You have never been in this section."
S: [comes over to me and whips out his PDA] "Yes, I am. See? This is my schedule. It's right here! So I have to be here."
Me: "That doesn't matter. You are not registered in this section." [Am logging into my rosters as he continues to shove his PDA in my face, as if the PDA trumps all] "Look - you are not on these rosters. If you were not here the first two weeks, you were administratively dropped from the class. But you were never registered for this section, no matter what."
S: "Well, I was registered for some class.... How do I get back in?"
Me: "You will have to speak with the professor." [Then ensued a few minutes of trying to explain the idea of "office hours" because he didn't understand that my boss is not sitting in his office every second of the day. Then he said that he's on the baseball team and can't go speak with the professor anyway. *sigh*]

When I got home this afternoon, I saw an email from my boss. The student, who did not know either my name or the professor's name, emailed him saying that had gone "to his correct section" and had been told he wasn't in the class anymore and wanted to know how to get back in. My boss explained kindly that he had explained the attendance policy in lectures, on the syllabus, and it had been explained in sections, and if the student had come to any of these he would have been aware of these facts. As such, since he had already missed so much of the course, the professor could not break his own rules and let him back in.

See? My roster trumps your PDA any day of the week! :-p

The Good
I went to a massage therapy session this afternoon. I have been in so much pain lately that I was getting desperate. I had to try something before I gave up. So after trying to do some research and getting no help from the health center, I decided to try a therapy place about 1/2 mile from my apartment. I researched the therapists there, and about 1/4 of them are members of the American Massage Therapy Association, and all of them are licensed and certified. They do all different kinds of work - deep tissue massage, swedish massage, pressure points, shiatsu, and about 5 others that I don't know anything about. So after work today, I came home and went there for a 30 minute appointment. It was a little weird at first, since I'm not used to being that not-dressed with anyone, but I was really comfortable with the therapist they paired me with. She's not much older than me, and reminded me a lot of the physical therapists I've worked with in the past. She even showed me some neck stretches to do for the tightness there. It was all very professional and very relaxing. I'm still really tight - as I knew I would be, considering how many migraines I've had lately and how tight I was to begin with. But it was really nice. I will absolutely go back. Soon. I just wish it was a bit cheaper. It's around $30 a session, which isn't terrible at all. It's just that I have no money. So we'll see. Maybe in two weeks I'll go back, to try to help me get through comps stuff.

The VERY Good
And, finally, the very good news... I got an email today and learned: I made it past the first round of the Fulbright!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me = relieved beyond belief. If the email had been bad news, I would probably be in a little ball of stress trying to figure out what in the world to do with my life and how to survive financially once the paychecks all stop in May. So, yay, national committee for passing me along to Spain! Now comes the long, long waiting period. God's will be done.

The Roughest of Days

2009-01-23T22:30:00.002-07:00

Today has been a very hard day.

It started out far too early, waking up at 6 and feeling poorly, and then facing unpleasant weather (which only exacerbates my health problems). I drove to work and had a decent morning, my first two classes surprising me by coming fairly prepared and working really hard. I was feeling better when I went to lunch.

I rarely do this, but I got out my laptop while I was eating my sandwich in the union, and thought I'd check my email. I found an email from one of my old friends from my undergrad, asking if one of our mutual friends had passed away. She was asking based on comments being left on our friend's Facebook page.

Our friend Brooke, like her father and grandmother, had Marfan Syndrome - a genetic disorder that causes a whole host of problems, but can cause especially devastating troubles with the heart and circulatory system. Both Brooke and her dad had been suffering from aneurysms over the last five years. Her dad almost died from a heart aneurysm our freshman year of college, in 1999, and eventually passed away from another one this past year. Brooke herself almost died twice while attending seminary and working on her M.Div, and had told me that she had constant aneurysms and could die at any time if they didn't catch them in time.

I immediately looked at her facebook page and saw the messages that had alarmed our other friend, but was not able to do anything more because I had to go teach my third class of the day. On my way to class, I called my mom back East, knowing that she has been resting at home after pulling a muscle. I couldn't believe I was forming the words, but I asked her if she could get on the computer and see if she could find an obituary for Brooke in Kentucky, Tennessee, or Mississippi (the three states in which she had lived). I confess that I could have cared about teaching that next hour, but I focused on my students, and then as soon as I was out of the building again, I called Mom back.

She told me she had found what I feared. My dear, dear friend passed away yesterday after undergoing surgery for an aneurysm. Her surgery went well, but her one remaining kidney failed and she did not pull through. My dear friend, whom I love, joined her daddy last night.

Within 30 minutes, I had talked to both of my college roommates, gotten a call from my friend Bethany (who had gotten a call from Brooke's college roommate as well), and had contacted as many friends online as I could think of, sending them the funeral information Mom had found for me. Then I had to go sit in an hour-long meeting about the budget crisis and learn such depressing things like our department's budget comes 97% from state funds and other such stuff, so we are inordinately affected by any and all state cuts, etc..

I love you, Brooke. I will always think of you when I talk about Marfan's, when I speak in sign language, when I see anyone drinking from a bottle of Pepto Bismol, whenever I see any Heath Ledger movie, when watching Steel Magnolias, when admiring a beautiful painting (for your paintings were breathtaking), whenever I think of people who inspire me, and when think of friendship.

On the way home from work, I was struggling to not completely bawl. It was the first time that I had the chance to cry, other than when I sobbed in the bathroom before the meeting. As I was about ready to let loose, K pointed out a double rainbow in the sky. It was beautiful. For the entire ride home, I felt as if Brooke was with me. When I got home, I looked back at her FB page again, and saw one of her other friends' comments, which ended with the words, "You are my rainbow."

Yes, yes she is.

Budgets and facts

2009-01-22T11:17:00.001-07:00

I am in no mood to work, thanks to extreme amounts of pain that greeted me and has not quite gone away. So I've been reading about the university. I'm considering sitting in on the Regents' meeting this afternoon, partly out of curiosity, partly because I hate rumors, and partly because I find people fascinating.

People have all sorts of strange ideas about funding, which colleges are strong or weak, who gets paid what, etc. I learned a few interesting facts today:

1. The All Funds Budget for the university for 2008 is estimated at $1,879,734,300

2. The state funds as a percentage of the total state appropriations has dropped over the last 20 years from 16% in 1998 to around 9% in 2008. And, of course, the legislature wants to cut more in the next few weeks/months.

3. In 2007, the university received around $33 million in grants for instruction; $237 million for research; $39 million for public service; $2 million for academic support; $27 million for student services and administration; and $562,000 for institutional support.

4. Most of the above grants are restricted in nature - they can only be used for the project they were given for. So, for example, research money given to the CS department cannot then be used to pay the English professors their salaries. Or money given from the federal government to pay for an outreach program to Native American students cannot be siphoned to pay the Art professors.

5. Most of the instructional costs, administrative costs, and "institutional support" come directly out of state funds, unless there are specific gifts/grants given for those aids.

6. If the $100 million cut goes through, added to the $20 million the U already cut this year, it would be the equivalent of cutting 15% of the overall budget.

7. In 2007, Grad students made up 20% of the university staff; Faculty, 19%; "Classified staff," 40%; Professional, 19%; and Administrators, 2%.

7. In 2007, the U awarded 7,782 degrees - 5,568 Bachelor's degrees, 1,382 Master's, 461 PhDs, 17 Specialists, 161 Law degrees, 74 Pharmacy, and 119 Medical degrees.

8. Of those 7,782 degrees, 1,863 came from the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences (my college). That means that SBS graduated around 24% of the total graduates in 2007. 1,572 were undergraduate degrees, 219 were MAs, and 72 were PhDs.

9. Aside from the college of management, which graduated 1,200 students that same year, SBS graduated the most undergraduates by over 1,000, in most cases. Whoo-hoo, go SBS! (Maybe they won't eliminate us, then, yeah???) Where SBS falls behind a bit is in the graduate degrees - which makes sense, since our programs are typically much longer, often struggle to get funded from anywhere, and require intense, original field research that can take one to two years on top of coursework, plus writing a 300-page book. Science graduated 84 PhDs in 2007, and SBS 72.

10. The U's investment income dropped 90% from 2007 to 2008. Yay, economic downturn. :-/

Interesting stuff, really. I wish I understood more of the economic crapspeak so I could get more out of the more in-depth financial stuff. I hope that SBS' fairly large teaching load, and successful graduation rates, will keep the college safe from any drastic action. You never know, though.

Education woes

2009-01-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

After so many people had such joy and hope yesterday with the new inauguration (which I'm commenting on not as a political commentary, but as a historical one), today has been a day of doom and gloom around here.

But first, a slight side note. While the university in which I work tries to convince itself that there is no widespread alcohol use problem among the undergraduates - especially the minors among them - today my lunch experience was just one example of the problem. I went to the union to get my $3 lunch special. Every Wednesday about half of the the university food places offer a special meal for only $3 plus tax. So I picked up one of the specials and sat down to eat. I ended up on the other side of the wall from two young women. I ate silently, but for the entire 15 minutes that I was eating my sandwich, this one girl spent the entire time relating her alcoholistic exploits. She was regaling her friend with literally dozens of stories of how she and her friends had gotten their hands on bottles upon bottles of gin, whiskey, beer, vodka, and who knows what else. She talked about how she had done 16 shots in a row the night before. She then started reminiscing about her long-ago high school days (which, from her conversation, was only a year ago), when she used to steal all of her parents' alcohol and was downing entire bottles of vodka with her friends and lying about it. Now, who knows how much of her story was true and how much was her trying to impress her friend (and anyone else who could hear, for that matter). I was sickened by the fact that this girl seemed to really think that the one way she could gain prestige was to talk about how drunk she could get, how much she could steal, and how wasted she had been when she got caught. But no, there is no alcohol problem on campus. Right. There's just a value problem.

Anyway. The state of education in my state is, well, dire, to say the least. I might have mentioned before that the state legislature has proposed a $900 million budget cut to public education, with a $300 million cut to the three public universities for this fiscal year alone. (AKA, this would only be to get us to the end of June, 2009.) At the universities there is, of course, major uproar. The approximately $100 million that my university would need to cut for the rest of this fiscal year would amount to around 25% of the budget. We already cut $20 million for this academic year, and that was pretty painful. So yesterday there were protests coordinated at all three universities, with faculty, graduate students, and undergrads protesting the slashing of educational budgets to make up for fiscal irresponsibility in the legislature.

Of course, the Republican legislators who are proposing the cuts are insisting that the cuts are the only possible move (though they seem to think that we should still be able to teach larger numbers of students, graduate more students faster than we have been, and provide them with better quality educations than ever before all without funding). Yesterday, our faculty had an emergency meeting to discuss things, and then we got an email from my advisor, who is also the director of graduate studies. He told us that the head of the department was informed that 20% of our graduate funding is being taken away (to start with), and so we are going to have a big meeting on Friday to talk about how the department is going to deal with that. Some possible options include:
* Only funding current PhD students, and leaving all MA students and incoming students out in the cold
* Not accepting any incoming students at all for 2009-2010 to make the above option less dramatic

In reality, there aren't many other options. We don't work like the sciences - grad students do not get paid from a professor's grant money. The 33 assistantships that the department has funded for the last few years are the *only* support we get, aside from tuition waivers through the graduate college while dissertating. So while we were all trying to digest the fact that, despite being assured only three months ago that the university would not take away our graduate funding, the university is taking away 1/5 of our measly graduate funding, I heard some more disturbing news today. Two of my good friends are in the College of Science, and it seems that both of them got a memo, from different people, regarding information given from the dean of the COS to the heads of the science departments. I think this email speaks for itself:

"At yesterday's Heads and Directors meeting the Dean asked us to convey two important points to our respective departments.

1. In the next few days to weeks entire colleges and departments will be closed before the end of the fiscal year (June 30, 2009). Lay off notices for both faculty and staff are being prepared (tenure doesn't count when an entire department is closed). [The Board of Regents] is coordinating the closures system wide so that College X is not simultaneously closed at all three universities.

2. The Administration is committed to preserving COS, so no closures are expected in our college. In fact, the 5% cut I discussed yesterday might be the last we see, including July '09.

These are the long discussed (highly) differential cuts. [The university] will not be the same when the Fall semester begins. [The dean] was not at liberty to reveal the details, but he did say "trust me - COS will be OK".

"Environment", very broadly defined, is the university's top priority so my advice is to try to stay calm. If the administration succeeds in preserving the best [the university] has to offer then we might indeed be leaner and stronger in a few years. In the meantime, it's going to be very ugly so please spare a thought for your friends and colleagues elsewhere on campus."

Now, I'm not panicking, because I can't imagine that they would eliminate my department. Supposedly there is something in the land-grant setup that requires that there be a history department and that we provide historical education. But it's interesting that my department is looking at a 20% cut - and was told that is probably just the beginning - while the entire college of science is told to expect only a 5% cut. Of course, it is entirely possible that their starting budgets are so much larger than ours that a 5% cut in the chem budget is equivalent to a 20% cut in the history budget, since we have no money to start with. And, of course, many of their graduate students are not paid by university funds to begin with - they are paid from grants and so are not affected by budget cuts anyway. It is also a very disturbing thought that the board of regents is preparing to close "entire colleges and departments" across the three state universities. Which ones we don't know, but this is scary. Who decides which departments get cut?

I am preparing for the fact that my department can't help me after this semester. Even if they wanted to, they'll only be able to fund a little over 20 grads, and I've already received 4 years of support. It wouldn't be fair to expect anything else. So if I don't get grants or fellowships for the next two-three years, I have no idea how I'm going to finish my degree. If I don't have funding, I'm not sure where I would live, or how I'd pay the rent, or what job I'd get.

Wow, the world seems so... uneasy.

A New Day

2009-01-16T16:11:00.003-07:00

On Friday, I met my new group of students for the semester. I was supposed to have 54 students in 3 classes, but 10 did not show up and one came to add the class, so I only actually met 45 students. For the first time since I started teaching, I am *not* teaching at 9 a.m. on a Friday morning. It was kind of nice, not having to get up super early (in order to account for biking to work, getting un-gross, changing, etc.).

My first class is across campus at 10, and I got over there a few minutes early. About half the class was there already, sitting perfectly silent, with those funny, only-students-can-have-that-look gazes. My room actually has technology, so I started to get out my syllabi and set up the computer/projector so I could show them a few important things. They remained silent. I finally said that were under no obligation to be silent before class began, so they could absolutely talk to each other while I got things ready. It felt as if someone had released air from a balloon. The tension released immediately, and they all started chatting, introducing themselves to each other. Just based on first impressions, I would predict that this class will probably be a fun class to be with - they seem to be exceptionally comfortable talking with each other, and so as long as they come prepared, I think we should probably enjoy the time together.

My second class is in the same room at 11, and so there is a whole new problem when they walk in. You see, for whatever reason, when undergraduates come to a classroom, especially on the first day, they seem to be terribly nervous if the instructor is already in the room. It doesn't matter how much bravado they put on for the rest of the year - if they come to their classroom 10 minutes early and I am already there, their eyes get big, their mouths clamp shut, and they sit staring at the floor until class begins. Again, I tried to remedy this situation, but this time when I told them they didn't have to be silent and could talk while we waited, no one blinked. They all just sat there. The makeup of this particular class is very different from the first class. I have four or five girls who I think you could perhaps classify in the punk or alternative group. I hate to admit it, but at first I couldn't tell if a few of them were male or female. I was a little surprised when one of them said her name, as I was expecting a guy's name. Added to this group of no-nonsense girls are 7 students from India. I would venture to guess that a bunch of them, all computers/science/engineering/ majors, needed a core class and decided to take one together for moral support. There are 6 males and one female, and all of them speak terribly softly and at least two of them seemed to have a great deal of difficulty understanding me at times. I'm going to have to try to talk a bit slower and make sure I'm enunciating well, I think, until they get used to my (non-specific) accent. I also have a student from Lithuania in this class as well. Depending on how well they write, I wouldn't be surprised if this class is my best in terms of grades, but my hardest to deal with for discussion. We'll have to see.

Oh, one fun tidbit concerning the classroom: when I walked in the room, I saw on the board this odd groupings of words and scribbles, but clearly in the middle was the name of one of the other history grads. I presumed he taught in the room at 9 and went to go erase the gibberish so I could write some key info of my own on the board. Except... it didn't erase. In fact, it was like I didn't touch the words. I look back at the desk with the computer and see a marker, pick it up. As I roll it over in my hands, I see the dreaded words: Permanent Marker. Yep, he used a permanent marker on the board. I can only hope the someone will be able to clean it up so 1/4 of the board is not ruined for the term.

I have an hour in between the second and third class. Unfortunately, that hour is noon - meaning getting lunch somewhere might be tricky each week. But this time it worked fairly well, since I managed to both get my food and find a place to eat without much trouble and with plenty of time to get to my final class. My third and final class of the day is in the building that houses the Electrical and Computer Engineering department. So, take a minute and imagine all the beautiful, expensive technology this building has. When you walk into the south entrance, the entire southern section of the hallway is filled with millions of dollars worth of computers, scanners, printers, projectors, wifi, and other lovely things used to teach, learn, and design. My classroom should rock, right? Not right. My room is this teeny, tiny room that's situated in the farthest corner from the entrance, next to nothing, and is angled on a diagonal. It has just enough seats and desks for exactly 21 people - which is good, since my class is supposed to have 20 in it, plus me. As for technology? Well... it has a dry erase board... and an overhead projector anchored to the wall so it can only move about 3 feet away, which isn't actually far enough to show anything large on the pull-down screen. As for the screen, if I pull it down, I seem to be wholly incapable of pulling it back up. But that's it. No projection system, no computer, no nothing.

Anyway, this class has one kid from Hong Kong, and only 12 others actually showed up. So I'm missing around 7 students, assuming they didn't drop. There's one kid in this class, as in the last, who is already sending out major "I hate being here and I'm going to assume you're stupid" vibes with their body language and facial expressions. I've got some pretty vocal girls in this last class, though, so I'm hoping that they'll be ones I can count on to keep things moving if and when discussions lag.

Overall, it was an interesting day. I had to go request some *real* technology for my third classroom. I told each class that being here and teaching them is my passion, and that this class is the area of history I love the best. I also told them I'd let them know when my exams are scheduled so they'll have a head's up for when I'm going to be incommunicado. And I asked them to give me 50 minutes of their week, and to give me their best, since I'll be giving them my best. Hopefully they'll come through. I have faith!

I'm always on a bit of a high after teaching, though it didn't last very long. I had woke up feeling sick, and by the time I fiddled with paperwork back in my office and drove home, I was getting a major migraine. Unfortunately, it lasted the entire afternoon/evening, and even with medicine I woke up at 2, 4, and 6:30 and finally just had to get up because my joints were throbbing so much (a side effect from my triptan). As a result, I've been in migraine fog the rest of the day, and my mood plummeted along with it. I've done nothing productive other than cook. Of course, I also haven't had any human contact since I left my office yesterday, which doesn't help when I feel awful.

Here's to hoping this next week is better. I have to face my advisor and talk finally about scheduling my exams... and I am not looking forward to that at all. I just don't know...

Recommendations

2008-12-17T21:33:00.003-07:00

Within five minutes tonight, I was asked for recommendations twice. First was a recommendation of the sort to be expected - a book recommendation for a student. My (as of tomorrow, former) boss emailed asking for recommendations of good books on the Spanish Civil War for a student who had read fictional accounts but wanted to get into the actual historical accounts of the war. Since I am one of only two modern Spanish historians at the university, this is a reasonable request.

I suggested four different works of varying degrees - Sheelagh Ellwood for a basic introduction and easy read; Esenwein and Shubert's collection of essays for a broad understanding of the background and meaning of the war without intense detail; and Jackson and Thomas' tomes if you really want a step-by-step accounting of the war in gruesome detail.

The second request I am much more excited about. A former student, a young woman who took a class I worked in this past spring, sent me an email tonight. I recognize her name, remember her work, but honestly cannot remember her face. [Side note: I do not know how professors who can remember every student for decades do it. I have been teaching for 5 years, have taught well over 600 students since the fall of 2004. I recognize my students, but their names, or their names with faces, flee my fragile memory quickly.] As soon as she mentioned the term paper that she wrote, I remembered it. It was by far the best paper I read all year. Perhaps the best paper I have read in 5 years of grading.

The class was on American foreign policy in the 20th century, dealing especially with cover operations, and her paper dealt with American involvement in Chile during the Allende period. She argued that the American involvement in this particular coup was in part due to their desire to change Chilean economics, which was achieved by placing into power Chilean economists whom had been trained at the University of Chicago and then brought back with aid from the CIA. It was an amazing paper, well-researched, and extremely sophisticated. My only comment was that if she had not considered continuing on into graduate school, she really should do it.

Well, tonight she emailed me saying that she has majored in politics (I'm guessing political science) but now is trying to apply to our graduate program in history. She has written to the American history professor who taught that class, but since she is not sure he will necessarily know who she is, she is hoping that I can put in a good word for her in the hopes that he will write a letter of recommendation for her.

It's the first time a student has asked me to "put in a good word for me" before! So in the past week, I had a student cite me in a paper, and now is looking to me for recommendation help.

It makes me happy, because I feel like perhaps I might actually be making a difference. Maybe some of them really are learning something. Maybe I can be a positive factor in their lives. I hope so. That's part of what I love about teaching. It's the hope of change, the possibility that, beyond teaching them what happened in Europe or in Asia or Africa in the 19th century, they might come away with a greater understanding of themselves, of each other, and might be better for it.

Those crazy kids

2008-12-14T21:32:00.004-07:00

This weekend was a whirlwind 48-hour grading extravaganza. My university demands that we grading all exams and calculate final grades within 48 hours of the end of the exam time slot. Since my students' exam was on Friday, I get a slight extension, having until tomorrow morning technically. (This all stems from when we were still using hand-written, scantron bubble sheets to submit final grades. Obviously you couldn't physically hand in grades on the weekend, since all of the university offices are closed. This was, oh, two academic years ago? Yeah, not really in the 21st century yet.)

A few times I broke out into song, thanks to Lerner and Loewe - "Why can't the English teach their children how to speak? Norwegians speak Norwegian, and Greeks are taught their Greek. In France, every Frenchman knows his language from 'A' to 'Zed'.... Arabians learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning. And Hebrews learn it backwards which is absolutely frightening. But use proper English you're regarded as a freak. Oh why can't the English, why can't the English learn to speak?"

So, in honor of 'Enry 'Iggins and his lamentations regarding the non-usage of the English language among native speakers, here are some funnies gleaned from my 2 days of marathon grading:

Maps
Students know absolutely no geography. Here are some of my favorite labels from their map quiz.

1. The Black Sea - labeled variously as Montenegro, Slovakia, Lithuania, Macedonia, and Serbia. In my sleepy head, I can only assume that these sea-based states are either the mythical Atlantians or else are canoe-based societies.
2. The Adriatic Sea - labeled as Croatia and Serbia
3. The North Sea - is the Czech Republic
4. Germany - is actually Montenegro
5. France - is either Bosnia or Macedonia, depending on who you ask. These just make me sad. :-(
6. Ukraine - is Bosnia, Serbia, or Macedonia
7. Belgium - is actually Lithuania
8. Denmark - is Croatia
9. Poland - is either Czech Republic, Lithuania, or Slovakia
10. Switzerland - is either Estonia or the Czech Republic
11. My favorite - Austria as the Czech Republic and Belarus as Slovakia - which would have meant a fascinating history of the unified state from 1919-1989, since they were separated a few states...

Essays
1. “The Ottoman Empire was defeated by the Japanese in the early 18th century.”

2. “Another imperial problem that Europe faced was the Boxers Rebellion. This conflict started because the Harmoneous and Rhitious fists of China wanted to stop British and western influences on their country. There were also the Indian Muntainy, in which the Indian people fought for their own indepences from European influences. After WWII Europe as a whole was mixed and manggled.”

3. “The rivalry between France & Great Britain since 1789 is like the great college football rivaly of UofA & ASU." ... “The Ottoman Empire was the big man on campus.”

4. In the First World War, the United States “teamed up with France, Germany went with Britain. Prussia even got involved because they were already upset at France.”

5. “The Austrian-Hungarian empire was originally the Ottoman Empire.”

6. Bismarck forced France to give up “Asslance Lorean and sign the Treaty of Versali.”

7. “Tsarist Russia fought on Britian’s side during World War Two, but Russia became a communist country shortly thereafter. Britian strongly disliked communism, and Britian and Russia ended up fighting each other in the Cold War.”

8. Because the French lost the 7 Years’ War, Spain got Canada.

9. Russian imperialism spread to the East, and they conquered the Netherlands.

10. German unification was “done by a genius man named Bismark.”

11. “Imperealism had been a new concept to all the empires but World War II put an end to this.”

12. “The Ottoman Empire rained supreme for nearly 500 years.”

13. “Germany had difficult times in war, because of their lack of embracy of technology.”

14. Russia tried to “go through Afghanistan in order to get to India at the Black Sea.”

15. “From the begging of history, the French and the British have had their differences.”

16. Britain and France signed the “Entente Contical, which in simple terms meant they wouldn’t fight.”

17. “The unification of Germany and Italy was a major event in history. The Germans with Hitler and the Italians with Mussolini. These two powers united seemed undestructrable.”

18. “The American Revolution was not long, in fact once Britain found out that France had funded the American troops and helped them fight, they backed out.”

19. “In 1948 Otto Von Bismarck passed a new constitution, and became unified.” Germany wasn’t Germany until 1948? Dude…

20. “It doesn’t seem Russia ever got their warm water. Poor, cold Russia.”

21. “Europe has had a very long history within itself and outside.”

So many students, so many completely wrong statements! I'm sure the Austrians and Turks would be interested in knowing that they are, in fact, the same people - and so all that fighting they did for 500 years was actually just fighting themselves. And the fact that Bismarck unified Germany in 1948? Wow... I'm especially excited to learn that Britain simply ran back to England - all it took was the basic knowledge that the French were involved to make them run home! As for geography... *sigh* I can't even begin with that. As for their spelling, well, these aren't all that bad, except, perhaps, for Asslance Lorean (Alsace-Lorraine), Rhitious fists (Righteous Fists), manggled (mangled), and whatever the heck "embracy" is. Ha.

Hope these were enjoyable. :-)