Dissertation talk

I might be radically changing my dissertation. I might be crazy. The two are only tangentially related.

The original idea: looking at Spain's two major world's fairs (1888 in Barcelona, and 1929 in both Barcelona and Sevilla) to see how they were defining and creating images of Spain as modern, with the hopes of seeing how these definitions were played out in urban transformations after these fairs.

The problems: This is an overwhelming amount of work, especially since I don't have grants and have extremely limited time to be in Spain. I have no idea how to do this, especially given the HUGE amounts of material in even one collection - and this would require pouring through no less than 5 collections: 3 expositions and two cities' urbanization activities. I cannot seem to get a good handle on modernity that doesn't sound like I'm just parroting some awful theorist who doesn't make sense.

There are more issues, but those are the ones that made me most nervous. So I was doing a bit of research on Thursday, looking at some related dissertations. I started reading one on urban spaces, cosmopolitanism and the Jazz Age in Spain. The author made very strong claims about Primo de Rivera, but never cited anything. It made me start thinking about the Primo Regime, my sources (thus far), and how much I had been struggling to come up with a narrative structure (or, outline, as some call it) for the dissertation. As I started thinking, a new idea came. I started writing out the changes it would mean, the problems I saw with it, the benefits it held, the questions it would ask, the sources it could use, everything. And by 6p.m., I had a 7-chapter basic outline.

The new idea:
1. Drop the 1888 exposition except to use in the first narrative chapter as a discussion of the exposition in Spain, and precedent. Instead, I'd focus solely on the 1929 Joint Exposition. From my previous research, I know that the planning for these expositions began around 20 years earlier (1910 for Sevilla).
2. The main focus, then, would be on the competing visions of the expositions - and thus visions of Spain - put forth by the committees of the two expositions. But it would also consider how these interacted with and contested the vision issued by dictator Primo de Rivera (after he came to power in 1923), and perhaps by visions put forth by the public press.
3. The primary questions would still deal with the construction of Spain, but it would be placed in the context of the local-national negotiation of ideas. It would question the nature of the relationship of the dictatorship with these two expositions, and, by extension, with these two regions - Andalucia, his home, and Catalonia, the up-and-coming industrial center of Spain.
4. It would still also question how these two very different regions - differing in culture, history, language, economy, and politics - created connections and worked together to ultimately create a joint exposition to present the best of Spain to the world.


As I said, within hours, I had a basic dissertation outline, complete with at least some ideas of where I could use certain kinds of sources, and what I'd be looking for in each chapter. I sent the idea and outline to my advisor, with the hopes that we can talk on the phone after he's looked it over and thought about it a bit. I really hope he's on board. I think my other committee members might be a bit confused... and a bit disappointed at what I'm cutting out. I'm hoping that he can get everyone on board and excited for me.

We'll see. I've been really excited, though. I hope it works!!!

Working in my heart

Today was kind of a cruddy day, up until about 7 p.m. Again, long story, involving family stuff, grocery shopping, an over-zealous, psychotic advisor, a migraine, and somehow screwing up cooking pancakes (that were supposed to be dinner, but were a train wreck).

But after dinner, I was in Google Reader, catching up on the blogs I follow (mainly those of friends, but some re: migraine stuff, some church stuff). I was reading the blog run by Beth Moore - a teacher and writer of amazing bible studies - and her daughters. [I have the chance to attend a simulcast of one of her conferences this weekend - she'll be in Green Bay, and over 700 locations will receive the live broadcast. I am so excited! Friday night and Saturday morning will be filled with worship and teaching.] So the cool part. One of her daughters had posted an update about the simulcast, including a very dorky promo video Beth did (complete in cheesehead). At the end of the post, she had a p.s. that said Beth had told her that she'll be teaching on Psalm 37.

So why is that a big deal? Well, 10 days ago, when this renewal of my spirit began, one of the first verses that started really working in me was Psalms 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

It was this that made me take a serious look at my desires, my priorities, and decide that they had to change. Not because of the promise at the end, but because I know that my priorities were skewed. I felt so overwhelmed by the desire to change, that I went and bought a journal to try (again) to be consistent with journaling what God was teaching me. On the front of the book is Psalms 37:4. And now, at the end of two weeks of commitment and study, I'm going to get to hear one of the most amazing bible teachers I've ever heard teach on this scripture.

I have no doubt that this verse is becoming a heart verse - one that, in the darkest of times, brings comfort. Two others for me are Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"; and Romans 8:38-39, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Nothing to do with the dissertation at all

This week, I've rediscovered a hunger I haven't felt in a terribly long time.

Sunday morning, I was in a bit too much pain to go to church, but I got out my bible and spent some time reading. I started a bible study on the book of Esther, and ended up spending about an hour studying, pondering, and praying. And it was glorious. Monday morning, I got up, went to the kitchen table, and did it again. And I did it again on Tuesday and again today.

I know, I know - four days is not much to rejoice over. I've had migraines almost that long. But I am rejoicing. It's like someone opened up my heart and things are pouring into it, out of it, through it. Well, upon looking at that last sentence, it's not "like" that - it *is* that. God opened up my heart and is pouring himself into it and I am overwhelmed.

I never quite understood that part of the beatitudes that said, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled." Or when Christ said that he is the bread, or living water. I'm all for metaphors, but I didn't ever get it. I think this week, I can say I know what it feels like to hunger and thirst - not for food, but for the presence of God. I've been ravenous.

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." ~Psalm 34:8

I haven't done anything on my dissertation this week, and I'm sure my advisor is getting anxious because I haven't sent him anything substantial. But for the first time in... well, honestly, I can't remember how the last time... I am taking time to work on me - me and God. I'm not being unproductive because I don't feel well; I'm actually taking a break to feed that part of me that has been slightly dead for a long time. I've had hints of it over the past few months, but this is by far the most profound desire I have ever felt.

I know it probably won't last - at least, not in this ravenous stage. But I want to enjoy it while I can. The past two days, I've felt like I have been in a semi-constant state of prayer. I've been reading a great deal. Just not about work. I've read 2.5 books since last Wednesday, because I crave their teachings.

"Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." ~John 6:35

"The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life." ~Revelations 22:17

I am thirsty, truly thirsty. And you know what? It's wonderful.

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." ~Psalms 37:4-6

Sevilla, far too much to say

The city:
1. Is gorgeous. It's modern and ancient, crowded and spread out, lost in time and plunging into the future all at the same time. It's glorious.

2. Is filled with Americans. I don't remember hearing English very much when I lived in Madrid; here, you're surrounded by it (as well as German, I've found). It can be a bit unsettling, when you are deep in Spanish thought only to be interrupted by a lovely southern drawl saying, "I wunder what they cawal thayat?" :-)

3. Is relaxed. In Madrid, I always felt like I had to be somewhere; here, though I have far less time to work, the culture is much more laid back. It likes resting. It also appreciates the notion of eating helado (ice cream) for lunch and dinner (sometimes with nothing else!). I appreciate that!

4. Is communal. Don't believe me? Go check out Plaza Alfalfa around 8p.m. any night of the week. Or Plaza del Salvador around lunch time, especially on a Sunday. These people *get* the idea of community. Maybe that's why they have so many plazas - yes, they're pretty, but they - as well as all the sidewalk tables are partly designed for people to be with each other. Isolation is seen as a strange thing here. You go to a restaurant alone? Go to the bar; at least then you'll be next to others who are alone. You really want to see the community, watch a funeral procession. I did. It cuts straight to your emotional core. It involves the entire community - it can't not.

5. Has bells ringing constantly. This is partly because there is a mass going on pretty much every hour, because there is a Catholic church on almost every other street. And before every misa, you'll hear their bells ring a good 20-40 times. The church I tried to go to rang its bell 41 times to announce the beginning of mass. Then, of course, it had to ring the bells for the hour.

6. Has captured part of my heart, yo creo. I've been here for only 11 days, and already I know it very well. Twice I have been mistaken either for a local or for someone who has been here often. I think my heart will be here for a little while...


The worst part of hostel life:

1. Obnoxious roommates - the ones who come in at 3 a.m., turn the lights on, TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS!!!, slam the doors, eat, and talk without regard to the fact that you have been sleeping for three hours at that point. And then leave the room a certified disaster area later in the day.
2. Flooding showers - due to the fact that some roommates cannot figure out how to use handheld shower heads, my room has been flooded at least 5 times since I got here. I'm a little tired of mopping up after them.
3. Bad hostel songs. I've been keeping a list. So far, the worst offenders have been:
*Hungry Eyes (at least twice)
*It Must Have Been Love (but it's over now)
*Maneater
*All Girls Just Want to Have Fun
*I'll Be There for You (the song used as the theme from Friends - and I didn't even watch that show!)
*The Show Must Go On - very bombastic version
*Rod Stewart, Have You Ever Seen the Rain?
*Madonna - Like a Virgin
*Ska version of Don't You Want Me, Baby?
*Reggae version of I Got You, Babe
*Reggae version of Come on, Baby, Light My Fire

The best part of hostel life: Meeting interesting people, such as:
*Guy from US who runs a hostel in Portugal and was here doing research on management
*German woman who came to Spain to work a horse farm in Cadiz for 3 months before starting PT training back home - we saw flamenco together.
*Austrian woman working as an Au Pair for a very rich Spanish family at their hacienda
*A Brazilian historian and a British historian, both working on the 16th century, using the Archivo de Indias
*Junior from Penn St. here to do a study abroad before returning home to finish her studies in Speech/Language Pathology - we went to the Catedral together.
*German woman doing language studies in Valencia here on vacation
*Two Argentineans with whom I watched the Barcelona-Manchester United futbol match
*Three women travelling together - one from Greece, one from Romania, and one from France, though I've no idea how they all met
*Two college kids from TN (though they go to college on the West coast) who just borrowed my Mac plug since they didn't bring a proper adapter for theirs)

My favorite archive tidbits:
*Constantly having to write the name "Mr. Cow-face" (translated) in documents and not laugh.
*Reading the heated exchanges in the press when a reporter dared insult a member of the Exposition Committee; their exchanges went on for a good month!
*Reading these awfully written letters from manufacturing companies in the US to the Expo Committee in 1911; their grammar, in English, was worse than most of the Spaniards. And these were Americans writing to offer their services! My favorite was Avery & Co. offering the use of their "Dump Spreading Car" that would assuredly "give satisfaction." Ay!


My favorite moments in the past 11 days
1. Biking across the Puente de Isabel II into Triana, and viewing Sevilla from the other side of the river
2. The view of the city from the top of La Giralda
3. Sitting in Plaza del Salvador on Sunday afternoon, just enjoying the crowd and watching little kids teaching their little brother Fabio how to throw a ball
4. Looking out from the second story of Plaza de España and taking in the view
5. Sitting in Parque Maria Luisa and listening to the birds, the fountains, and nothing else
6. Standing in awe of Francisco de Zurburán in the Renaissance hall at the Museo de Bellas Artes
7. Wandering through Barrio Santa Cruz without a map, and not caring where I was
8. Accidentally ending up in the Jardines de Murillo during that wandering adventure!
9. Listening to flamenco, for free, at an awesome club at 11p.m. at night with my German roommate
10. Wandering into a fairly well hidden plaza by the Catedral where, during the week, they sell goods made by the convent
11. Eating helado in Plaza Cristos Burgos and watching the little kids play on the playground
12. Finding the coolest book ever for my friend Adam at the bookstore, Beta - a book in Spanish on Rome, Carthage, Iberians, and Celt-iberians: War in the Peninsula (he studies the Roman empire and warfare, and wants to look into Iberian warfare)

Tomorrow I'm going to try to make it out to Italica, out in Santiponce - this was the old Roman city where Hadrian & Trajan were born. Supposedly, you can tramp around the ruins of the ampitheatre that held like 25,000 people. I'm going to try to take tons of photos for Adam. Woot!

So, after almost two weeks, that is how I feel about Sevilla. Four more proper days in Sevilla, then I travel to Madrid on Wednesday, and then it's the long trip home on Thursday.
Fin.

A Plan?

I might have a plan for the rest of the year. I'm not sure that I'm entirely happy with it, but it looks to be one of the only logical answers. So here goes:

May 17th - head to Sevilla, Spain, for 19 days to do research at the Archivo Municipal, and try to get as much as I can done

June 4th - head back to the US

June 8th - teach my summer course

July 11th - turn in final grades for summer course

July 31st - move out of my apartment (hopefully with help), put most belongings in storage here in town, and drive East to my parents' house

August - live at my folks' house, hopefully doing at least part-time work somewhere, and doing dissertation research (either secondary sources or analyzing whatever I get from this upcoming trip), and prep for heading back

September - head back to Spain, hopefully to Barcelona, for as much of the 90 days my visa will allow, as long as my money holds up. Do research at the Arxiu Administratiu and other sites around the city

December - back to the East coast, perhaps offering an online class during winter session, if I can design one and my department thinks it's a good idea

January - ideally: head back West to Home, find a new apartment, and hopefully have a teaching position in the department for the spring semester. Work on analyzing sources from research trip, working with my committee and figuring out what I still need. And, of course, begging for more money from people.

Sometime in the late spring - head back to Spain to do more research.

Academic year 2010-2011 - hopefully find some sort of funding, and write the dissertation here in town

Spring 2011 - hopefully graduate, and find a job.

That's the plan. I am not thrilled with the idea of being away from home for 5 months, esp since I don't have any support system back East. Most of my college friends are not still in that area, and my parents' house hasn't been "home" for 10 years. The pros to this plan are: 1) not having to pay rent in August and December, though I'll be paying for storage here; 2) my folks are working away from their house, so it is possible me and my cat would have the run of the house for a while, so I'd actually have some privacy; 3) I wouldn't have to send my cat on a plane back East, and I could plan my flights to/from Spain from the East coast, cutting out most of a day's worth of travel like when I have to fly from current Home; 4) My parents' house is available, and I'd have my own car.

The cons are the isolation, especially from my church here, my bible study, and the couple of friends I spend time with. But it seems like the only logical solution. I don't have a paycheck after July 12th, and so I can't afford to pay rent for a month or two without income. I can't get another job for a month, knowing I'd be leaving. And this way, hopefully someone can come out and help me pack up the apartment so I can move out. My hope is that I could then come back after Christmas and find a decent apartment for January, before the undergrads come back.

I'm not sure if I like the plan, but it seems logical.

ABD

ABD. Three letters. Just three letters. Three measly letters that mean *so* much.

Over a year and a half of readings for comps.
Four years of doctoral studies.
Six years of graduate work - including a Master's Thesis.
Ten years of undergraduate and graduate work.
Twenty-two and a half years of being a student.

And more prayer, tears, stress, and doubt than I ever thought possible.

But ABD now belongs after my name. I had my PhD oral exams today. Three hours with five professors in one small room. I had no idea what to expect, or how to prepare, and so... I didn't. Last night I made K go get ice cream with me after my advisor told me I wasn't allowed to study. :-) The only thing I did was skim over my written exams this morning once I got to work. And prayed a lot.

It was actually enjoyable. I had a few times where I honestly had no idea what to say, and floundered on a few questions, but overall it was fairly easy to answer their questions. One of the other profs in the department, Dr. M (whom I love; it's hard not to love her, honestly) had seen me before and after the orals, and said she was impressed with how calm I had been. (So not like me normally... I can only speculate that all the prayers I had coming my way were being answered.)

After the three hours, they signed everything, my advisor gave me a huge hug, and we went to lunch. And I got at least two more hugs. :-)

And, finally, I am ABD. It feels kind of good.

Uncertainty

I have finally finished grading all of my students' papers and midterms. In fact, despite the fact that I was out of commission for 2.5 weeks taking my written doctoral exams, I have finished grading exams ahead of 3 of my coworkers. Hm.

Anyway, today I'm taking the day off from work. The only thing I need to do is plan for my class tomorrow, but I needed a day away from the office. Unfortunately, by 8 a.m. I was already fretting over finances and the future. This next year after June is all completely uncertain right now. Here's what I know:

1. My lease is up at the end of June.
2. My paychecks stop as of the middle of July, once my summer course is over.
3. I have no grants so far and need to fund dissertation research in Spain on my own.
4. The likelihood of getting any substantial support from my university is slim to none.

I have estimated the likely costs that I'll incur over the next year, between tuition/registration/fees at the university, health insurance (not counting my $20 per pill prescriptions), living costs in the US for six months, and living costs in Spain for six months. My not-so-scientific estimate is that all of this combined might add up to around $28,000.

Keep in mind that I have never made more than $13,000 per year, and after July I will have no paychecks coming.

The very sketchy plan is that I would head to Spain for up to 90 days sometime after July, come back to the States and work through the spring (at least for another 90 days, until I can return on a new visa, but also will have to find more money to go back), and then return to Spain in the late spring or summer for another 90 days, then come back for good.

Problems with this plan:
1. As of right now, I don't have the money to do any of this. Even with loans, I'm not sure how to get up to $28,000...
2. I would have to either move out of my apartment or get my landlord to extend my lease after June until I can leave for Spain.
3. When I would return from Spain, I would have no place to live.
4. I have absolutely NO idea what to do with my cat for these 12 months. One negative of being constantly alone and having virtually no support system in town is that there is no one who can take care of him here, and shipping him off to live with my parents is less than ideal for many reasons. But I have no other real options right now.
5. When I would return from Spain, I have no idea if there would be any job available. Because my department is 97% dependent on state funds, they're cutting GTA funds, and since I have already had 4 years of funding, it is possible that they will be unable to give me any financial support (in employment or otherwise) for the rest of my doctoral program. The economy stinks here right now, and I am not sure what, if anything, would be available for a 28-year old, A.B.D. European history expert who has been in academia for the last 23 years and has a number of physical limitations on the kind of work she can do.
6. When I would return from Spain, I am not sure if I would have to rent an apartment for more than 3 months - would I have to be paying rent on an apartment while also paying for research in Spain in the summer? I am not sure if it would be easier or harder to do it this way.
7. If I send my cat off to my parents' apartment in the fall, could I bring him back to live with me in the spring? If so, would I have to ship him away again in the summer? That seems awfully traumatic for such a scared and untrusting creature. But could I live for 12 months completely without him? He's my baby. He's my only companion many days.

I'm sure there are more problems that I'm not thinking about. Things like dealing with my medicine, trying to apply for grants while in Spain, trying to *find* new grants to apply for that haven't already rejected me twice, etc.

Everything is just so uncertain. It's awful, but for a brief minute I wished I were married. Most of these problems would either not exist or would at least be lessened if I weren't having to do it all alone. I wouldn't have to worry about a place to live, wouldn't have to try to fund everything myself despite no job, wouldn't have to worry about Dominic... I know that's awful. Married couples have just as many if not more concerns. But sometimes it gets very old being one of the only single people in my office. Almost everyone I work with has a partner to go through all of this with, while I... I have to deal with chronic migraines and fatigue and all the physical crap, plus the work, and the funding issues, and everything else alone.

So yeah, with all of this (which I worked through between about 7:30 and 10:30 this morning), I'm taking the day off. I'm stressed out.