This week, I've rediscovered a hunger I haven't felt in a terribly long time.
Sunday morning, I was in a bit too much pain to go to church, but I got out my bible and spent some time reading. I started a bible study on the book of Esther, and ended up spending about an hour studying, pondering, and praying. And it was glorious. Monday morning, I got up, went to the kitchen table, and did it again. And I did it again on Tuesday and again today.
I know, I know - four days is not much to rejoice over. I've had migraines almost that long. But I am rejoicing. It's like someone opened up my heart and things are pouring into it, out of it, through it. Well, upon looking at that last sentence, it's not "like" that - it *is* that. God opened up my heart and is pouring himself into it and I am overwhelmed.
I never quite understood that part of the beatitudes that said, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled." Or when Christ said that he is the bread, or living water. I'm all for metaphors, but I didn't ever get it. I think this week, I can say I know what it feels like to hunger and thirst - not for food, but for the presence of God. I've been ravenous.
"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." ~Psalm 34:8
I haven't done anything on my dissertation this week, and I'm sure my advisor is getting anxious because I haven't sent him anything substantial. But for the first time in... well, honestly, I can't remember how the last time... I am taking time to work on me - me and God. I'm not being unproductive because I don't feel well; I'm actually taking a break to feed that part of me that has been slightly dead for a long time. I've had hints of it over the past few months, but this is by far the most profound desire I have ever felt.
I know it probably won't last - at least, not in this ravenous stage. But I want to enjoy it while I can. The past two days, I've felt like I have been in a semi-constant state of prayer. I've been reading a great deal. Just not about work. I've read 2.5 books since last Wednesday, because I crave their teachings.
"Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." ~John 6:35
"The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life." ~Revelations 22:17
I am thirsty, truly thirsty. And you know what? It's wonderful.
"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." ~Psalms 37:4-6