All about God, folks

Some things I need to share:

1. Mom should be finishing her 10th and last radiation treatment. Well, last for now. I have no idea what to expect when she goes to the oncologist next Wednesday. I'm just praying that he gives her any good news, since I don't know how any of us will cope if she gets bad news the day before her favorite holiday. God has been good, and she hasn't had any significant side effects so far with these last 4 treatments. But it's been a long time since we had any significant good news.

2. God was especially good to me today. You see, last night I woke up after about 90 minutes of sleep feeling nauseous at 2 am. I poured a glass of 7-Up and spent most of the night reading & listening to teaching online. I didn't fall back asleep until 7, and my alarm (well, phone) went off a 8. Somewhere around 5:30 or 6, I was praying about some stuff and asked something I don't think I've ever asked before.

**You see, the fact that I slept for less than 3 hours last night would normally mean that today I'd be stuck in bed with a killer, knock-down, drag-out, plunging nails into your temple kind of migraine. The kind that doesn't go away until I sleep for a good 8 hours, so not until evening. Considering that I was sick at the start of the week and missed two archive days, I didn't want to miss another day. So while I was praying, I asked God if He would honor the fact that I had turned to Him to pass the night, rather than to other things or people, and, by honoring that, give me the ability to get to work when my alarm went off.

I was at the archive by 9:15.

I am so thankful. I couldn't afford to lose a third work day today, but He was faithful. And, as of 4:15 p.m., I have yet to have a headache. I was horribly fatigued in the archive, and didn't last much past 12:30, but I made it. I got through another box of documents.

3. I'm spending a lot of time in scripture these days. Reading. Listening to it (my church gave me a free cd with the spoken new testament - I've listened to it at least twice all the way through). Going through studies via my Tucson pastor's sermons online. I'm still working on this whole "Cast all your cares upon Him" thing. I guess He's been trying to convince me for a long time that He really is sufficient, and that when no one else is around, He will give me what I need to make it through the day. That's good. I still wish I had people to really connect with on a daily basis, but it's good to know that even in some of my darkest hours, He is faithful.

4. Speaking of reading, I started a "through the bible in a year" thing back in August. I've never made it past 2 months before. Well, I'm in to month 3 now. The way it's set up is you read 2-3 chapters in the Old Testament and one in the New each day. So far, I've read the Torah, Joshua, am about 6 chapters into Judges, and finished Matthew, Mark, and half of Luke. I think the only reason I'm sticking with it this time is because God is really drawing me to Himself. I have a somewhat insatiable hunger for Him right now.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still awfully lonely, I still am sick more often than not. But through it all, God is good. I know He's with me. And that, my friends, is amazing.

Breast cancer basics

Yet another day I'm sitting in the apartment feeling like someone's beat me up. The nose isn't running, and I'm not sneezing as much. But it's all in my throat now. I've got very little voice, and the coughing fits are horrendous. They're bad enough that it's triggered a migraine. So today I have the great accomplishments of taking a shower, emailing my dad, and getting a Catalan-cuisine lunch: toast w/ 5 local cheeses and seasoned garbanzo beans w/ tomatoes, onion, and hard-boiled egg.

But while I sit here waiting for my migraine meds to kick in so I can bend over without passing out, and listen to a commentary track from LOTR, I find myself crying. Between the migraine, the frustration at having only 2 decent archive days in 8 work days, and concern for Mom and Dad, it's a hard afternoon. So to try to at least write something useful, here's another installment of cancer awareness.

Breast Cancer Basics, Part 1 (thanks to info from the American Cancer Society

1. What is breast cancer?
--A malignant tumor (cells gone wild) that grows in the breast, typically either in the lobules (glands that produce milk) or ducts (that carry milk to nipple). In men, breast cancer often occurs in the small number of ducts they have, since they have very, very few lobules.

2. Two Starting Points
--Breast cancer most often is a carcinoma: it begins in the lining layers of the breast, rather than in connective tissues (like muscles, fatty tissue, or blood vessels), which would be called sarcoma. Since both ducts and lobules are glandular tissues, breast cancer is usually considered an adenocarcinoma - cancer that starts in the glandular tissue.

3. Types of Breast Cancer
--There are multiple types of breast cancer. The least invasive kinds are in situ - either Ductal Carcinoma in Situ (DCIS) or Lobular Carcinoma in Situ (LCIS). In these, the cancer has not spread beyond the tissue of either the duct or the lobules. Some doctors see LCIS as pre-cancerous condition rather than a true cancer.
--About 80% of invasive (spreading) cancers in both males and females are Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC). Cancer starts in the ducts and spreads to the surrounding breast tissue. Invasive Lobule Carcinoma (ILC) is much less common, accounting for only 2% of male breast cancer and 10% for women.
--About 1-3% of breast cancer is Inflammatory Breast Cancer. There is no tumor, but the breasts become red, swollen, warm, and the skin becomes itchy, hard, tender, or thick and pitted.

4. How Common is Breast Cancer?
--Breast cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death for American women, behind only lung cancer.
--The American Cancer Society predicts that around 192,000 women and around 1,900 men will have been diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009.
--The ACS also predicts that around 40,000 women and 400 men will die of breast cancer this year.

5. What are the Risk Factors for Breast Cancer for Women?
--Female Gender - breast cancer is ~100 times more common in women than men
--Aging - women over the age 55 are at higher risk
--Genetics - researchers believe women who have mutations of the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes have up to an 80% chance of developing breast cancer
--Family or personal history of cancer - Women with a close family member (sister, mother, daughter) with breast cancer double their risk of developing breast cancer.
--Race - While caucasian women are more likely to get breast cancer, African American women are more likely to die of it.
--Dense breast tissue
--Some Benign breast changes
--Early menstruation or late menopause - the greater the amount of estrogen, the greater the risk
--Earlier breast radiation
--Not having children or having them after age 30 - again, they think that perhaps having more menstrual cycles means more estrogen, which means a greater risk.
--Use of HRT (hormone replacement therapy - yet again, more estrogen
--Alcohol use - women who regularly have 2-5 drinks per day have 1.5 times greater risk
--Being obese, overweight, or not exercising

6. What are the Risk Factors for Men?
--Aging
--Family history
--Genetic changes - same genes as for women - BRCA1 and BRCA2
--Klinefeler Disease - congenital disorder where men have multiple X chromosomes, and thus more estrogen
--Radiation exposure on the chest
--Heavy alcohol use
--Liver Disease - yet again, leads to hormonal fluctuation and higher estrogen levels
--Estrogen treatments
--Obesity

7. What can I do to lower my risk?
--Maintain a healthy weight
--Limit your alcohol intake
--Exercise regularly
--If you are at a higher risk due to some of the above factors, do regular self-exams and get regular exams from your doctor.
--There are other, more extensive preventive measures, but they are fairly drastic: preventive "chemoprevention," preventive mastectomies, preventive hysterectomy

More will probably follow. I feel like all I can do is try to share awareness and pray Mom becomes one of the miracle survival stories.

It's never what it seems

I feel bad - I haven't updated this site. I've updated in a number of other places, but not here. I'm so sorry about that.

Here's the short story:
On Oct 12 I left for Europe, planning to spend 6 days in London, Lille (France), and Paris with two grad school friends. I had slightly unpleasant flights to London after a bit of a fiasco with KLM (thank you, Delta, for saving my butt and my luggage) and spent 2.5 days in London with a coworker from my office, M. Saw some cool things, like Phantom of the Opera, and got lots of great pictures.

On the 16th, we took a train from London to Lille, France (near the Belgian-French border) to meet up with my very, very good friend, K. He was presenting his research at a big international conference, and that was the last day. So M and I wandered around until he was done, then we met with him and one of his coworkers for dinner. The next day, K, M, and I took the train to Paris for the weekend. Together, we went to: the Rodin Museum, Sacre Coeur church, the Louvre, Notre Dame Cathedral, and the Arc de Triomphe. We also took a river tour on the Seine. And K and I got to see the Eiffel tower lit up at night from the hilly region of Montmartre as we were leaving Sacre Coeur.

On Monday morning, we all left - K for the US, M back to England (where she's doing research), and me for Spain. Flights were fine, my hostel was fine, I met my future roommate and we got along great. Then I was sick all night, and for the next two days. Fever spiked, sick to my stomach, etc. So I spent my first full day in the hostel common room waiting for E, my roommate, to get off work so I could move in, and my second day in bed in the apartment. Today was supposed to be my first day out, but my body rebelled again and left me in excruciating pain for about 4 hours. So the cats and I bonded.

Now for the important thing:
In Lille, I got a call from my parents with Mom's diagnosis. To my great and utter surprise, it is not lymphoma or multiple myeloma (which I had expected after reading up on the two of them). My mom doesn't have a blood cancer at all.

She has Stage IV, metastatic breast cancer.

I was not prepared for that.


Thankfully, K stayed up and refused to go to bed (though he was utterly fatigued) until I had gotten the call, so he held me while I sobbed... and hyperventilated... and sobbed some more.

Mom has started treatment already. She immediately began hormone therapy - so I'm guessing that means her cancer has estrogen or progesterone receptors - and today was her first round of radiation. She'll have 10 days of intense radiation, and then they'll see where they are. They hope the radiation will shrink some of the tumors in her back and give her some relief from the constant, excruciating pain she's in 24/7. But the radiologist wasn't very hopeful....

I thought I was prepared, but I wasn't. So here we are. Mom and Dad are dealing with all of this. And I'm 5,000+ miles away, supposed to be caring about what some no-name Spaniards did almost 100 years ago. I have no motivation right now. All I want to do is go home (to my parents, that is, not back to my desert, which I refer to as home).

So there we are. My roommate is very nice, her cats have already adopted me - they spent most of the day getting comfort from me during a huge rain storm - and I have seen all of about 6 blocks of Barcelona so far. And I could care less. All I want is to go be with Mom. It's going to be a very, very long 8 weeks.

Cancer awareness

I have such a great urge to *do* something, to volunteer, to be an advocate, anything. And I don't know what I can do, since I'm leaving in less than 3 days. So here's me being a tiny bit of an educator:

According to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society:
* Every 4 minutes, someone in the US is diagnosed with a blood cancer: leukemia, lymphoma, or myeloma.
* That adds up to an estimated 139,860 new diagnoses in 2009. My mom's one of those.
* An estimated 53,240 blood cancer survivors will lose their fights this year. That's around 146 per day.
* Stem cell treatment is a common tool for these patients to try to spark the creation of new blood cells after chemotherapy.

Lymphoma
* An estimated 601,180 people in the US are living with lymphoma - cancer of the lymphocytes - either Hodgkin or non-Hodgkin's.
* Hodgkin lymphoma is considered one of the most treatable and "curable" of all blood cancers - with 5-year survival rates currently at around 92%.
* Hodgkin lymphoma is most common in young adults in the 20s and 30s.
* Non-Hodgkin lymphoma is actually a catch-all term for approximately 20 different kinds of lymphoma.
* Lymphoma symptoms include the swelling of a lymph node, but most other symptoms are common to many other, minor illnesses (like fever, weight loss, & weakness) and it can be difficult to realize that something is truly wrong.

Myeloma
* Myeloma is the cancer of plasma cells, and most often leads to bone deterioration.
* Myeloma is difficult to "cure," with 5-year survival rates only just recently moving up to a high of between 37-40%.
* For reasons researchers don't understand, myeloma is much more common in the African American community than any other. Males near or over age 70 have the highest incidence rates.
* Myeloma begins with damage to the DNA of one lymphocyte cell destined to create plasma. Doctors do not know what the potential causes are.
* Myeloma cells secrete a substance that triggers other cells to dissolve bone and triggers others to grow in its place.
* Myeloma patients often present with no symptoms, but bone pain is usually the first sign of any problem. [Definitely true for my mother.]

And since October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, some facts courtesy of the Susan G. Komen Foundation:
* Both men and women can get breast cancer. It is not a women's disease alone.
* In women, 85% of breast cancers begin in mammary ducts.
* The primary symptoms of breast cancer are:
--- A lump, hard knot or thickening
--- Swelling, warmth, redness or darkening
--- Change in breast size or shape
--- Dimpling or puckering of the skin
--- Itchy, scaly sore or rash on the nipple
--- Pulling in of your nipple or other parts of the breast
--- Nipple discharge that starts suddenly
--- New pain in one spot
* This year, an estimated 192,370 women and 1,910 men will have received a diagnosis of invasive breast cancer.
* This year, an estimated 40,170 women and 440 men will lose their battles with breast cancer.

Know your body. Do self-exams. Know when your body changes. Get tested. Get treated.

And support cancer research wherever possible.

Fin.

Urgent prayer

My mom was just told that she has cancer in her back. Please be in prayer for her and my dad. I leave the country in a week. We're in shock...

36 and 30

Not my age, nor any other significant numbers that might have crossed your mind when you glanced here.

Those two numbers represent God's faithfulness to me. His faithfulness in revealing Himself when I seek Him, in drawing near to me when I draw near to Him, in never forsaking me, even though I'm an idiot and screw up more than I get things right.

36 days ago, God began a restoration and a renovation in my life, beginning the morning of August 16th, when I opened up my bible in the kitchen since I was in too much pain to drive to church. Since then, I have been spending at least an hour every day in scripture and prayer. Sometimes much longer. Some of the initial euphoria is gone, but it still has been my daily comfort.

30 days ago, I began a journey that will hopefully take through the entire bible in a year, with the goal of seeking what God says about who He is as I go along. With the plan that I chose, I have finished Genesis and am now at Exodus 24 and Matthew 21. I also have over 3 pages (single spaced) identifying things God is showing about Himself. My hope is at the end of the year, I should have a massive file on my computer that is a passing glimpse of Christ.

I am still struggling intensely with loneliness and depression - thanks in part to the migraines that screw with my mood all the time. I'm slowly learning to cry out to God and to "cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7).

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13)

"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." (James 4:8)

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deut 31:6)

"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever--the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." (John 14:15-18)

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." (2 Cor 1:3-5)

"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight." (Psalms 119:76-77)

Invisible Chronic Illness: Turning the Tables

For most of my life, I've been the one with the invisible illnesses in my immediate family. My dad also deals with invisible symptoms, but when it comes to pain, I've held the monopoly in our 4-person family. That is, until four months ago.

While I was abroad doing dissertation research in May, I got an email from my dad saying that something had happened to my mother and she was in severe pain for an unknown reason. After a number of weeks and multiple doctor's and ER visits, she was finally diagnosed with sciatica - a very painful inflammation of the sciatic nerve, leading to burning pain in the lower back, buttocks, and legs. By the time they determined what it was, she was almost 100% immobile. Dad had to pack an ice chest with everything she needed while he was at work every day, and she couldn't walk across the room to go to the bathroom without help.

The doctors kept giving her pain meds and telling her that it would improve with time. Four months later, she still has virtually no mobility, won't walk without a walker or canes, and is in a severe depression. She's on meds, in physical therapy, but things aren't going well. This morning I was awakened after only 3.5 hours of sleep by a phone call from my dad, who was at his rope's end.

I must admit - being on the other side of the table is strange. My mother has never been sick in her life, beyond the occasional allergy flare-up or headache. It's strange being the helpless one, the one who wishes more than anything that they could take the pain on themselves to spare their loved one. It's given me the utmost respect for caregivers - those who, for years or decades, do whatever they can for their hurting loved one.

From our very limited experience, here's what I've learned about being a caregiver:

1. It's hard. Probably the hardest thing anyone could ever do. You have to be strong when you want to collapse. You have to be compassionate even when you are frustrated.

2. It's a true labor of love. If you don't truly, honestly, deeply, unconditionally love the person who is in pain, with a God-given love, I don't know how you will ever survive. But that love gives you strength when you both are weak, hope when you both want to despair, and joy in the worst of circumstances.

3. Caregivers need just as much care as their ill family members. We often forget that these people give 200% of themselves in being caregivers. They need support, too. Depending on how bad things are, they might need even more support than the person who is ill.

Celebrate the caregivers you know. Be there for them - offer to run errands, or give them time to rest by being there for their cared-for one. Be understanding when they're having bad days, or when they give in to despair once in a while. Let them know that they are loved for who they are. Pray for them constantly.

Care for the caregivers as they care for others.