So my sixth verse for SSMT was Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God."
I don't seem to be learning this one very well. You see, it's 3:30 a.m., and I haven't slept yet. In fact, I've been struggling with severe insomnia for the last few months. I've never had insomnia before, so it's been very difficult on me physically and emotionally.
I would really like to avoid taking medicine every night. So this is my beginning of presenting my requests to God so He can deal with them and help me figure out how to handle the stress and anxiety that comes with all of these things.
Father, here are some of the things that are weighing so heavily on my mind. Please help me to learn how to really give these over to you. Remind me that I don't have to be in control. You, o Lord, are enough.. You are strong enough to hold me up. You are powerful enough to control all of these things. You are intelligent enough to design perfect plans to deal with these things. You are loving enough to never leave me alone in these things. You are merciful enough to provide a way to deal with these issues or to completely end them.
1. Finances - paycheck ends after May 31st, and I currently have about $2500 in bills and not that much money in my account. I also worry that the state will reduce my fiancee's teaching salary again and that we won't have enough income to pay our bills each month. I confess that you are Jehovah Jireh, the Lord Provider, and I ask you to help me trust that You will provide for these bills.
2. Mom's health - you know how much I worry about losing Mom. I'm so grateful that you've given us the last two years, but despite that gratefulness, I fear that I'll lose her soon. I don't know how to get through the week without talking with her. She's my best friend. Help me to remember that You are the one who numbers our days. You. Not cancer. Not doctors. You. You know exactly when each of us will come home. Help me to remember that you hold us in your hands, and that when you bring Mom home to your arms, you won't leave me alone. Help me to trust that you will provide all of us with what we need for what's to come.
3. My health and my fiancee's health - I worry about our collective health issues. I worry that we might not be able to have children. I worry about whether our bodies will allow us to take care of children. I worry that we will never know days without pain. Lord, help me to trust you in this. Help me to trust that you have a perfect plan, whether that includes biological children or adopted children or something else entirely. Help me to trust that you would give us the strength we need if your plan includes children.
4. My career - I think this one has been harder than I ever expected. I have a lot of peace about quitting the PhD program. I really do. But the uncertainty of the future is crushing a bit. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'll even be able to stay in teaching. I don't know where to look. I am so lost when it comes to this. O Jesus, you tell me not to worry about tomorrow. You tell me that you hold me in your hand, and that your will is perfect. I know that you led me to this place. Help me to hold on to all that I know about you. Help me to resist the self-doubt and all the insecurities and lies satan tries to tell me to get me off track.
There are more. Many, many more. But these are the most important ones right now. O Jesus, take these burdens and give me the strength to stand. And the peace to sleep again.